The couple's wear and tear over the years, an atmosphere of conflict that has become unbearable, adultery, new love … The reasons that can lead to a divorce are quite common, whatever the age. But whether we undergo it or take the initiative, this separation will inevitably upset our existence. How to approach it? By setting ourselves a goal: not to lose too many feathers in this crisis, so that we can then continue our journey in good conditions.
We bet on fair play
Being assailed by stormy emotions is really nothing abnormal in such circumstances: anger, resentment and even hatred for this bastard gone for another, terror in the face of a future to rebuild … So of course, great is the temptation to to fight against the "culprit", responsible for our malaise, to insult him, to cut his costumes into small pieces, why not denounce him to the taxman or tarnish his reputation. Indeed, we let off steam and take revenge by all means can seem liberating. This is where we are mistaken … "In the aftermath, certain acts of violence and excesses to which we could have let go will seem unassumable to us, underlines Virginie Megglé, psychoanalyst *. They will have damaged our image, in our own eyes and in the eyes of this man we once loved. To hurt the other is also to hurt yourself. What if we tried fair play with our future ex instead? Not for the sake of soul but rather as a gift you would give yourself: to protect yourself. "It is above all not a question of repressing your emotions, they are legitimate and have the right to exist. Otherwise, they risk consuming us from the inside, analyzes Patricia Delahaie, psychosociologist and life coach **. Just find the right ways to express them, those who will be in accordance with his personal ethics and who will not generate regrets a posteriori. This can happen by having fun on your ex with your friends or, why not, having a boxing session! "
We are looking for female solidarity
Separating from a man whose life we have shared for decades, with whom we have had children, perhaps grandchildren, is no small task. “We don't just lose a spouse but a whole context. A way of life, possibly a place to live, mutual friends, a family together. The renouncements that lie ahead are important, "comments Patricia Delahaie. Suffice to say that we need to be supported. It remains to be seen who to turn to. The friends ? Better to prepare for certain defections among them, even those of thirty years. "Some will carefully stay away, as if divorce could be contagious and contaminate their own couple," observes Virginie Megglé. Others will retreat squarely because of our demands: deeply wounded and considering ourselves the victim of a terrible injustice, we may tend to expect them to take our side a hundred percent, with the same fury as the one that drives us. What may seem excessive to them and make them flee. "If our friendly ranks get too thin, it may be time to expand our circle to new faces. People who don't know our life before, or our spouse. "At the heart of this crisis, we especially need listening and kindness, people who are not emotionally involved in our history, capable of hearing our suffering without adding fuel to the fire or judging", continues -she. A neighbor, a friend from the gym … "Solidarity between women often only requires expression. "
We take care of our children
Of course, they are adults. But that does not mean that our divorce will leave them unmoved, far from it! Their whole childhood is shaken, perhaps also their faith in a couple that lasts … "Whatever their age, every bad word that their mother speaks against their father will hit them head on, analyzes Patricia Delahaie. Because they were born of this man! They will be able to forgive certain excesses at first, when their mother will be affected by the announcement of separation. But soon enough their tolerance will wane and they will be angry with him. Virginie Megglé adds: “The temptation can be great for an injured woman to force her children to take sides with her and to cut themselves off from their father. If they let themselves go, what a pain for them to find themselves amputated from a part of themselves. And if they rebel against this manipulation, what guilt! What will happen if our children are in pain? We will be the first to collapse, because we have never endured, since they were toddlers, their tears and their sadness. So let's avoid this painful scenario from which everyone will emerge bruised. And let us pour our suffering and our anger elsewhere than in their ears. "Even if they are adults, they remain our children and we must protect them, in all circumstances," said the psychoanalyst. Including sometimes against ourselves, therefore.
We are clear about our expectations
What will become of the house bought together, the savings made by two, the furniture chosen in all complicity? The law answers us: liquidation of the matrimonial regime. Not frankly engaging as terminology… “We must at all costs avoid being influenced by the destructive connotation that this expression can convey. Let’s not use the negotiations that will surround this essential step to liquidate (symbolically) our spouse or to wipe out our past in a form of aggression, ”warns Virginie Megglé. In other words, let us beware of wanting to do it at all costs "to spit in the pelvis" to obtain a striking and stumbling repair. But beware, giving up everything – by guilt, if it is we who caused the separation, or to add misfortune to unhappiness in a very common masochistic reflex – would not be more desirable. And would leave us very helpless once calm returned. So we ask ourselves and think: what really matters to me? Being able to keep the house even if it means giving up the compensatory allowance? Keep the name of my ex-husband who has been mine for so long and that of my children? "Being clear about your expectations will allow you to assert yourself fully in the discussions, with calm and firmness," points out Patricia Delahaie. We are much more likely to reach a truly satisfactory compromise if we are not motivated by revenge but by our wants and needs. "
We look ahead
The best way to get through this ordeal without doing too much harm to yourself, to others around you and to the love you have experienced is to project yourself far ahead. Even if in the din of the present moment, there is not so much belief in a better future, let us make the effort to try to imagine it. What positive things could this separation bring me? Maybe tomorrow I will be able to… spend more time taking care of myself, finally choosing the films that I want to see at the cinema without always making concessions, getting closer to a dear friend that my husband hated, reconnecting with a passion abandoned along the way due to family obligations. “At best, we will have remained friendly in our own eyes during the crisis; at best, we will have the feeling, once the brunt of the storm has passed, that an opening is taking place within us and that our horizon is widening ", encourages Virginie Megglé. Not only will we have succeeded in limiting the damage but, in addition, we will have gained a new scale, for a new life!
* Author of Emotional harassment: love yourself without choking (ed. Eyrolles).
** Author of These loves that hurt us (ed. Marabout).
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⋙ Divorce without judge and without stress
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