Now it’s getting serious and a bit confusing: Those who suffer from dissociative identity disorder have to deal with more than one self. Tina was diagnosed three years ago.
Barbara: Tina, you report openly about your dissociative identity disorder, for example on YouTube – why?
Tina: There is a lot of misinformation about this disorder. Films like “Split” or “Fight Club” do not contribute to the fact that DIS is properly perceived in public. I want to break down and clear up stigmas. When I got the diagnosis three years ago, it raised 1000 questions. I have familiarized myself with the topic and made explanatory videos to better understand this diagnosis myself.
What’s going on?
DID is really an absurd but completely logical disorder. Dissociating is part of normal life. You know that when driving a car, when your mind wanders: Suddenly you are further than you thought. That happens with a lot of things you do automatically. But it’s also a way for the brain to cope with life-threatening situations, especially for young children: when something traumatic happens to them, it’s beyond the brain’s processing capacity. In order not to be constantly in a panic, parts are simply disconnected and, accordingly, develop fragmented, so the dissociation becomes chronic.
And was that the case with you?
I must have experienced terrible things as a child, of which I only know fragments to this day. I can’t remember anything before my 13th birthday.
Don’t even have a clue?
Basically one can say: DID develops over years as a complex post-traumatic stress disorder, for example after long-term violence, long-term abuse, neglect, near-death experiences. It is created in early childhood – and only if there is no secure attachment figure.
How common is that?
More than you think: 0.5 to 1.5 percent of the population have the disorder, women more often than men.
But if the disorder develops so early in life, why did you just get the diagnosis?
A person with DID is not necessarily dysfunctional. In everyday life we were a highly functional system that made sure that nobody noticed anything – not even I myself. That’s why self-doubt is a problem: the brain manages to fool you into thinking that you don’t have anything! I keep making it clear to myself: DID is my reality, even if I don’t feel like it. The disorder and the underlying complex trauma problem often only become apparent when one is firmly integrated into life and has a safe environment. That was also the case for me.
How was that expressed?
Nightmares increased, although I’ve had them since I was a child, extremely realistic and very disturbing. I could endure fewer and fewer stimuli and had a constant roaring headache. I was increasingly confused, had time gaps, and no longer wanted to take part in everyday life. Then at the end of 2018 I couldn’t stay at home alone anymore, I thought I was going crazy. So I went to the clinic.
When did you first notice that something was different about you?
That took a while. I thought it was normal not to remember the weekend. I always had blackouts from Thursday to Sunday, which I put down to alcohol. But my people said I hadn’t been drinking that much. I was known as a colorful person. And I always thought my restlessness, my dissatisfaction, that was just my way.
But did you immediately believe the diagnosis?
Yes, everything was fine. Amnesia and loss of time are major indicators of DID. I have often lost hours or experienced days in tatters.
scary.
For me that was normal. And I got along just fine. I studied art therapy, worked with autistic children, made a career change as a teacher. And in class I consciously noticed a change in personality for the first time.
How did that go?
I stood at the blackboard and thought a migraine was coming, my head was getting so tight. Suddenly, like a fury, I spat at a child: “I know exactly what you just did!” That was scary. I had no idea what was coming out of my mouth, had to listen for myself. I later reconstructed that the child must have rolled his eyes and an inner person completely freaked out because she thought the child was making fun of her.
An inside person?
Yes, we are a whole system of personalities. My therapist once suggested that I ask my insides for names. My personality “Tina” was shocked who came.
Who are the others?
When I first asked, there were 13 different beings, seven were female, six male. In the beginning, I also made the YouTube videos for myself: if someone else assumes that I see it on the video. That was strange.
Who has been in front of the camera?
There’s Cory, she’s a lively 12-year-old girl who often comes forward when we want to be personable. Mack monitors all processes, keeps an eye on the escape routes, makes sure we sleep, eat, stay tidy and that we don’t watch any films that could harm us. Simon is analytical and has a strong English accent. In the inner world, Univer is a drummer in a metal band, married to Leif, a musician who is also a part of me. Already as a teenager she knew everything to do with social interaction and did it for us. Then there’s Samantha – and now that I’m talking about her, she’s there immediately, I’m getting warm, I’m starting to sweat. No other part feels the body like Samantha, a dissolute part who loves to dance, flirt, and drink. I never wanted to be like that.
How do you explain that?
All personalities are, in principle, well-wrapped traumas. When I questioned Samantha, she was only four years old. Then I ask myself further, why do I have a small childish sexual part? And then I suddenly remember that people I love very much have something to do with it. And that’s terrible. That’s what makes it so hard to communicate with inner people you don’t like – who you’re scared of and who you’re afraid of. You have a traumatic story to tell.
What role does Tina play?
She is an everyday person. Part of the system, even if she didn’t know about its existence for a long time because she used to have amnesia after a change.
That sounds confusing indeed.
That’s right, and it may even be that the people not only have different abilities, but also different illnesses or eyesight. They have different views anyway.
That must trigger internal conflicts.
Yes, but I know that the system is supposed to protect the organism – only different people have different ideas on how to handle this. Each part wants the best, even if that sometimes feels like sabotage. For example, Leif, an emotional protector, is very defensive in therapy because he doesn’t want bad things to come out. We’ll discuss that at home. It’s nerve wracking sometimes.
All parts have their say?
Anybody to talk to. A lot of people didn’t talk to me at first. So I asked the system questions and kept a kind of diary. That’s the goal of therapy: better communication in the system. That’s why we do it in English.
Why this?
English makes it easier to talk abstractly about things that are difficult to digest. There are systems of DID sufferers that develop their own internal language.
No two DIS worlds are the same?
Everyone is different in the DIS. It depends on what time and what culture you were a child in. Younger people with the diagnosis could also have cartoon characters depicted in them – that’s not possible for me.
How do you experience such a personality change?
As if you would slip inside yourself. Like stepping back from reality. However, the system behaves in such a way that the environment does not notice the switch. A change can take hours or seconds, with a high stress level it can be like ping-pong.
How do you cope with everyday life?
In my system, we work in teams that manage different life situations, with a control center further inside. “Tina” acts like a mask, the parts can switch behind her, of course, sometimes one takes over completely and the behavior is clearly different.
Can your system consciously switch to someone else?
Not so good, we’re working on it.
So many people inside – is there any room left for fellow human beings?
Yes, of course! Social context is important, but until everything is cleared up, this shouldn’t be your primary family. But you need people who support you. I was really well integrated before Corona, in the community, work, the circle of friends – but I’m super insecure in relationships. Otherwise, I am totally self-sufficient and can be good with myself. I find it easier to do everything by myself. But if you only focus on yourself, that’s not healthy either. I have to say it again: it’s not cool to have headmates like elves and the like. You don’t sit at home and have a lot of fun doing it. However, if you work at it, you can still have a happy family with DID. In any case, it is a miracle how the nervous system can help itself with DID and bear the consequences of the traumatisation, I am very grateful for that.
tina sees itself as a system in which all parts help her to master life together.