Emotionally bypassing
3 signs you’re avoiding your feelings instead of feeling them
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In difficult situations, there is a fine line between allowing and processing negative feelings or simply avoiding them. The latter is called emotional bypassing.
“You have to think positively, then everything will fall into place” – we know these and similar sayings toxic positivity. Because instead of allowing negative feelings to exist and being able to process and ultimately deal with them, we are just supposed to see everything in a pretty rose-colored way. The fact that this doesn’t help us much in the long term, but rather makes things even more difficult for us, is a truth that many “Good Vibes Only” representatives don’t want to see. Because if we repress feelings, they are very likely to come back at the most inopportune time.
The tendency not to want to acknowledge and process one’s own feelings, especially negative ones, but rather to avoid them in a nice way is called “emotional bypassing”. The line between healthy optimism and avoiding difficult emotions is often thin. Because of course we don’t want to and shouldn’t wallow in fear, anger or sadness without ever finding a way out. But that’s exactly the problem: As a rule, we first have to go through the feelings before we can leave them behind us.
These signs indicate that you are avoiding unpleasant emotions rather than feeling and processing them.
3 Warning Signs of Emotional Bypassing
1. You constantly distract yourself
Of course, it’s okay to do something good for yourself when you’re feeling bad. Watching your favorite series, going out to party with a friend or doing sports, for example. It becomes problematic when you immediately resort to some kind of antidote for every negative feeling. Ultimately, emotions like fear or sadness don’t just disappear just because we don’t deal with them. Maybe you can find a way to pause in difficult situations and take time to acknowledge your feelings before resorting to coping strategies.
2. You don’t feel connected
If we don’t manage to really feel our emotions and let them be there, we automatically build a wall. This wall can keep us from feeling connected – both to ourselves and to others. Because if we prefer to push away our unpleasant feelings rather than deal with them, the same can easily happen to the positive ones too. We may then appear cold and distant, and those around us may find it difficult to establish a connection with us. This can leave us feeling isolated.
3. You rationalize
Another typical coping strategy is rationalizing difficult feelings. This could happen after a breakup. For example, you were unexpectedly left by your partner, and instead of allowing the sadness, despair, anger and perhaps even the lack of understanding, you try to sugarcoat the situation: He wasn’t right for you anyway, you can finally go on the trips you like and so forth. Basically, it can of course help to find small rays of hope in a difficult situation that make it easier for you to cope. But often this happens at the expense of feeling the actual emotions. And unfortunately we have to do that if we really want to process what we have experienced.
Do you feel like you’re unable to acknowledge your emotions and process them in a healthy way? Talk to your doctor or therapist about this. Together you will surely find strategies for dealing with your feelings in a healthy way.
Sources used: psychologytoday.com, instagram.com/dissociativedyadreamer, medium.com, mindful.org