Our author is convinced that compassion is a skill that makes our world a better place. She would love to introduce empathy as a school subject, but until then she has collected a few ideas on how we can teach our children to be understanding and empathetic people in the same way.
Outbursts of anger over a shovel or slice of bread, tantrums over perceived trivialities in the smaller children, nagging and freaking out in the older children. At some point every parent asks himself: Is that still okay? Have we produced a narcissist? How do we turn the small chunk of anger into an empathetic person? We have collected here once how to support children in their development and, above all, how to strengthen their abilities for compassion and empathy.
Empathy, what is that anyway?
In a nutshell: empathy is the ability to recognize what is going on in another. There are different models of how empathy is composed. The best known is Davis’ Interpersonal Reactivity Index, which states that the following skills make us empathetic:
- Through perspective takeover we are able to take and understand the perspective of others.
- The Ability to have feelings for othersi.e. loving other people, caring for them or being happy for them – i.e. being compassionate.
- Personal Concern: Empathizing and empathizing with others when they have bad or negative experiences. We feel uncomfortable, anxious or stressed about ourselves
- We can the Sharing, empathizing and identifying with the feelings of fictional characters.
Why is empathy so important to us?
Basically, it’s very simple: Healthy, social interaction, stable relationships at eye level, appreciative, loyal friendships and the ability to work in a team only work if we act empathetically. If we can’t do that, it will be difficult. Compassion, understanding, support – all these qualities are based on empathy. But not only that, healthy arguing, constructive criticism and also accepting the limits of others are based on showing empathy for our counterpart. The foundation for this is already laid in childhood – in the sandpit, on the climbing frame, in role-playing games in daycare. Sometimes it’s not so easy to back down, to agree with others or to apologize for unfair behavior.
From me, me, me to me, you, we
When we are born, it is first about bare survival. But between the ages of three and four, our mirror neurons are sufficiently developed that we can understand the feelings and actions of others. The foundation stone has been laid and now it’s time to train. Unfortunately, empathy also has to be practiced until it is firmly anchored in our system. Here comes the training plan for parents and children.
#1 Be a role model
We parents are the closest reference persons for our children and, of course, role models. We should therefore not only be empathetic towards our children, but also towards our fellow human beings. That means: whether we are interested in others, how we deal with their worries and fears, whether we talk about feelings, help each other and also whether we get involved. It is therefore all the more important to take a look at yourself, to question your own patterns and to see whether you are really kind to yourself and your surroundings. It certainly doesn’t always work, but self-reflection is always the first step.
#2 Go at eye level
Unconditional trust in the parents’ love and the certainty that we are there for them with open ears and arms when they have worries and problems makes our children strong. And that is especially successful when they feel that they are being taken seriously and seen. So when we listen to what our children have to say to us, perceive them and their needs just like our own, are in contact with each other instead of about each other and exchange ideas without taboos, but of course in an age-appropriate way, then a close and deep relationship arises Relationship in which all family members are equal. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t set limits, but just in such a way that they are comprehensible and understandable for everyone. It starts very simply with the language we use and how we say something.
#3 Time together
It sounds simple, but it often gets lost in everyday life: actively spending time together. Mobile phone aside, TV and laptop off and really deal with each other. This not only expresses appreciation, but also offers space for exchange and discussions. Above all, interest in the things that are important to the child creates a connection. And what we should give our children on their way: You are exactly right and good the way you are.
#4 Learning Feelings
Dealing with their own feelings is already a difficult learning process for children. Anger, sadness, shame and fear are emotions that you have to learn to deal with first. So just because a child isn’t empathetic to others doesn’t mean they aren’t empathetic. But only when children learn to recognize and control their own feelings can they be more empathetic towards others. We can support them in this learning process by encouraging them to talk about feelings and to give them a name at first. After all, a child who feels anger for the first time doesn’t know what that grumpy feeling in their stomach is. Conflict situations can also be discussed and trained in this way: Who felt how and why? Practicing naming feelings and actively listening also helps to better understand others.
#5 Write a diary together
A ritual that is not only good for our children, but also for ourselves: write down together every evening what was particularly great about the day. This is not only a nice ritual to end the day as a family, but also trains the eye for the positive. Different questions can be answered, for example:
- “What was the best thing about your day today? What was the hardest thing?”
- “What do you want to do more/less of tomorrow?”
- “What did you achieve today that made you happy?”
- “What good did someone do for you today? What good did you do for others?”
- “What have you done for yourself today?”
- “What are you thankful for today?”
It doesn’t have to be a big thing, and even if the answers are repeated every day, it doesn’t matter. Even dealing with the good things that happened to you that day directs our gaze in a different direction.
#6 Strengthen a sense of community
We learn social skills most easily when dealing with others, both in friendly interactions and in conflict situations. So everything we experience in communities increases our sense of others. This can be a team sport, a hobby practiced in a group, a joint project, something charitable. Anyone who supports their child here, for example to take part in community projects, strengthens the social skills of their offspring across the board.
#7 Family Council
Empathy is always about the balance between your own needs and those of others and about mutual respect. You can also practice this within the family at regular family councils. For example, the family can get together to discuss conflicts, weekly routines or wishes.
#8 Emotion Control Through Mindfulness
We know that feelings simply roll over us and that we feel at the mercy of them. So you can really imagine how our children feel. You have to learn how to gain and keep the upper hand over your feelings. Breathing exercises in particular help to calm down the emotional storm. It is best to train these in relaxed situations so that you can call them up when anger is making its way. It is also important to learn from an early age to take care of your own well-being and to be careful with yourself. Our job as parents is to support our children and take them seriously.
#9 Practice, practice, practice
It’s all a matter of practice. The more often we use empathic behavior, the more it solidifies in us. So it’s also for our children: train! There has often been discussion about including emotional education as a school subject. In many situations, that would certainly make a lot more sense than knowing physical equations that you can always look up anyway, the ability to strut across a bar or discuss curves.