Warning: Covert narcissism can destroy your self-esteem in the long run. We explain how you can recognize it and how you can protect yourself from it.
Covert Narcissism vs. Classic Narcissism
Narcissism is often very succinctly equated with excessive self-love and arrogance. Clinical narcissism is one of them diagnosable Personality disorderthat can cause great psychological damage to the person concerned and his fellow human beings.
The typical narcissist
The typical narcissist is considered to be arrogant, charismatic and self-confident. Narcissists pose as unsurpassable, seemingly immune to criticism, and show no compassion for others. Narcissists are often dazzling personalities who at first appear very attractive, charismatic and impressive – but in the long run they can make their mark extreme self-centeredness become very hurtful.
Narcissistic personality disorder mostly develops in the course of childhood – here the narcissist has not received enough care, attention or consideration. In order to compensate for this, the narcissistic personality structure through which he is himself was formed awards all the recognition he didn't get back then.
This image of the classic narcissist is already familiar to some of us. But: Not every narcissist is endowed with great self-confidence. In fact there is a lot different types of narcissiststhat are distinguished in psychology. So-called covert narcissism is less well known, but no less critical for that reason. Here, self-doubt meets an inflated self-image – and that can have fatal consequences for anyone who has anything to do with such a type of narcissist.
Covert Narcissism: Why Is It Harming You?
Covert narcissism, also in English "Covert Narcissism"You shouldn't take it lightly. Any kind of narcissism is detrimental to your self-esteem. Narcissists are indifferent and want to assert their own interests – often very unscrupulously and without a hint of compassion."
TheseOf course, ruthlessness leaves a lot of traces. Since your needs, wants, and opinions are never considered, you start to think they are not important. It takes many victims of so-called narcissistic abuse months, if not years, to recover from the aftermath of the emotional ordeal. Although narcissists are often mentioned in the love section, you can come across covert narcissists anywhere – with friends, at work or in the family. Just go and let go of the narcissistic person? This is particularly difficult with covert narcissism: Since the narcissistic person appears so vulnerable on the surface, you feel guilty if you leave them out in the rain.
Covert Narcissism: How To Know It
Covert narcissism is the most difficult narcissism to diagnose. The narcissist does not stand out in a loud, self-confident manner, but is essentially more reserved and self-critical. The goal is the same for all types of narcissism: They want confirmation, admiration, attention and recognition. You can recognize a covert narcissist by the following characteristics:
Sign 1: Criticism is generally undesirable
Regardless of whether it is the boss or you criticize the narcissist yourself: You are rebuked mercilessly. A narcissist, covertly or not, will not accept being attacked on his grandiose self-image. Whether or not you have legitimate reasons for criticizing, a narcissist will fight it off. Since narcissists are often very good at communicating, they can often turn conversations around That you end up feeling guilty about yourself.
The partner is writing with another woman and there is obviously no friendly content? A narcissist could blame you for being him Didn't pay enough attention and he felt alone – so he couldn't help but flirt with someone else. And although he has clearly crossed the line in this case, you suddenly look to yourself to blame – a very typical narcissist tactic.
Sign 2: Limitless self-pity
A covert narcissist can also be recognized by the fact that this person is themselves mostly feels treated unfairly. He or she – this personality disorder occurs in both sexes – complains about the promotion of the colleague, which one would have deserved much more oneself. And the friends don't get in touch either, let alone from the family. In short: You don't get what you deserve and life is fundamentally unjust.
So this type of narcissist is always with you self-pity employed. As usual for narcissists, the focus is only on oneself. In contrast to classic narcissism, this is not about loud rum trumpets, but about moaning.
And what if you feel bad yourself? Undercover narcissists will try to outdo you with an even more dramatic story.
Sign 3: Great self-doubt
People with covert narcissism are not easily identifiable as narcissists because of their depressed, melancholy and sometimes even shy nature appear anything but self-confident. Often they tell you early on about their difficult past, through which they seem to have developed many self-doubts and inferiority complexes. We'd rather suspect depression than covert narcissism.
"I never succeed in anything" the covert narcissist says to you with a very specific intention: He wants to get confirmation, attention and appreciation. So it's always about directing others to get something specific. Of course, this has nothing to do with depression.
Sign 4: Devaluations
In the narcissistic world, you always have to yourself the most important, most competent, most impressive person be. But what if they feel someone else is overtaking them? Devaluation!
They react extremely jealously and enviously when they are promoted by their colleague. Do you want to tell them about a success story or a compliment, they devalue you or try to counter with an equally impressive story. Covert narcissism demands that the spotlight is always on yourself. The scepter must not be given up – but how are you supposed to feel if you are always kept small?
Of course, these four signs are insufficient for a solid clinical diagnosis. But they can you indicate a direction and possibly explain why you feel bad around some people.
Covert Narcissism – Yes or No? When assessed by a doctor, it can also be determined that there are only narcissistic tendencies. This means that the person did not meet all of the narcissism criteria, but a conspicuously high number of characteristics could still be identified.
Covert Narcissism: How to Protect Yourself
Even if we don't always recognize narcissists, our behavior can do everything we can to protect ourselves from toxic personalities.
- Don't let yourself be belittled. If you are being devalued for an achievement, stick to your attitude that you are very excited about the event. Don't take over the narcissist's negative opinion.
- Don't take the blame. If a behavior has hurt you, stand up for it. Don't settle for excuses and listen very carefully if you are supposed to be responsible for every argument.
- Fend off allegations. Paradoxically, narcissists often disregard others when they don't want to pay attention to others themselves. This is how they try to force you to pay attention to their person. So if you hear "You only think about yourself", you should remind the other person that sometimes you just have to take care of your physical and emotional health.
- Don't go into whining. Though it sounds harsh, the more compassion you give a narcissist, the more narcissistic he'll be towards you. Your empathy is his confirmation. So try to stay objective as possible.
- Withstand withdrawal. If you take these steps, it may well be that the covert narcissist withdraws, treats you with love deprivation or wants to punish you emotionally in another way. Stay strong now and don't run after it – otherwise the game will start all over again.
- Work on your self worth. Narcissists often seek out very loving, empathic people whose self-esteem is not yet so well established. They hope that this will enable them to better direct these people. The best way to protect yourself against unhealthy constellations is to internalize self-love and self-confidence. When you know what you are worth to yourself, you will no longer give any place in your life to people who do not treat you right.
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Covert sources: oberbergkliniken.de, medicalnewstoday.com, sciencedirect.com