Whether when dating or in a possible "friendship", you have certainly experienced curving before, maybe even done it yourself. What is behind it and why it hurts so much, you can read here.
Thanks to the Internet and online communication tools such as messengers and dating apps, we now have umpteen times more contacts and acquaintances than people had 40 or 50 years ago. We just have to create a profile in some portal and we can be in conversation with ten new people within an hour. Due to this extreme multiplication of our social points of contact, interpersonal (wrong) behavior has also become an everyday or mass phenomenon and therefore terms such as ghosting, benching and breadcrumbing have emerged in the past few years that help us to grasp and understand what we and the others fabricate together.
Curving also describes a behavior for which we would not necessarily have needed a word a few decades ago, because it would have been at best a marginal phenomenon in our lives. But since we're alive today, we've probably all experienced it before – and some of us may even have done it ourselves.
What is curving?
Derived from the English verb "curve" (to curve), curving describes a behavior pattern that is particularly common in dating, but can also occur in friendly or other interpersonal relationships. It is characteristic of curving that the person concerned, the curver, circles around his acquaintance, but repeatedly evades direct contact or commitment to a relationship – hence the term.
4 signs of curving
Admittedly, that doesn't sound very tangible at first and exactly like breadcrumbing or benching, but the difference to these two is that curving is primarily a reactive behavior. The following characteristics are typical of curving and probably make it clearer what exactly it is.
1. Curvers never really come up to you
If you are "curved" by someone, you should notice after a while that most of the time you have to approach the person, but they approach you significantly less often. Your "relationship" would probably vanish as soon as you stopped looking for contact. This shows a certain closeness and similarity to ghosting, which is not particularly surprising – Curver and Ghoster usually have a lot in common in terms of their personality.
2. Curvers often take a long time for an answer
It can take days, weeks or even months for a curver to reply to a message. As a rule, things rarely happen quickly if, for example, B. is bored right now or happens to be in the mood.
3. Curvers are rarely available for direct contact
Dating a Curver and actually meeting is insanely difficult! When a date comes about, there have usually been several attempts and postponements beforehand. Simply going for a drink with a Curver is an impossibility.
4. Curvers always have compelling excuses
For both their delayed responses and their rejections and baskets, curvers mostly have plausible explanations that make it difficult not to forgive them. Stress at work, health problems, important appointments or trips – your excuses are always somehow understandable and seem authentic. Therefore, it takes many people a long time to recognize curving and to decide to stop contact with the person concerned.
What Makes People Curve?
There are many possible motives and backgrounds that can induce people to act like a curver:
- Fear of being alone
- Fear of attachment
- lack of self-confidence / inner conflict
- mental problems
- social incompetence
- ice cold calculation
- pathological egoism
In the end, it doesn't matter what exactly is behind this behavior, because the bottom line for you is: If someone curls you, you don't seem important enough to him or her to seriously care about your relationship and invest in it. Maybe this person really likes you and even thinks "I should do more to get closer to her", but he doesn't act on it – and that means he doesn't deserve you.
As hard as it sounds and as difficult as it is sometimes: We should all devote our energy to those who give us something back. And if, for whatever reason, we are not ready to get involved with a person, we should admit it to ourselves and be honest with them instead of being carried away into curving as well. Because being held off not only hurts a lot, but also keeps us from spending time with people who really care about us.