Esra Karyagdi: Why it's worth waiting for sex

As the make-up artist and influencer Ezra (today 29) met her fiance Chris on the internet, the two were 19 and 24 years old. At their first meeting it was love for both of them at first sight. But until that date alone, Esra had kept her boyfriend waiting for five years, and it took another three years for the two to have their first sexual experiences. It was only with her engagement that it came for the first time for Esra.

Esra spoke to BRIGITTE.de about why she wanted to wait so long with her first time and how her boyfriend responded to this request.

Dear Ezra, that you let someone fidget for a few weeks you know, but 5 years? How did that happen?

Esra Karyagdi: It always sounds a bit strange, but that was due to the circumstances. Chris and I met on Facebook, we both commented on the wall of a friend we shared at the time and got into a heated discussion. If a stranger contacts you, you are of course skeptical. In addition, this acquaintance made us feel bad about each other, because she was interested in Chris herself. That was really bad and that's why I was more distant again. In between, he also had a relationship with another woman. At some point it broke and one day he congratulated me on Facebook for my birthday. So we got in touch again. When the ice finally broke, I realized what kind of person Chris is and that my supposed girlfriend told us a lot of crap.

That was an exciting start …

Oh yeah! I also got a very conservative, religious but also feminist upbringing as an adolescent, especially from my grandmother. She always said: "Ezra, there are men like sand at the sea. First of all, see that you stand on both feet in life and do what your heart beats for. Do your career or travel a lot whatever you want if you are self-employed are enough, one day the man of your dreams will knock. Good things take time and so … ". After that I lived. I was always very focused on school, job and career, what I want to do with my life. I was never very interested in men or relationships.

But one day you got to know each other personally. How was it?

We had regular exchanges, built trust, exchanged numbers and made calls. Nevertheless, we were both still skeptical and were unsure of what it would be like at a personal meeting. What if I don't like him as much as the photos, my thoughts were there. At that time I was still living in Bavaria and he was in NRW, so we still had half of Germany between us. Back then, as a young woman, I didn't have as much freedom, for example, I wasn't allowed to go out late at night. Up to the age of 17 I was not allowed to have a boyfriend or to spend the night with friends. So I said to him: "If you want to get to know me, you have to come to me". One day Chris was at my doorstep, taking a hotel for a weekend. In retrospect, we also thought: "Why did we wait so long with this meeting?" But you are rather careful at the beginning.

How long did it take after this meeting to consider yourself a couple?

That was pretty quick. We went out twice this weekend and on the second evening there was already the first kiss – in that respect we were brisk. We both felt that we are a couple now. It was the same for both of us, the butterflies and this tingling intensified with every moment, we also told both families directly.

With the love for a person usually the desire for intimacy arises. How did it come about that despite your strong feelings for each other, you waited three years for your first time?

It has to do with my personal experience. I have experienced bullying, bodyshaming and discrimination, which is why I talk about it regularly on Instagram to create a space where you can find self-love and leave such negative influences behind. Today, as an adult / independent woman, I know how important self-love is that bodyshaming and bullying have had a negative impact on me, which is why I was very reserved and careful when I first had sexual contact. I used to be extremely insecure about my body.

Your eating disorder made matters worse.

Right … I hadn't finished with my eating disorder – my anorexia – long before, which I also report on my Instagram blog about the intense aftermath of this. Then there is the conservative educational bubble. In my culture, it is unfortunately still partly celebrated that women have to protect their virginity like a delicate blossom. This is treated like a sanctuary, something very special that increases your supposed value. I have rarely or never seen men do this, except for my brother. My mother spoke to him as I did. I rejected this construct of virginity and I thought to myself when I was a teenager: "To be honest, I don't care – I decide for myself and decide when, with whom and how often I want to have sex".

You also experienced great pressure from your friends.

Unfortunately, there was and is a lot of pressure among young people to have to do certain things to be cool and to belong. I remember exactly how a friend panicked to tell me that she had to have the pill quickly because her boyfriend told her that if she didn't want to sleep with him, she obviously didn't love him. This is crazy. I've heard comments like, "Man Esra, don't you even want to meet XY and get it over with?" That really annoyed me and was very hurtful. I couldn't understand why I should get sex over with? All of these factors ultimately led to me saying: "No. I decide that for myself. I don't care whether I'm frigid or uptight for you. I have the courage to decide when it should be "This is my body and I decide when I feel ready to take intimate steps". I didn't want to bow to this group dynamic, but that's exactly what excluded me from a lot of activities. Just as I was no longer able to have a say on certain topics, when I was 16 it was really not easy. Nevertheless:

My body, my choice. It is so incredibly important to convey that.

With this attitude you encountered a lot of misunderstanding.

Yes, many men couldn't understand that. There were already some who were interested, but as soon as I said: You, I don't want to go swimming or going to the sauna with you on the first date, it was over. One wonders: Do you really only want to see my body or do you happen to be also about my personality?

How did your friend react when you told him about your decision?

It was very different with Chris. Of course, he was already sexually active and had his first experiences in the classic way as a teenager. It was normal for him. It was rather abnormal for me to put a "stop" on him. But I also told him before our first date: "Chris, honestly, I am not one of the kind you get to know, after a week or two you end up in bed with her, then you are two or three months away with her and then again it's ciao, cocoa. My goal is to find a partner that I love, respect and respect, and who brings me exactly the same thing – no more and no less. " I also don't want other women to feel attacked by my statement, because for some people this lifestyle may be the right one – but for me it wasn't. At the beginning, I don't think Chris took it full and thought that I wanted to play myself up or make myself rare.

