My demented mother: sometimes friendly, sometimes aggressive and unpredictable
I don't know how many times in the past three years I have left everything to calm my mother down or to collect somewhere when she ran away. She is 84 years old and has dementia. Her condition fluctuates between friendly old lady and aggressive, stubborn and unpredictable.
I look after her every day, an outpatient care service comes in the morning and evening, but most of it sticks with my father. He is still relatively fit mentally and physically at 82, but continuing to look after the wife and household is beyond his strength. The nights are particularly bad. Sometimes my mother cries and wails for hours.
When a nursing home is the only sensible thing
Half a year ago, we started looking for a suitable retirement facility in our area and found something. The facility is really nice and well managed. Most of all, my parents can live together as before, in a nice apartment.
At first my mother was really impressed. But when we were almost through with all the paperwork, she suddenly said that moving was out of the question. She berated my father and me with wild expressions. She accused my husband of only arranging the move to give her house a go. This is nonsense. We have to sell the house to finance the care. My father's pension is nowhere near sufficient.
My mother's outburst of anger was very hard on me. Then we decided to put everything on hold. A mistake. My mother's condition is not getting better, even if my father clings to every good moment and says, "I can do that."
I want to believe that so much. Who wants to force a loved one into a care facility against their will? I sometimes wonder how I would feel if it were about me. The idea is a nightmare for me. The children always calm me down and say, "Grandma is demented, she doesn't think like you. She doesn't even recognize us anymore. " The other three were with her recently and she asked Anna about her eldest brother, "who is this dashing young man? I would like that too. " At least sometimes there is still something to laugh about. Otherwise it would be really desperate.
Nobody goes to a care facility voluntarily
My mother continues to say no to moving, my father yes and no. We have to make an amicable decision. Both the advance directive and the power of attorney are with my father and me.
At the time, we thought it would be a good idea to spread responsibility over several shoulders. Now it makes the whole thing more complicated. "Nobody volunteers in a nursing home "recently said a friend who works in a dementia competence center. "The best thing to tell your mother is that she and her father spend a few days of vacation in a nice hotel. Most relatives do that. Once she is there, she will definitely like it.
I also have to be there for my own family
It doesn't seem right to me, but I probably don't have a choice. After all, my family still exists. Our two sons are already out of college to study, but our youngest is only 15. She still needs me very much. I also did my Abitur five years ago, studied social pedagogy and would like to start again professionally.
Sometimes I feel selfish, sometimes I think I have a right to my life. Fortunately, my husband encourages me to do so. He has a pretty good overview of the whole problem because he has represented the disabled, the chronically ill and their families as a lawyer for over 20 years. With his level-headed manner, he was able to convince my father that it is better not to tell my mother about selling houses and moving house. It just upsets them.
Next month I'll take her to the senior citizens' facility and stay with her for now. My father will follow as soon as everything has calmed down. In the meantime, the house is being vacated. The purchase contract is already with the notary. I very much hope that my mother will soon feel comfortable in the new environment. If necessary, I also tell her the story of the vacation in the hotel.
* The name was changed by the editors