Everyone has probably been on a bad date. What is the most respectful way to act in a situation like this?
It’s a quandary: You’ve prepared and looked forward to a date, but then the other person doesn’t match your expectations at all and the spark just doesn’t want to fly. Going through a bad date can be an uncomfortable experience that takes both time and emotions. But what do you do in such a situation so as not to offend the other person and at the same time respect your own boundaries? In an interview with the news agency spot on news, relationship psychologist Wieland Stolzenburg explains how a respectful basket works and in which exceptional situations ghosting is allowed.
Most people have probably been on a date that isn’t going so well. Is it better to express that now? Or do you prefer to wait and then send an SMS?
Wieland Stolzenburg: The decision on how to deal with a date that is not going so well depends on our personality and the situation. There are advantages and disadvantages for both variants.
If we’re uncomfortable on the date, or if we realize that the other person isn’t a match for a relationship at all, we can express it politely and respectfully. We are free to do so, even if it takes courage and could potentially hurt the other.
Most people wait and only communicate it after the meeting. This offends the other less and gives us the opportunity to reflect on the date again.
In both cases, the feedback should be appreciative and non-reproachful. Nevertheless, one can honestly express that one had the feeling that it didn’t fit.
Ultimately, it often depends on the situation as to which of the options is better suited. If our counterpart behaves impossibly, direct feedback during the date is often the better choice. Because it is not only about treating our counterpart well, but also ourselves.
Rejection always hurts. How do you pack a basket without hurting the other person?
Stolzenburg: Rejection is never easy, but we can package it empathetically so as not to hurt the other person unnecessarily. We should stay with our feelings and that it doesn’t suit us. But that doesn’t mean that the other person isn’t okay. Expressing this differentiation can be very helpful. It also helps if we emphasize positive characteristics of the other and express appreciation for the time spent together. Nevertheless, this cancellation should not leave a back door open, but rather express our position clearly and unambiguously. Giving hope to the other only makes everything more complicated or difficult.
For example, we might say, “Thank you for the time we spent together. I’m sorry, but I don’t feel the same as you right now. I don’t think it would be fair if I didn’t make that clear to you. You are a great person and there is nothing wrong with you at all. Unfortunately, my feelings are not sufficient for a partnership.”
Do you have to justify why there is no interest?
Stolzenburg: No, we are not obliged to give a detailed explanation as to why we are not interested in getting to know each other or in a relationship. No one should feel guilty if they openly and appreciatively tell the other that things aren’t going well for them.
Sometimes there’s a specific reason, but often it’s more of a feeling, a sensation that’s hard to put into words. It could be due to inappropriate attachment styles, which often play a role and are difficult to explain. But it could also be due to other factors that the person himself may not be able to name exactly.
If the other asks for a reason and there is a reason, we are free to answer that question. We should respond fairly and appreciatively and not give the other person the feeling that there is something wrong with them.
Is it ever okay to ghost?
Stolzenburg: Ghosting means that you suddenly and without warning break off contact with a person without explaining the break-off. People who ghost don’t answer anymore and leave the other person in the dark.
I only know of a few cases in which it makes sense to break off contact in the form of ghosting. For example, when stalking, when someone sends unwanted and annoying messages, although you have already made it clear that you no longer want contact and this request has been ignored.
Otherwise, ghosting is the opposite of fair and appreciative communication and not appropriate handling. It’s commonly seen as hurtful, rude, and disrespectful. Especially if the previous contact was longer, intense or intimate. An appropriate way to end a connection with a date would be with a friendly message. Such respectful and open communication is always the best way to deal with each other in the interpersonal area.
The principle could also apply here: behave as you would like to be treated yourself and try to be empathetic and appreciative, even if you no longer wish to have contact with this person.
It also happens that instead of a relationship, you can only imagine a friendship. Can this work and what is the best way to communicate something like this?
Stolzenburg: Yes, it often happens that a date develops into a friendship. This works especially well when both are not interested in a romantic relationship. Otherwise it often ends badly, because at some point the person with more interest is disappointed that nothing more develops from it.
If we can only imagine a friendship, we can express it. By letting our counterpart know that a relationship is out of the question for us, but that we would be happy to have a friendship. Whether the other wants that is another matter. How close a possible friendship then develops, time will tell. A deep friendship does not develop overnight, but develops over time and through shared experiences.