Overcoming the crisis
When you want sex but not with your partner
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You love your partner, he is the man of your life – and you want sex, but no longer with him? You are not alone in this dilemma.
Maintaining desire in relationships is a challenge for most couples – in around 20 percent of long-term partnerships, it is estimated that sex no longer takes place. Some couples come to terms with it and don't miss anything, others suffer because you want to have sex yourself, but the other person doesn't.
Sex With Another – The Solution?
There is, however, another difficult constellation: You want sex yourself, but no longer with your loved one. It's not about wanting another man or falling in love with someone. But you worry that at the next opportunity you could throw yourself into an affair that endangers or even destroys the relationship.
You long for physical love – but not for it
The American psychologist Dr. Marianne Brandon often hears such complaints from her clients, as she writes in the New York magazine "Psychology Today". And she knows: There are no simple solutions to this problem, unless you want a separation or an open relationship, but you also don't want to be celibate.
The good news is, it's not up to us
Brandon knows, however, why the desire for the partner decreases. The reason for our listlessness in bed at home lies in our nature:
We are not made to have lust for the same person for years.
The purpose of passion is not to bind two people together in the long run, but simply to ensure the reproduction of the species. As soon as the goal is reached (or there is no offspring for a long time), the desire for the partner decreases. The desire itself can, however, persist regardless of this – we quickly notice this when we find ourselves in a lover's bed or when we experience sexual heights with a new partner after a breakup.
This knowledge relieves the burden: it is not up to him or me if the desire dries up, nobody is to blame, neither me nor my partner. Couples tend to develop different narratives as to why things don't go well in bed: because the other lets go, because they're both too stressed, or because their partner's porn consumption turns them off. But even if such reasons may be partially true, according to Brandon, it does not change the fact that nature wants something different from us.
So what can we do?
Holding the partner responsible for our lack of desire doesn't get us any further. According to Brandon, what helps is showing each other one's innermost sexual desires and thereby creating real intimacy. Although this is risky because it is shameful, it is worthwhile if you take these three points to heart:
- Really showing yourself is less of a threat if you discuss the adventure together in advance. This makes you feel less vulnerable when you reveal your inner being, and your loved one is not surprised or even intimidated.
- Learn again to listen more to your own sensations – that is, to give less space to thoughts and pay more attention to your body. This takes some practice, because our thoughts are loud.
- Most people do not dare to bring their innermost desires to light because the shame is so great. Try to give her less space – the advantage of a long relationship is that you can trust each other.