Crisis, caprice, conflict … 4 tips from a shrink to ease tensions at home: Femme Actuelle Le MAG

Caprice or anger, refusal to do his homework or to finish his plate, non-respect of the rules at home, repeated provocations from a teenager, difficult or even non-existent communication … Result, the atmosphere at home is electric and tensions lead the atmosphere. But don't panic, everything is completely "normal".

As Anne-Catherine Sabas, psychoanalyst and author of ’A peaceful family at last at Editions du Rocher, "Power relations are inherent in the family, and it is precisely thanks to this that the child is also built."

The first thing to do is therefore to change the way we look at a crisis, a conflict at home. "This is normal, and by no means means that you are a bad parent. If we experience it differently, we are going to have a better answer.", explains the specialist.

Questioning our own attitude as a parent

With a child or teenager at home, and when there is tension, we often forget to question ourselves first. Yet, as Anne-Catherine Sabas points out, "be interested in your own tension" can be a great help in smoothing out complicated exchanges.

Realize that sometimes, yes, we can be tired, we can have poor sleep, have our own personal worries, have a lot of work, and inevitably, be in a bad mood, be less available or less patient with others. Bad timing can be the source of a fit or anger, which would not have happened under other circumstances.

Indeed, certain tensions, when one is in good shape, can simply be regulated by a discussion or a hug, points out the psychoanalyst.

The tiredness and bad mood of a parent are therefore sometimes enough to lose patience and give rise to conflict.

If you feel that this loss of patience, this mental unavailability is rising in you, perhaps first find a way to lower your inner pressure.

And there, each parent will have their own technique: take a shower, retire for a few minutes in another room, prepare a herbal tea, treat themselves to an express session of mindfulness meditation, do some breathing exercises, go out for a drink. air…

"The goal is to get in the right mood, to interact positively with your child, without being in full stress. Because children feel it well when things are not going well, and it is often there that unconsciously, they touch where it is needed to help us relieve our own stress, pushing us to throw a fit, which ultimately relieves us … ", explains Anne-Catherine Sabas.

Child, teenager, parent: do not feed the balance of power

At home, in case of disagreement, non-compliance with the rules of conduct, "the way we position ourselves is decisive", recalls the psychoanalyst.

For example, if your child does not want to eat his vegetables: put it into perspective, tell yourself that it is okay, but inform him: you are not going to improvise another dish on the spot!

"In reality, in this type of everyday situation, conflict is going to arise because you are going to resist something. Conflicts feed on fixations (on thehygiene, food, politeness, etc). However, sometimes it makes more sense to pick up the child's attitude, but not to steer, to let it flow ", indicates the specialist in communication and conflict management.

Point out that a child has not said "please", and that next time you will not give him the item he wants, or that he does not finish his plate and that he may be hungry, is important. The objective here is to explain things to him, so that the child feels that there may be consequences.

“The role of the parent is to teach the child how to live in society, that there are rules for everyone, which are often the same for adults, and that respecting them is important. the keys to a good education, by explaining to him that it is not against him that you are behind his back ", recommends Anne-Catherine Sabas.

The psychoanalyst reminds us that it is important to take a step back: if the child resists, and does not want to put on the sweater that you ask him to put on, it is not against you personally that he is "at war", but against the authority that you represent as a parent.

And if necessary, do not hesitate to involve "a third party", recalling the law and the rules which exist, and which are the same for everyone, even if indeed, sometimes it is not very funny.

Make peace with reality, stop comparing your child

Keeping in mind that your child is a whole person and stopping comparing them is essential.

Yes, your child is different from his cousin who sits perfectly at the table, nor is he the role model every parent dreams of, or doesn't communicate as well with you growing up as you might expect. … Because your child, like any human being, is unique, with his own emotions, his personality and his own way of building himself!

And it is time, if not, to make peace with reality …

Also, keep in mind that there are things your child has not yet integrated or doesn't want to integrate yet, and that is completely normal.

Show respect and kindness

"Go meet your child as he really is, far from comparisons with the neighbor and your own desires or dreams. The more we accept a reality, the less we are in permanent struggle, and the more something calms down in us … within the family suddenly! ", explains the psychoanalyst.

For example, your child is head in the air, he forgets and loses things regularly, and this has the ability to annoy you, to tire you mentally. Whenever that happens, your fixation on this loss of an object will stress him out, when he is already aware of it. He may be a child with a lot of imagination, a dreamer, and that must be accepted, because each criticism risks fueling his tension and stressing him more.

Has he once again lost his correspondence book? He himself will go and ask for a new one at his school, and take responsibility, there is nothing very "serious", he will learn to be careful.

"A child always feels inferior to his parents: smaller, he knows less things, knows less how to do things, and if we reproach him for not knowing how to do such a thing, or to manage such another thing, we will devalue him However, stress and devaluation often lead to conflicts, especially atadolescence, where the child wants to show that he knows how to do and needs to be valued, even in the event of failure. Respect and kindness are essential to live serenely! ", specifies Anne-Catherine Sabas.

Thanks to Anne-Catherine Sabas, psychoanalyst, specialist in communication and conflict management, author of A Family at Last Peaceful, Éditions du Rocher, www.anne-catherine-sabas.com

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