With our 4-point program, small angry oaks can be soothed. Read here how to best react in times of stressful defiance. Three pairs of parents tested our de-escalation plan and report how they fared with it.
1. Prepare yourself!
The "vaccination" against defiance is only effective if action was taken before the outbreak of the disease and not just in the middle – the parental stress program is also running at full speed. So think about beforehand how you want to react to defiance. And clarify these questions for you: How do I keep my love? How do I see my child? What do I do to prevent the situation from escalating? Always good: Talking more quietly instead of getting loud yourself.
2. Put your child's feelings into words!
For little people, big emotions are difficult to control. For example, say, "You're angry because you want chocolate now." And offer a solution like: "And it's as dessert after lunch." The principle: Don't talk a lot, just do the right thing – the word "but" is not one of them. Because of the sentence: "But you get the chocolate after lunch", children only get one thing, says child psychologist Berwanger: "There is – now – no chocolate. That is mean." The reason for this: "But" emphasizes the conflict and arouses resistance. "And" reassures us: Chocolate after lunch may not be the best solution in the child's eyes, but it is still an option.
3. Personalize the anger!
Who is actually angry? All of Max? Or is the anger in your stomach? Is there an angry monster crouching on your shoulder and inciting the poor guy? Or is an angry bear raging in the head? Whoever found the culprit is already halfway out of the tantrum. Mom and Dad can appeal to the sensible part of the child: "Can you tell the angry monster that there will be candies again tomorrow?" And Max also comes out of the situation with decency: "That was the angry monster that annoyed me."
4. Don't leave your little dwarf alone!
Little people get angry because they are suffering. To be overwhelmed by having to make a decision, for example. Play Lego or take out cars? If parents calmly wait for the tantrum and then hug their desperate child, they learn something essential: Mom and Dad always love me, even when I get angry. They help and comfort me in dire situations. That gives security.
Practical test 1: "We're going to send the motzbears outside!"
Who defies Lotta, 19 months, and Nils, 3rd Maja, 7, luckily no longer.
When? Lotta in the morning when Papa goes to work and she's not allowed to go; Nils half an hour later, when he's supposed to get dressed for kindergarten.
Who is against it? Sandra and Jens Groh, both pedagogically not unlucky: Sandra worked as a childminder for a few years, Jens is a social worker.
Does parent coaching work? Very good! Sandra: "When Jens leaves and Lotta is furious, I'll be there and comfort you – right, you're sad because you're not allowed to go out? Let's finish breakfast quickly, then we'll go too." Doesn't always help, but often: "I would not have thought that Lotta would understand so much – and see. By explaining her feelings to both of us and offering a solution by making clear agreements with Lotta, I have become more reliable for her. "
And when Nils does not want to get dressed and pounds his shoes in the corner, Sandra puts an imaginary grumpy bear in front of the door and explains to her son: "When he's outside, you can get dressed in peace." At first, Nils was perplexed (what does mom want now?), Then he thought it was funny – but the most important thing: It works, at least for the moment.
Practice test 2: "Comfort, but stay clear on the matter!"
Who defies Jonas, soon 2.
When? Almost always: when big brother Luis, 4, wants to play alone and he, Jonas, is not allowed into the children's room; when mom cooks and Jonas doesn't get the sharp kitchen knife. When he should sit in the buggy, when he can only cross the street holding dad's hand. Who is against it? Franziska and Fabian Schäfer.
Does parent coaching work? Only in part – but it works fine.
What didn't work? "The angry monster number," says Franziska.
How so? "Jonas is too small for that and Luis too big. He thought I was crazy." More helpful for her was the realization "that my angry self is not doing well if he defies. And that I can hug him as long as I remain clear about the matter." So: You won't get mom's kitchen knife, but you always get 100 percent of her love. "That makes me feel better and the tantrum fades away faster."
Practical test 3: "The exit strategy must be in place beforehand!"
Who defies Heidi, 17 months.
When? In the supermarket, preferably in the late afternoon, when the guardians are weak anyway
Who is against it? Mama Rikki Dowie and Papa Arne Gehler as well as preschool brother Frederik, 5, which is not necessarily helpful in this matter
Does parent coaching work? Yes. Although: "Naming the feelings or even inventing an angry monster is too cumbersome for me. Usually a tantrum like this evaporates relatively quickly, even without fuss," says Rikki. "However, I find it helpful to think about an exit strategy beforehand, because you are overwhelmed in the situation yourself."
An example? "If Heidi tries to wrestle an apple in the supermarket, she'll get it. Apples are healthy, that's that. We also don't discuss vanilla yoghurt. It goes into the shopping cart and that's it. But I have the arguments on my side in front of the candy shelf: You have already chosen fruit and yoghurt, that's enough for today. "
What is much more difficult in everyday life, however: The thing with the "but". Rikki Dowie: "It makes sense to me that this is how I really fuel my daughter's spirit of contradiction. Nevertheless, it slips out regularly. I still have to work on that."
This article originally appeared on Eltern.de.