She is incredibly exhausting with her moods, her egocentricity, her strange views. And yet we hold on to it. Why complicated friendships are a gift at second glance.
She has been part of my life for as long as I can remember. Very early on, in the shared apartment phase, she often called me several times a day; 98.8 percent of the time it was about her crush, what he was doing and saying. I rarely got away for less than an hour; if the swarm was silent, it could be two (“Why isn’t he in touch?”). She didn’t dispute the fact that this didn’t earn me any sympathy points from my roommates and other friends (“You’re always busy!”). But she had the driest sayings, knew the coolest clubs and was the center of every party. She inspired. And annoying. Our relationship status: It’s complicated.
Later, when evenings no longer began in shared kitchens but rather in restaurants, she was the one who would sullenly lower the menu when I had just placed my order: “Don’t piss me off, let’s go somewhere else.” When she had a baby, she declared my then childless life to be virtually pointless, and when I followed suit with becoming a mother (not because of her), the stress didn’t stop. After all, the last few years have provided enough hot topics: Migration, Corona, Ukraine war. What she sent me on social media (“It will open your eyes!”) sometimes fell hard on the side of lateral thinking, sometimes it was right in the middle.
Why am I doing this to myself? Now: I’m not talking about a single person. More of a certain type of girlfriend I’ve had my entire adult life. Overdramatic, capricious, self-focused. Even though I usually didn’t notice it right away. In addition to all the wonderful women who accompany me through my life, with whom I can discuss career plans, favorite novels and boot colors and even just exchange a meaningful glance, With great reliability, there is always exactly one that consumes significantly more energy than it gives.
Good friendships extend our lives
At some point my tank is empty, sometimes these relationships fizzle out quietly in mutual ghosting, sometimes with a bang. And every time I ask myself: Do I have a sign around my neck that says something like: “Dump emotional waste here”? Or am I just a cold, superficial person? On the other hand: Then I would hardly have had companions with whom I have been connected for many years, going through crises together, from heartbreak to childhood puberty. I’m interested in: Is the “difficult girlfriend” part of the basic attitude of a woman’s life? – and what else does she have in her luggage besides stress? Maybe something good too?
Friendship is a strange construct, at the same time exaggerated and disregarded. The researcher Erika Alleweldt, professor of social pedagogy, describes it as a “central type of social relationship”. Friendships have been proven to keep us healthy and even make us live longer because they – in general – reduce stress. We can’t choose our family, sooner or later love goes hand in hand with external dependencies, Friendships are completely voluntary. Its intensity can be adjusted up and down, and you can end it without spending money and time on coaching and/or a lawyer first. On the other hand, female friendship is also mythically charged: the idea of indestructible kinship is part of the cultural heritage, from “Hanni and Nanni” to “Thelma and Louise” to the quartet from “Sex and the City”, three of whom are also over 50 are still serial BFFs (“And just like that”).
This fall between romantic fantasies of closeness and simultaneous lack of commitment often leads to imbalance. Especially when there are different expectations of time together, of closeness, of harmony – at least that’s how it was with my “difficult friendships”. Plus the pitfalls that life throws in: how do you deal with it when one person is doing better, in work, in love, financially, health-wise? When political conflict is added to the mix, it is often just the last straw that breaks the camel’s back. “Friendship is a space of security in which one seeks refuge in times of crisis. To suddenly be surprised there by sides and positions that we would not have expected from those close to us is disturbing,” says Erika Alleweldt.
“Many women don’t pay enough attention to warning signs in their friendships, unlike in romantic relationships, for example.”
However, as shocked as I’ve been by some of my “politically difficult” friends’ views in recent years, they were probably also shocked by mine. And when it comes to interpersonal relationships – am I also the problem for others in the end? This dawns on me when I talk to Susann Sitzler on the phone, an author and expert on human relationships of all kinds. She has written books about the beautiful and terrible things that happen between siblings, between fathers and daughters, and also between friends*. Yes, she says, I am not alone in my experience. But when I ask her why I seem to attract a strenuous type of woman, she doesn’t accept it: “It’s never just one side that’s difficult, in the sense of being narcissistic, self-centered, dramatic. But how people react to each other happens within a relationship .” The supposedly difficult behavior is often either a reaction or the dark side of a quality that we actually value in the other person.
So she has me. Because it’s true: the drama queens in my life were often particularly charismatic, dazzling women. And in this respect there was definitely give and take in these relationships. A typical pattern: On the one hand, she with her inspiring sense of adventure, who always had something to tell. On the other hand, I was the reliable, more sensible one who boiled down her king-sized emotions. Until they became too much for me.
However, this doesn’t happen from one moment to the next. Apparently I didn’t take warning signs seriously enough and at the same time I was conflict-averse. Not exactly very mature of me, but also typical, says Susann Sitzler: “Many women don’t pay enough attention to warning signs in their friendships, unlike in romantic relationships, for example. And at the same time they are afraid of ending friendships because they represent social capital.” So we drag along relationships in which we actually don’t feel good (anymore). But neither does the other one.
Cards on the table
This can be done better. Sitzler has a radical tip: Cards on the table. Address the problem promptly and openly – and how to set a framework in which both of you feel comfortable. This requires honest answers: I have so much time for you in my life, so much energy, that’s what I appreciate about you. And I would rather ignore this topic because it always leads to injuries.
Of course it is possible that an agreement cannot be reached. Or danger zones are too large to avoid permanently. Then you have to say goodbye, ideally with mutual gratitude. But it can also be that a friendship grows through honesty. Instead of disappointment (“Why should I always get in touch?”), annoyance (“Now she’s complaining for hours about her abusive mother again, but doesn’t want to hear about solutions!”) or bewilderment (“If she were to be a Sahra-Wagener to me again -video, I scream!”) clarity about common boundaries occurs. “A friend is like a mirror in which you see yourself,” says Susann Sitzler, “but in the best case, the other one too.” This is also the gift of strenuous friendships: self-knowledge, courage, communication training.
I will remember that. At the moment the position of “difficult friend” is vacant for me. But if that changes, I’ll let you know how it went.
Go or stay? Decision support for complicated friendships
How does that feel?
When you think of your “difficult girlfriend,” what does your body signal? Tension and pressure or warmth and well-being?
How balanced are we?
Imbalances often make friendship difficult. It’s not about tallies of who gets in touch and how often or gives gifts. Different input can also be good for both sides: here the reliable one, there the one with the crazy ideas.
What is my share?
Friendship crises are never just one-sided. What did you contribute to it? Can you both express criticism, but also accept it?
What can I do with her?
Despite all the stress, is there something that makes your girlfriend unique to you? What would your life be missing without her?
What is the name of the elephant in the room?
Envy of your partner, the more carefree life, the body of others? Not a noble feeling, but that doesn’t make it go away. It is often a relief to address the topic openly instead of keeping it quiet.