Dialogue: How it works | BRIGITTE.de

All about that special couple talk


A dialogue can take the relationship to a higher level and save partnerships. What rules apply to this self-help concept?

A relationship doesn’t work without communication. But also the way How we talk to each other is not unimportant. Instead of blaming each other, there are ways to communicate in a more non-violent way – for example using a dialogue.

What is a dialogue?

The dialogue is a tried and tested concept Prevent relationship problems and conflicts or even solve them. It’s a kind of self-help concept developed by doctors and psychoanalysts Michael Luke Moeller was developed. Dialogue is about entering into a dialogue with one another without actually leading a dialogue. Rather it is a exchange conversation. The participants take turns reporting on their own feelings, thoughts and emotions without responding to what the other person said. When it’s the other person’s turn, it’s all about Listen.

When can couples benefit from dialogue?

The dialogue is not only suitable for couples. It can just as well take place among friends, work colleagues or in the family. In general we can interpersonal relationships always benefit from the dialogue. After all, it ensures that we understand each other better and immerse ourselves in the thoughts and feelings of our fellow human beings. Sometimes we still need an incentive to integrate routines into our lives. The dialogue can become such a routine in your relationship life if:

  • You are in a difficult life situation.
  • You just pass each other, but don’t live together.
  • You generally find it difficult to talk about feelings and emotions or your relationship.
  • You want to revitalize your sexuality.
  • You are about to separate or divorce.
  • You only argue when you talk to each other.
  • You are waiting for a couple therapy place.
  • You want to learn more about each other.
  • You want more empathy and affection in the relationship.

How do you have a dialogue?

In order for the conversation method to really work, there are a few Rules to note. Here you will find a guide for the dialogue, which you can use as a guide again and again.

1. The preparation

  • The dialogue should take place regularly. Moeller suggests meeting once a week for an exchange. This is not a must. You can also schedule your dialogue every two weeks or once a month.
  • The conversation should not be conducted between door and hinge. Instead, it is recommended that schedule an appointment for a meeting. This ensures that you take the exchange just as seriously as doctor appointments or meet-ups with friends.
  • Put your phones aside and turns them off. That way you won’t be disturbed and you can focus on each other.
  • Read the dialogue rules together and clarifies possible questions in advance. This way, no questions arise during the couple’s conversation and you can concentrate on your content.

2. The conversation

  • The dialogue is an exchange dialogue. In concrete terms, this means: One person starts and speaks for 15 minutes. After that, the partner has 15 minutes of talk time. Then it is the first person’s turn again. After 15 minutes there is another change.
  • Plan for the conversation about 60 to 90 minutes time one
  • To keep an eye on the time, you can use one set timers.
  • Make sure you stick to the 15 minute speaking time. Even if you are overcome by speechlessness, time goes on. Enduring mutual silence is important for the relationship. Remind yourself that those 15 minutes are all yours. You can fill them however it feels best for you.
  • Now for the content. The conversation is about to stay completely with yourself. Avoid accusations, resistance, solutions or insinuations. Just talk about you, yours Feelings, thoughts, emotions and goals – just about whatever is on your mind.
  • Even if the dialogue is intended to promote your relationship, the conversation is not about you as a couple, but about you as a person.

3. The Rules

  • Don’t give advice to your counterpart.
  • Don’t blame him:her.
  • Don’t respond to what your partner says.
  • Practice respect and understanding. Everyone only shares what he or she wants to share.
  • Don’t ask your counterpart any questions.
  • It is up to you whether you sit across from each other, face each other, or position yourself back to back during the exchange. Find out what position you can best use to talk about yourself and feel comfortable doing it.

The dialogue needs to be learned. Things won’t always go the way you would like. It’s not that easy to talk about yourself for 30 to 45 minutes and practice patience and silence in between. But you will quickly notice: the more often you get together for couple talks, the better it goes. You may also get into arguments or start a discussion at one time or another. At this point you should break off the dialogue and meet again at a later time.

What effect do dialogues have?

Communicating is not always easy for us – especially in romantic relationships, we like to keep our emotions behind the mountain. Sometimes, however, conflicts escalate over time and the situation escalates. We blame each other and throw accusations at each other. The dialogue is intended to avoid this. Instead of serving up insinuations to each other, we should get naked in front of each other.

By being allowed to talk about ourselves for a few minutes, we are forced to reflect on ourselves. And not only with regard to our role in the relationship, but also about behavior patterns, desires and goals. That’s how we create emotional closeness and a better understanding of each other. And that in turn creates attraction.

Other topics that might interest you: Proximity-distance problem, fear of loss, overcoming fear of commitment and starting over after separation.

Source used:

  • “The truth begins in twos: The couple in conversation” by Michael Lukas Moeller


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