“You don’t owe anyone anything. Only yourself,” writes criminologist Viola Möbius – and gives a few no-gos that, according to her, are absolutely not okay in any form of relationship.
While studying criminology, the author and criminologist Viola Möbius came across a formula by Franz von Liszt that explores the question of why people become criminals. The approach: The disposition of the:the perpetrator:in (i.e. the character traits that a person receives at birth) combined with the sociological factors (i.e. the environment in which the person lives) determine whether a person becomes a criminal.
This “investment world formula” can also be broken down into a formula suitable for everyday use, writes Möbius in her book “Detox Your Life – Which people you want to have in your environment. And which ones don’t“, which reads: “People generally become criminals when their environment is criminal” (whereby any genetic dispositions are not taken into account, according to the author).
But what does that have to do with no-gos in human interaction? The answer is simple: as social beings, we are strongly influenced by our surroundings. One study came to the conclusion that the social environment is, for example, decisive for the career choice of young people or also influence ithow (un)healthy we eat. Our direct environment shapes us, can bring out the best in us, make us happy – but also keep us small, pull us down and suppress us. In her book, the criminologist lists some checklists for “quality control” of the immediate environment, as well as absolute no-gos that, in her opinion, should stop immediately. We have put together a small selection of these.
Anyone who behaves like this towards you should be banished from your life
The criminologist advises consistently banning people who treat you in different ways with disrespect. “No, you are not responsible for people being like this,” she clarifies, “but remember that all these people who are behaving this way towards you are only taking the freedoms that you allow them.” Good relationships would ultimately be based on voluntariness – and not on a sense of duty or a guilty conscience. “You don’t owe anyone anything. Only yourself.”
People who envy you, don’t grant you anything or want to slow you down
“Unfortunately, this can often be observed,” writes the author. Such problems are not addressed out loud, but are always there: “With hints, pointed remarks, rejections, making mad.” This would mean that people would not dare to make changes – and ultimately suffer for a lifetime from not having done the things they are passionate about. You should be alert when sentences are thrown along the lines of: “You think you’re something better now?” or: “So we we can’t afford it,” warns the criminologist.
Envy is anything but a nice emotion driven by institutionscreated by our modern society – like advertising and social media. When a person feels inadequate, it can bring out the worst in them.
People who want to impose bans of any kind on you
“I don’t want you to meet your ex-boyfriend”, “You shouldn’t go to parties. I trust you, but not the others there” – such or similar announcements from other people are an immense crossing of boundaries and are absolutely not evidence of Trust. Marriage therapist Weena Cullins told Mind Body Green: “If your partner violates your physical and emotional boundaries in a way that makes you feel insecure or insecure, that’s grounds for a breakup.”
As a person with their own wishes and needs, it is extremely important to preserve – and defend – your own limits. A person who doesn’t accept something like this “should be removed from your environment list,” advises Möbius.
People trapped in the victim role
Family therapist Vicki Botnick explains the victim mentality to “Healthline” like this: These people “have fallen into the belief that everyone else caused their misery and that nothing they do will ever change it”. People who see themselves as victims tend to blame others for their own problems, find excuses, and shirk responsibility.
Of course bad things happen, often to people who don’t deserve it, and sometimes the whole world seems to be conspiring against one person. But in many situations there is a different degree of personal responsibility – and those who see themselves in the victim role tend to ignore this personal responsibility and rest in self-pity. Ultimately, this is not a sustainable situation for either the person or their environment. The criminologist suggests separating yourself from people who “live in the role of victim and whose life and suffering stories from the Valley of tears and from the Wailing Wall are an integral part of your conversations”.
About author Viola Möbius
© Viola Möbius
The certified criminologist, author, speaker and edutainer Viola Möbius has already published 16 books. She transports and adapts in an unconventional way what lies behind investigators and profilers – from psychological to sociological aspects. Since 2017, Viola has also been a guest lecturer for various educational institutions. her current book”Detox your Life!: Which people you want to have in your environment. And which ones don’t!” (GABAL Verlag) was published in April 2023.
Sources used: Book “Detox Your Life – Which people you want in your environment. And which not”, bibb.de, berliner-zeitung.de, sciencedirect.com, mindbodygreen.com, healthline.com