Being demisexual would be to feel sexual attraction for the other only if and only if an emotional attraction is created. Real or fictitious sexual orientation? In any case, it poses a question.
Asexuality, sapiosexuality, demisexuality … It is not always easy to identify with sexual orientations which, until now, were little or not named. These privacy labels also raise questions: do we absolutely have to put our desires for each other in boxes? And should we put all the orientations on the same level? One thing is certain: many media have used the term “demisexuality” in their articles. However, critics are emerging, especially via tags and messages on social networks, who claim that no, demisexuality is not based on any reality. For others, this label obscures other very real and often discriminated sexualities, such as homosexuality and bisexuality. Let’s take stock of demisexuality, where notions such as romanticism, emotions, love, relationships with others and even desire come together.
What does the term demisexual mean?
It was in 2008 that the term demisexual was used for the first time by the Network for the Education and the Visibility of Asexuality (AVA), but it took a few years for it to be shared by the largest number. To put it simply, demisexuality is part of the spectrum of asexuality (the fact of not feeling sexual attraction). It encompasses people who cannot be sexually attracted to someone they have no feelings for; emotional attachment then enters the heart of physical relationships.
According to the Asexuality Archive, which intends to offer a complete and uncensored take on what asexuality is in general, "A demisexual does not experience sexual attraction unless they have already formed a strong emotional bond with the person. This bond may or may not be romantic in nature. Please note that there is a difference between demisexuality. , which involves attraction, and 'I don't have sex unless I love someone,' which relates to behavior. " Among demisexual people, there is a “subcategory”, which declares that they cannot orgasm with the other without love. In all cases, the social consequences described point to deep stress. "I would step aside and give up being sociable for fear of being the object of romantic or sexual pressure from others. (…) When someone showed interest in me, I was filled with anxiety, which kept me from dating or flirting with anyone when that happened. ", explains a user of Reddit, relayed by The Independent. Another testimony on the platform evokes a misunderstanding and even contempt when we do not comply with the culture of "one night stand" or "of the kiss exchanged after five minutes".
But in demisexuality, we must not believe that there is little sexuality for all that. The subitiation of the term is located at the level of the practice of sex. “The length of time it takes to develop an emotional bond can vary, we read on the Demisexuality Resource Center site. For some demisexuals it is after several years of friendship with someone, and for others it can be a short but intense experience, like traveling abroad for a week with a .e friend ". Interviewed by Glamor UK in 2017, Nikki Goldstein, sex therapist, explains that the Demisexuality is an emotional connection to someone. It might seem obvious, because most of us need that famous emotional connection to be sexually or sentimentally attracted. Demisexuals really need to develop the emotional connection in the first place. to feel any sexual connection ".
Demisexuality, an interesting concept in 2021
Why criticize the notion of demisexuality? The problem lies first with the name itself, more than with the orientation. The word "half" is indeed viewed pejoratively by society, so to say that you are a demisexual could be seen as a break in sexuality. However, demisexuality opens the field of possibilities in our way of understanding our sexuality, a revolution compared to past generations. The concept also makes it possible to say no to the injunction of sex all the time, with anyone. It remains little studied at present.
"It's a new notion, there are no scientific bases so it's difficult to have real expertise on demisexuality", explains Maïté Tranzer, clinical psychologist in full transparency. Many new names in terms of sexuality are emerging. We see here a need for identification, to be able to 'identify with…'. And so, to have more clairvoyance about your own identity and not always be affiliated with a 'sexual norm'. " Rather positive, therefore, even if the struggles of LGBTQI + communities, still seriously stigmatized for their gender and / or sexual orientation, should not be made invisible. "It must be remembered that sexuality is progressive", adds Maïté Tranzer. And that there are many sexualities. If the term demisexuality helps people find theirs more serenely, without making legitimate struggles invisible, the debate is no longer necessary.