Violence in the relationship
"The policemen shrugged and left"
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Susanna * has been arguing with her ex about their daughter for years. She knows that he is violent and that the child wants her. But she always loses out in court.
Protocol: Anne Dittmann
One evening when Leonie * was a baby, I asked her father to go into his own apartment. Tom * and I had only been together for a few months, now we shared custody. But Tom was offended. Because I had split up and now I asked him to go. I explained that I just needed rest when he slapped my face against the wall.
How it started
Two police officers came to see a crying mother with a baby and a shaky voice, with no detectable injuries. And a man who rolled his eyes in embarrassment. The policemen shrugged and left. I was left in shock. Tom had shown me that he can hurt me – and above all that nobody will believe me.
From then on he never left me alone, insulted me when I was handed over, reported me for assault because I had Leonie vaccinated against measles. I often thought: What he's doing is completely ridiculous. I tried to give in, to find access to him, to initiate consultations for families and mediation at various offices. Nothing helped.
A glimmer of hope
When Leonie was five, we moved out to the country in a beautiful little house. On our first walk there, I took a deep breath and my chest relaxed. A sigh of relief. Tom and I had agreed: I get the provisional right of residence, Leonie visits him every two weeks. It worked – until she didn't come back over a weekend. Instead, a letter from the court and Tom's lawyer: Custody is being renegotiated because I had withdrawn the child from Tom and am intolerant of ties – that is, sabotaging the bond between father and child.
I panicked and moved back to town. Nevertheless, Leonie should stay with her father. The reason: continuity principle, she should come to rest. What a screaming injustice! I felt left alone and unprotected. Shortly afterwards, Leonie's teacher told me that my daughter had stopped speaking and had become a sad girl. And I wasn't allowed to do anything for her! I will never forget this pain.
lies over lies
Tom can be charming, good with words. He said to the youth welfare office and the judicial expert that I had a borderline personality disorder – the "diagnosis" was officially recorded. How can that be? And how do you prove to a dish that you are mentally healthy? That one is of course mentally burdened by a justice system that wears you down.
I sent counter-reports from two psychology professors and Leonie's psychiatrist: They all recommended that she let her live with me again. The court "took note" of the documents. Not more. I collapsed at home, screaming and crying. How can everything get so twisted? That's when I thought for the first time: I can't anymore. But someone has to help my daughter! I started to study law at home and contacted mothers in similar situations.
The consequences are already evident
Leonie is now eleven, her suffering is now symptomatic: Depression, neurodermatitis, suicidal thoughts. She has fled to me several times. First when Tom choked her in a heated argument. Your psychiatrist reported this to the youth welfare office. Tom claims, however, that he just struck her neck with his arm. When we went to the police station to testify, several policemen tore Leonie away from me to hand her over to him. He had obtained a surrender resolution. Gradually I realized: the more I fight back and try to protect Leonie, the greater his revenge will be.
hopelessness
The last time Leonie fled was in September. We hadn't seen each other for three weeks, her father was just getting a ban on contacting me. We were holding each other when he kicked my apartment door, twisted my finger and broke my bone in the process. He dragged us both outside where everyone could see us. Leonie screamed, I urinated in fear, Tom hit me in the stomach. Police officers came and waved a document from the youth welfare office: The child has to go back to the father. I could only call after my daughter: "Everything will be fine!"
Of course, everything can never be right again. My daughter is traumatized and has to live with it. In three years she can decide for herself who she wants to live with. I'm just afraid that it won't last that long.
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