Couples Therapist Explains: How Much Jealousy is Normal in a Relationship?

jealousy
How much is normal in a relationship?

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Is love the answer to all questions? Not quite. It also provides quite a few. Psychologist and couples therapist Oskar Holzberg asks himself this time how much jealousy is actually normal.

If jealousy determines us, it’s too much. And if we don’t even feel it, that’s not enough.

There has to be a mediocrity

Kathrin goes on a multi-day training course. She says to her friend Paul: “Don’t worry, you know I’m loyal to you.” Paul nods: “I’m not jealous at all anyway. Just drive.” And Kathrin is secretly happy that she doesn’t believe Paul what he’s saying. Because if Paul were never even a bit jealous, then she would be disappointed. Because wouldn’t that mean he doesn’t care? Yes, she would even wonder if Paul wasn’t having a flirt somewhere or even more.

Portrait of Oskar Holzberg

Oskar Holzberg, 66, has been advising couples in his Hamburg practice for more than 20 years and is repeatedly asked questions about relationships. His current book is called: “New Key Sentences of Love” (242 pages, 20 euros, Dumont).

© Ilona Habben

While we don’t want to appear jealous ourselves, we enjoy it when our partner reacts a little jealously. Jealousy is part of the model of our love relationships like fear of heights is part of mountaineering. Of course, we don’t want to be overwhelmed and paralyzed by it. But we need them to be mindful. Because even the best love relationship is never one hundred percent secure. Basically, jealousy is our love tsunami early warning system that precisely registers all shocks. Is there any cause for concern? Are we no longer so close and securely connected? Is our love clouded? Is it so weakened that it is threatened by others?

Love changes everything

We become jealous when we believe that someone else is closer to our loved one than we are and when we feel terrible about loss. We are grown up, but now we feel weak and dependent like a child. We usually do everything to go through life self-confidently and independently. But when we love, we make ourselves dependent. And when we bond tightly to someone, then we are emotionally dependent on that person. But because we all learned from our parents that we shouldn’t be jealous and jealous, we can’t handle jealousy well.

Unfortunately, it affects us all the more, the less we can express it openly to the: r partner: in. And those who experienced attachments as very insecure as a child are more likely to react jealously. Too jealous. But if, for example, the partner recently had an affair, jealousy is not exaggerated, but simply a sign that the: the cheated partner: does not feel safe again within himself. So jealousy has a lot to do with fear of attachment. And if you are never jealous, you subconsciously avoid the risk of entering into a deeper bond at all.

What exactly does “jealousy” mean?

The word “zeal” Incidentally, it is first found in Luther’s translation of the Bible, where it means “friendly envy, lovely anger”. What the present-day meaning of “hard striving for a good cause” has become. For the love life, “jealousy” arose from this, whereby we understand “addiction” as both a pathological desire and “searching for it, feeling it up”. So let us think of jealousy as “lovely anger” that we may show when the most important thing in our life suddenly feels insecure. As long as the jealousy between us can be soothed, it’s not too much. And as long as the sting of jealousy has an effect and makes us more desirable again in the eyes of our loved ones, it is not too little either.

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Brigitte 08/2019
Brigitte