Passive-aggressive people are a horror – but how can you deal with them constructively? Experts give tips.
“Not everyone would dare to put on a dress like that,” she says with a smile on her lips, and the verbal dagger pierces your small, tender heart.
Passive-aggressive people are really skilled with their verbal attacks and can hit where it hurts. Do they always do this with bad intentions? Not necessarily. Does that help us the moment we stand in front of them with our jaws open? Hardly. Half-heartedly throwing in “It was just a joke, don’t always take everything so seriously” doesn’t save the situation either. But what can we say and do to counter passive-aggressive people in our lives? Here are a few tips from psychologists.
Recognizing passive-aggressive patterns
We’re all human, we all have our bad days, and we don’t always communicate in a way that suits our needs or the needs of others. That’s absolutely fine. But when the little verbal tips seem to be piling up, it’s worth taking a closer look.
Psychologist Ellen Hendriksen advises paying attention to patterns: Are there regular passive-aggressive comments from the other person, for example when a situation is particularly stressful? Is there perhaps a conflict that is in the room but is simply not being expressed?
start a conversation
Anyone who makes passive-aggressive statements seems to want to avoid open conflict. Even if it may be difficult: In such cases it is up to you to go into the confrontation. The easiest way is to say what is happening in the situation, the experts advise.
For example: you invite a friend to a party you are hosting, but not her partner. On site, the annoyed friend says something along the lines of: “Now that I see the location, I understand why your guest list was limited – you hardly have any room to breathe here.”
You could jump in at this point and address the real issue: “I may be wrong, but I have a feeling you’re upset that I didn’t invite your friend over. Shall we talk about it?”
Understand why passive-aggressive people avoid confrontation – and create a safe space
Very few people should enjoy being passive-aggressive. After all, they carry anger that they feel they shouldn’t verbalize. Often they are afraid of the reaction of their counterpart, of being rejected and do not feel heard or seen.
You can counteract this by making it clear to them that it’s okay to bring up the problem that seems to be in the room. Make sure that you don’t react the way they fear: stay calm and matter-of-fact and try to find a solution together with the passive-aggressive person.
Professor Preston Ni, author of How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People, advises involving the other person in solving the problem. For example, you can ask, “If you were me, how would you have handled the situation?” Maybe the person comes up with a constructive solution, but maybe it’s enough for them to feel noticed at the moment.
But if only further criticism comes, try not to agree with it or to reject it. ‘Just tell the person you’ll keep their points in mind and get back to the actual issues,’ Professor Ni said.
stay positive yourself
Passive-aggressive people are quite a grumpy society – that’s why it’s all the more important that you don’t let it spoil your mood. The experts advise not to repay like with like. Says: Don’t be passive-aggressive yourself or yell at the person, try to stay calm.
In such situations, focus primarily on your own actions and statements. In the above example, the person may criticize your style of dress. You can be offended, you can attack them yourself. Or you can just think to yourself, “I like it.”
Set clear boundaries
Passive-aggressive people have often not learned that their behavior has consequences – and above all they have learned a conflict behavior that can hardly be described as constructive. It is certainly not your job to re-educate an often adult person, but sometimes you do not have the opportunity to withdraw from the person. This can be the case when you have to work with a passive-aggressive person.
“Oh, should I do the job as well?” Such a statement is hardly helpful. Maybe the person is trying to tell you that they already have too many chores, or maybe that they don’t think it’s fair to have to do this or that task.
You could spend all day pondering what the other person is trying to tell you with this indirect communication. Or you could clearly state: “This task must be completed, by the time and then. It is your responsibility to get this done. Otherwise, the client will withdraw the job from us.”
In the best case, you can show the person alternatives, for example: “You can also do the task tomorrow if today is too much.” This way she doesn’t feel at the mercy of the situation, which may be a possible reason behind the passive-aggressive behavior.
It is very important not to buckle. Passive-aggressive people should be shown the consequences of their actions, although sometimes we might prefer to do the task ourselves “for the sake of simplicity”. But that doesn’t help anyone.
Sources used: psychologytoday.com, psychologie-heute.de, wikihow.com