But this was not so.

Yes, he quickly noticed that I was like that and that nothing was played. When we were dancing and my hand slipped towards the bottom, I let it go, but when it went on I said very clearly: Stop. After the first three or four months of our relationship, he understood and fully respected that. Once he asked what my reasons for this decision were. When I explained myself to him, I said: "I am convinced that if you honestly love me, if it is about my character, my personality, then the sexual will not bother you anymore. And if not, then it is also okay, then we just weren't made for each other. ”He took this up and said: No, he was not an animal and he could control and control himself, that was not an existential necessity and so accepted it.

That was certainly not easy for him, because the desire for intimacy with someone you love is also natural.

Sure, but we felt the intimacy on a completely different level. We didn't have sex, but we cuddled, caressed and kissed. This tender exchange already existed. We also had countless conversations with a great deal of depth, which is not always easy. I think physically undressing and having sex is often easier than a soul striptease.

Did this time also help you to accept your body positively, to which you also had a difficult relationship because of your eating disorder?

In any case. The reaction, understanding and respect from Chris helped me a lot. It was the first time for me that a person who means a lot to me respected the limit I set. Before that, I had the experience that when I about this limit "I don't want to have sex", for which I received criticism. Or when I lost weight, there was bashing that I would look like a skeleton. I have always felt that limits that are set are not respected. With Chris it was exactly the opposite. His appreciation has brought me a lot of relaxation and freedom. At some point I started to dress in a form-fitting way and went out to buy sexy underwear. Not because my boyfriend likes it, but because I wanted to do nice laundry and wanted to feel sexy. This more relaxed perception of my body has done me a lot of good and has given me great support in my sexual development. The topic of masturbation only became an issue for me because Chris had encouraged me to do it. I first had to process all this rejection in order to be able to accept and perceive myself positively. I can't think of a better partner than Chris for me.

Now your relationship has developed so well that you are now even engaged. How was the marriage proposal?

In 2018 Chris made my application in Paris. I've always wanted to go to Disneyland (little childhood dream) and Chris organized a trip there for us. In a subway shaft to the Louvre, which I also wanted to see, there was a boy who played the violin, which he had accompanied with a sound box. The music reverberated through the subway shaft, which made the acoustics simply magical. We listened to him briefly and wanted to continue to the Louvre, when Chris spontaneously got on his knees and asked me. I was so perplexed, but it was perfect for both of us!

And with the engagement this barrier of intimacy also fell for you, right?

Exactly, we had been living together for a little over a year before, had this normal living together in everyday life and found each other even closer. Before that, we had our long-distance relationship for 2 1/2 years. I have heard many times that many couples who previously had a long-distance relationship do not live together. When you live together, you only discover which corners and edges each other has. Through our engagement it became clear: This will be my husband, I will be his wife. We then made the wedding promise that is common in Turkish cultures, which makes the relationship more official and gives it a higher priority for families with regard to serious intentions. After that, our families, one Turkish / Islamic, the other German / Catholic, dropped their reservations about our relationship.

Has your relationship with intimacy changed?

No not at all. It's like a bonus. Together we have rediscovered our sexuality. Chris once said that waiting had a strong effect on him and his body. In his perception, the status of sex in a relationship has changed. He would have wanted the kind of connection that makes our relationship for us the first time. He has no regrets or anything like that, but he would have liked this depth. It is a completely different dimension. That's why the first time with Chris was a pretty blatant and intense situation for me. The feelings overwhelmed me. Not only because the body feels an orgasm for the first time, but because this orgasmic wave goes along with these emotional connections. You are having sex with this person whom you love above all with whom you want to grow old. This is a completely different context, which makes this sex even hotter and sharper, because you can let yourself go completely differently and try it out, like when you are brazen or under pressure.

Why did you choose to speak openly about your experience with the first time?

I would particularly like to encourage young people to go their own way and pay attention to what they want. I have often heard that I should not keep Chris waiting long, that he is a handsome man and that he would certainly not wait for me forever. That pissed me off. What is that statement? As if a man defines himself only over sexual needs. Since when have men who want to have a steady relationship run away when they don't get what they want? You have to let that melt in your mouth. "As soon as he doesn't get what he wants, he'll run away." Then I thought: What's this about? Who are you that you can take out a judgment? This is a negative imprint and I find it horrible when you approach such an important topic in such a negative way that you should approach it with empathy. I would never dare to slap such a remark on a friend's head. Everyone has their own time and personal rhythm. Back then I lacked the courage to tell my friends what I thought of their sayings. At the end of 20 I see it differently: I should have clearly rejected comments like this. I think it is important to find your voice and use that voice to stand up for others and speak for those who are not yet broad – no matter how long it takes to find that voice.

If you look back today – would you go the same way again or would you do something different?

No, I think I would go the same way again. The wait, the way we moved in together, this screening out of negative influences from my life – with regard to my relationship and how I manage it today, I can say: I have no regrets. Everything is exactly as it should be and I am very happy with how it all came. I would like everyone to do the same. Simply to be able to say: I have no regrets, everything was as I wanted it to be.

Dear Esra, thank you very much for this open discussion and you and Chris all the best for your future!

You can find out more about Esra on her Instagram account ms_esrita. All stories of our power women can be found on our Instagram channel – have a look!