Don't apologize – a field report

Experience report
Wife refrains from apologizing for a week – and that's how it went

Most people (especially women) justify and apologize to others far more often than they need to. In theory, justifications are appropriate when our actions are perceived as unjust, and excuses are more appropriate when we have hurt someone. The fact that we often explain and apologize in other situations in which it is not actually necessary is often an expression of an excessive fear that others might resent us or dislike something. This, in turn, is a result of a lack of self-confidence – with which almost all people have their experiences …

According to her own statements, editor Erica Gerald Mason also belongs to the group of people who are constantly, i. H. too often, sorry. An example: Once a service staff in the restaurant poured a cola over her clothes, whereupon Erica apologized to her for asking for extra napkins. Yes exactly. In order to do something about her apologitis, Erica decided to completely refrain from apologizing for a week – a kind of cold withdrawal. In the online portal "Byrdie" she describes how it went.

Choppy start

After she failed on the first attempt on the first day (a Monday, of course) (when she asked the supermarket employee about her favorite cereal, she apologized several times for interrupting her work), Erica started run two on a Sunday – and relived the most dangerous situation of the day while shopping: a bug in her supermarket app forced her to consult the cashier. "I suppressed my urge to apologize and said, 'Hey, good morning? Afternoon? Um, is the app broken? I can't access my credit card.'" When the clerk suggested that she just use her physical card, if she had it, it would have been even more difficult for Erica to suppress the "sorry", but she made it – and instead thanked her with the comment "how embarrassing" for her patience. And the cashier replied with a friendly smile.

Day one was over. And nobody was mad at Erica.

Runs by Erica

Fortunately, the following Monday didn't even embarrass her about wanting to apologize. Only on day three did a situation arise again in which she would normally have apologized: A colleague sent her a link that did not lead to the desired destination, a webinar. Instead of apologizing for her inattentiveness, as usual, she simply texted him briefly "the zoom link does not work" and within a few seconds received the correct link accompanied by a nice, relaxed saying. Again no disaster, again no newfound enemies. And half of the experiment was almost successfully over. But then came day four, Wednesday.

Justified (?) Doubts arise

Erica had a call from her home office that day. First the connection was broken three times, then her neighbors went out with the dogs and it was: SO. CORRECT. ACCORDING TO.

You can imagine the situation – and understand how difficult it must have been for Erica not to apologize for it. But she stayed "clean". Even if at the end of the day she didn't let go of the feeling that an apology would have been appropriate …

A reason to be proud

On Thursday, Erica faced a challenge among friends: A Facebook friend had posted a meme in which she expressed the hope that after all the events and protests for changes towards a fairer world (Black Lives Matter), normality would soon return to normal to be able to. Erica confronted her and wrote her that something else was normal for her (as a black woman) than for the acquaintance – without apologizing. Her Facebook friend responded with an insightful private message to Erica – who successfully checked day five of her experiment with a feeling of pride.

An important finding

On Friday, Erica received a message that made her forget about her experiment for a moment: A distant family member had come into contact with the coronavirus and shortly afterwards met her direct relatives, such as her parents. On the phone with her mother, Erica said: "I'm sorry that you have to worry about this. Avoid contacts until he has his result. And contact me if you feel sick, okay?"

It was only after hanging up that Erica realized that, strictly speaking, she had relapsed with this "I'm sorry" – but also realized that in this case she had uttered a different kind of apology. It wasn’t an excuse to belittle herself and solicit sympathy – it was an excuse she used your Sympathy and her Expressed compassion for her mother. "In a personal struggle we can signal empathy with a 'sorry' and tell the other person 'I see your pain and hate it for you'", the author puts it. Unless we throw "I am sorry" and excuses around us that the words lose their meaning – and we can no longer really feel them in the important moments.

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