Do you have Savior in Love Syndrome?

Saviors feel the irrepressible need to help others, but not necessarily for the right reasons … In love, they are those who persist in saving their partner from their wounds or their painful past, convinced of their power. change them. How to recognize them?

In a relationship, it is normal to support each other, for better or for worse. In a healthy relationship, the partner helps when asked, but also offers it for free, without expecting anything in return. But sometimes this altruism is not without ulterior motives. One of the partners devotes himself to the other in order to be recognized, to exist. This is called the "savior syndromeA narcissistic altruism that can have harmful consequences on the savior and his "saved", but also on the couple.

What is savior syndrome?

In general, people see altruism as a positive trait, so you might not see anything wrong with trying to save others. But there is a difference between helping and saving. "At first glance, the contemporary real-life savior may seem like the perfect match, but in reality he is a tragic hero." write Mary C. Lamia and Marylin J. Krieger, two Californian psychologists whose book Savior Syndrome, Ed. Eyrolles, decipher this need to help others. "Saviors not only have the will to help others, they also need to be rescued themselves. In fact, and without realizing it, saviors look for particularly poor and vulnerable partners.", they continue.

This savior syndrome is also called the codependency, now supported in family psychotherapies or self-help groups, but not yet listed as a pathology in the DSM (the American directory of mental illnesses which is a reference).

The savior in love syndrome is characterized by toxic relationships. "At the very beginning of a relationship, the savior appears benevolent and satisfied with his own selflessness, but as time passes he becomes more and more unhappy, disappointed, critical and helpless." can we read. The savior can even go so far as to manipulate, denigrate or belittle the other, the better to save him later.

Savior syndrome: the signs that should alert

Mary C. Lamia and Marylin J. Krieger highlight several signs that should alert you to your behavior:

  • At the start of your relationship, you felt idolized by your partner.
  • You are extremely careful about what you say so as not to worry or anger your partner.
  • You feel like it is your responsibility to manage your life and that of your partner.
  • You have stayed in a relationship because of guilt or worry about your partner.
  • At the start of our relationship, you saw your partner as dangerously hot.
  • Often times, you know better than your partner what is good for him.
  • People don't realize that you are extremely critical of yourself.
  • You often ignore your needs and consider only those of your partner.
  • You often feel like your partner doesn't appreciate what you do for him or her.
  • If you look back on your past relationships, you find that for the most part, you wanted to help your partner.

What are the Savior's motives?

The savior's self-esteem depends on the recognition by others of his heroic abilities. "Since this self-esteem depends on the weaknesses of the other, rather than a healthy and confident self-perception, that of the savior will always be in danger, and his relationship can only be dysfunctional" explain the two authors. The relationship is doomed to failure since the well-being of the savior is linked to maintaining the fragility and vulnerability of his partner.

This constant need to help others is not just pure empathy or generosity. It also reflects a desire for power, for hidden power. Feeling indispensable to the well-being of loved ones can satisfy a need of recognition and one certain narcissistic. "The Savior's motivations and expectations reflect his most intimate conflicts and often include a desire to feel strong, needed, worthy of concern and secure." Authors abound.

How to get out of the savior syndrome?

To free yourself from this codependency, the best is to start turning to the relationship you have with yourself to achieve introspection.

  • In realize. If you keep repeating the same pattern over and over, try to understand why you are always trying to save your partners. To take a step back, you must observe and assess your role in the relationship and find out what your real needs and desires are.
  • Work theself esteem. This step is essential to free yourself from the savior syndrome. You have to break away from the constant search for love and validation and accept your own hurts, your own needs. Healthy self-esteem (which is not dependent on others) will empower you to be genuine, honest, and empowered.
  • Seek professional help. To begin this change and this introspection, the help of a psychologist or therapist is recommended.

    See also: What is the Cinderella Complex?

    Video by Loïcia Fouillen