Is love the answer to all questions? Not quite. It also provides quite a few. This time the psychologist and couples therapist Oskar Holzberg answers the question: Is it never too early for couples therapy?
Yes – because couples usually go to couples therapy too late. And no – because a therapist has no place in front of the altar.
There are a few things to consider
The D. spouses are what professional couples call “highly controversial”. As soon as he starts to speak, she interrupts him angrily: What he’s saying just proves again how cold-hearted and ruthless he is. Conversely, he interrupts her immediately and accuses her loudly of twisting the truth again and that it wasn’t all.
You are one of those couples who can no longer talk to each other at all because both are inundated with anger, desperation and feelings of hurt. When I ask such couples when the arguments started, I usually find out that it was years ago. It started when she felt left alone with the kids, or when her hot flirtation with the piano teacher hurt him so badly.
Couples are often late for couples therapy. Because for a long time it is difficult to admit to yourself that you will not get anywhere on your own. And because everything turns into a conflict with arguing couples: If one suggests seeking outside help, the other refuses. So it would be a good idea if couples did therapy for their relationship life before problems even arise – preventively, so to speak ? Couples therapy like the annual health check-up at the family doctor?
Oskar Holzberg has been advising couples in his Hamburg practice for more than 20 years and is repeatedly asked questions about relationships. His current book is called: “New Key Sentences of Love”.
© Ilona Habben
Of course, it is good if we understand couple processes, communication and emotionally intelligent behavior. There is also an infinite amount of literature and countless courses. It can also actually help to have a pro pre-emptively look at relationship life to discover potential conflicts before they escalate. But this is not couples therapy. And by no means every couple gets into the situation that they need one.
If we prefer to put the weak points of our love relationship on the therapy couch immediately, before it is supposedly too late, we are also falling into a trap. Because the quick call for the relationship expert hides the message that a perfect partnership is possible – if we only do everything right.
You always have to be able to compromise
But that’s an illusion. No partner is the embodied fulfillment of all of our relationship longings. No love will live on without disappointment. Every couple has to struggle for solutions and compromises. Must learn to approach each other again after a conflict and to share difficult feelings with one another. Therapy can help. But we also have to accept our shortcomings and those of the other person and acknowledge that there is no unclouded love heaven on earth. Only good relationships, in which we say goodbye to our dreams of happiness with a resigned sigh, but know that we will be rewarded with a sense of security in being together. Surrender and contentment in order to be satisfied. Nobody can do this inner maturation process for us.
But I have one suggestion so that couples don’t go to therapy too late: In the good times of our relationship, why not agree that it is enough if one of us finds couples therapy unavoidable – so that we can then do it together.
You can buy Oskar Holzberg’s current book here:
Couples therapy: what is it?
Couples therapy and marriage counseling are forms of therapy in which partners work with therapists talk openly about any problems in the partnership can. the Therapists remain impartial, but empathize with both positions. If you get stuck together, we work together on a solution that is pleasant for all parties.
Many people see couples therapy as the beginning of the end. But just because you admit to a problem in the partnership that you cannot work on solving on your own does not mean that the relationship is considered lost. As a couple, it shows strength to admit problems and seek professional help.
How can couples benefit from couples therapy?
Couples therapy is useful when conflicts have gotten bogged down and the understanding for the partner (s) has been lost. Therapists not only try to solve existing problems, but also filter out positive aspects of the partnership that the couple no longer perceives due to the sheer number of problems.
Couples therapy can not only improve the relationship between partners. It can also have positive effects on everyday life, family and mental health. Similar to psychotherapy, all areas of life benefit from discussions and tips with and from psychologists.
The ultimate goal of couples therapy is not to keep the relationship crumbling. Rather, the various points of view, goals and personal needs are clarified. In this way, couples get to know and understand their counterparts anew. In most cases, these insights give them strength not to part, but to invest energy in the relationship.
What does a couples therapy session cost?
The cost of couples therapy can be reduced by professional therapists between 80 and 120 euros classify per therapy hour. It should be noted whether the meetings 60 minutes or 90 minutes be.
How long does couples therapy last?
If you are very willing to change, it is usually enough six to eight sessions in a couple counseling. Therapists: inside provide important impulses, but the couple makes the greatest contribution in everyday life.
You might also be interested in these topics: Soul love, symbiotic relationships and communication in relationships
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Sources used: partnership-lernen.de, partnership- relationship.de