Narcissists or perfectionists – these are actually people with whom it is objectively difficult to cope. But most of the difficulties in working together arise from the relationship dynamics. "Just think of someone you find difficult and a typical situation with that person," says communications expert Karen Zoller. "The core problem is mostly the same: you feel compelled or circumcised when dealing with the person, and that triggers a feeling of distress. And because we don't like it, we quickly classify the other as difficult."
That is why it makes sense to first look at which parts of your personality you get hooked with the other. "It is usually about the same four basic needs that control people: namely the proximity and distance as well as structure and change," says Zoller. "And when people with different needs meet, it quickly becomes difficult." It helps to know that others are different and that their behavior does not always mean personal rejection. This makes it easier to be considerate. "If you know yourself better and know how the other ticks, you can also boldly represent your personal pain threshold. Because this can also lead to new clarity: that I make a conscious decision to distance myself from this person."
Exercise: NEED CHECK
With the following questions, you can track down your own needs and assess whether people you find difficult may be at the opposite pole. First of all, spontaneously choose the answer that best applies to yourself.
You inherit some money. What are you going to do with this sum?
A: I pay that into my pension insurance. For later.
B: First of all, I treat myself to a spontaneous vacation or something really nice.
C: I buy something for the whole family. For example, a new, comfortable sofa would be nice for everyone.
D: I do not know yet. In any case, I don't talk too much about it, so that nobody just chats me in.
Stress drains your nerves. How do you find peace again?
A: I am cleaning up my apartment. External order also sorts me internally.
B: I am distracting myself! When I dance or sit in the cinema, I can switch off from everything.
C: I am looking for a nice person to pronounce myself correctly. After that I feel better.
D: I run a lap in the forest. The best way to sort thoughts and feelings is when I'm alone.
What should a really relaxing vacation look like for you?
A: Hiking or a bike tour! Preferably, of course, with a person I already know very well.
B: I like it to be as diverse as possible. Something like two days of beach, one day of sightseeing in the city and then a safari.
C: A beautiful apartment where you can spend the holiday weeks with friends or family and have plenty of time for each other. That's great.
D: I like quiet places. Sailing or traveling in the off-season. It is relaxing for me when I have nobody around me.
What kind of friendships are particularly important to you?
A: To meet my long-time friends. It is a festival! I organize it regularly.
B: I love getting to know new people again and again. At parties or simply because you are waiting for the same bus. Many a chance acquaintance eventually became a friend.
C: I prefer to do a lot of what I do with friends. They help with the move, we go to sport together.
D: I think it's great that I have one or two friends that I can really rely on. Even if we don't see each other that often, they're very close to me.
EVALUATION:
The more often you have ticked a certain letter, the closer you are to one of these four need poles:
A: Structure
You love stability, planning and a certain order in things and feelings. Others are considered reliable, loyal and thorough. On the other hand, you find everything annoying, superficial or unforeseen, annoying.
B: Change
Colorful, new, exciting – you like these things. You blossom when the pace and life determine the day. You react sensitively to this when someone demands routine or thoroughness from you.
C: Closeness
Coexistence is very important to you. Friends, family, a good team. You are helpful, sensitive and interested in others. You find it difficult when others withdraw in front of you or do not respond to your relationship offers at all.
D: distance
You like inner independence as much as spending time alone. And you value honesty. You will be allergic to it if you feel disrespectful and people constantly ask you to make close and relationship gestures.
Now think of someone you find difficult and answer the questions again as you think they would.
Probably the evaluation results in a completely different structure of needs. Use this knowledge to go through your last conflicts again. Could it be that your counterpart did not want to annoy or hurt you, but only acted according to your own needs? Use this new perspective to clarify for yourself how you want to shape the future together.
You have three options for this:
• Bridge:
If the relationship is important to you, try to understand each other's deeper motivations. For this you have to deal intensively with the other. You only want that with people who are really close to you. And: don't waste energy trying to change the other. It is in vain. Others, just like you, have their reasons for being the way they are.
• Cheese bell:
Try to communicate only on the factual level. However, you also have to endure not responding to pointed comments or advances by the other person. The cheese bell is often a good solution for dealing with annoying colleagues, landlords or neighbors. If you want the other person to refrain from doing something – for example, making loud calls in the office – you can of course request this. But don't expect the other person to agree with you and to see that he "objectively" calls too loudly.
• Cabinets:
Anyone who decides to break off the contact must be consistent and also inform others, for example: "If my ex-husband comes, I'm not there." Keep your distance emotionally, because the more you get angry with each other, the more your attention ends up where you can't change anything – a constant and growing source of frustration.
Karen Zoller is a graduate psychologist and communication expert. She is the author of the guide "Difficult people. How to handle them confidently" (304 pages, 12.99 euros, rororo).