Domestic violence during pregnancy: testimony

Emilie was the victim of domestic violence during the pregnancy of her son, now 4 years old. She tells us about the hell she went through, to alert on the subject.

In 2019, 146 women were killed by their spouses, according to a report unveiled by the Ministry of the Interior, and 142,310 people of all sexes were victims of domestic violence. Underestimated figures according to associations, since many affected people are silent about their suffering. In 2020, this scourge unfortunately intensified due to containment. The 3919 saw a dramatic increase in calls, and law enforcement responded 44% more in family disputes.

Domestic violence can start at any time, even during pregnancy. During the Violence against women and health seminar in 2014, a survey carried out at the Nantes University Hospital already confirmed that 20% of pregnant women were victims. In some cases, physical and psychological violence can be triggered by the arrival of a child. Emilie, 26, mother of a 4-year-old boy, was the victim of domestic violence throughout her pregnancy. Today she gives us her testimony to alert people, but also to show women that we can get out of this.

Testimony

“The arrival of this baby was a surprise. I hadn't been with the dad for very long when I got pregnant.

I suffered domestic violence from her from 3/4 months of pregnancy until my delivery, both physically and psychologically. There had already been signs before that that could have alerted me, but which I did not see. We often don't realize it until after. These were tantrums or manipulation by playing on guilt, bullying. He was blowing hot and cold and could tell me I love you or I hate you, you are ugly, you are beautiful, etc. His goal was to sow doubt and bring me under his control.

During my pregnancy, the attacks were mixed with death threats of type "I'm going to drink your blood" or "I will kill anyone for my son even if it's you", physical beatings under any pretext to the point of having large closets of bruises. But also humiliations asking me to redo dishes or cleaning, intimidation by standing over my head with a pot of boiling water for example, I have many other examples… There was always a “reason” for these acts, but they were futile reasons.

I kept silent about this violence like many women in this case, mainly out of fear and the psychological hold of my torturer.

Read also: Violence against children: how to protect them during confinement?

Save his life and that of the child

A few days after a passage of rare violence, I told a friend about it by text message, pretending to go to the pharmacy and asked her to keep all the photos of my injuries in a safe place. She wanted to help me out and I thank her again today.

Two days after my return from maternity, I opened the door to two police officers to arrest my ex-companion accused in a criminal case for acts of rape committed under the threat of a weapon the same evening of the birth of our son. . Feeling safe because of his pre-trial detention, I decided to file a complaint at that point with the help of my twin brother.

There followed all the psychologically heavy legal procedures, hearings with officers of the judicial police, lawyers, forensic medicine which will put me 30 days of ITT in the criminal sense and so on … while assuming my new role of mom as best I could. In these situations, you learn to manage everything, because you have no choice.

On the legal side, my executioner was sentenced to 2 years, including 1 year firm and 1 year suspended with a two-year probation upon immediate appearance.

I was also given a protection order to protect me and my son.

He was also sentenced to 3 months for non-compliance with this protection order and lost the exercise of his parental authority. As for the other facts, the Assize Court will be held on November 26 and 27, 2020 at the courthouse in Lyon.

Support and help victims

I wanted to testify in order to open my eyes to all these women still under the influence who suffer the blows in silence, out of shame, fear or love that we must leave and that the best will be offered to them behind.
Leaving this situation will save them from an unfortunate end, but it will certainly save their children and others. It’s extremely difficult to leave, but not impossible.

I want to alert public opinion to what to do with victims of domestic violence, supporting them can be difficult for those around them who often feel helpless and do not understand.
Relatives play a crucial role in reconstruction. We do not always understand why the victim stayed, why she killed herself. Just one "I believe you, I don't judge you and I will help you" is enough… In this situation, it is indeed important that the victim is well surrounded. If it needs to, it can also turn to associations that will support it even at the administrative level.

In addition, I think that we must sensitize the health services on the attitudes to adopt in order to detect the signs of this violence, create a relationship of trust and encourage these women to break the silence by asking the right questions. My first gynecologist saw the first bruises, but didn't question me any more when I claimed to have hit myself. Today, I think to myself that if the doctor had insisted a little, maybe I could have talked to him about it. I have since changed clinics.

We should also recall the importance of the role of judicial police officers and gendarmes in taking into account the filing of complaints. Indeed, many women have been denied this right and encouraged to install simple handrails, which can put them in serious danger. Welcoming these victims is essential for their safety.

Also, don't hesitate to call 3919 in case of doubt, whether it is for your neighbor, friend, sister, daughter, colleague at work, it can happen to anyone, even to the woman who proclaims loud and clear that "the first to raise his hand over me was not born ”, regardless of his skin color, religion and social class. It is better to alert for nothing than to say nothing in doubt.

If you are a victim of violence yourself, speak up. Whether it's a friend, a doctor, an association … Moreover, if you are pregnant, do not tell yourself that once the child is born, everything will be fine. I'm telling you: no, it won't get better afterwards, it will be even worse. I've been in this situation and I know it's not that simple, but there are ways out of it. It is important to also clarify that it is not forbidden to flee despite confinement, on the contrary. Never hesitate to leave, for your physical integrity, that of your child, but also that of others. We must not wait for the worst to get out of it and denounce these acts.

Today, I want my story to be useful and heard to make even one of all these women aware thatwe can get by. "

Numbers to contact if you are a victim of domestic violence

  • 3919 – Violence woman info
  • 17 – police help
  • 112 – European emergency number
  • 114 – to alert via a message
  • Website government to alert online: Stop the violence