Is it the lockdown that makes us a bit subliminally aggressive towards our own partner? “That is possible,” says gestalt therapist and coach Johanna Fröhlich Zapat. “Because we feel the little injustices of everyday life much more strongly than usual in these times.” A conversation about self-care, roles and everyday feminism.
BARBARA: Johanna, you give coaching on the subject of everyday feminism. That sounds like a gender battle in the marriage bed and somehow exhausting …
Johanna: (laughs): Feminism sounds exhausting and aggressive to a lot of people, like a movement that is hostile to men or something. There is basically no such thing as “feminism”. What we mean by that is actually a very complex structure of ideas, some of which even contradict each other. The main question is: Who am I when I break up the classic role models, i.e. take a closer look at what we as men or women find normal in our gender role and whether we really want it for ourselves personally.
For example, that women stay at home after the child is born and men work full-time?
Yes, things like that. Whereby it's not about turning the tables and saying: “Hey, because I'm a feminist, you stay at home now, man, and I'll go to work.” It's more of a questioning: Is this what we want? So, you and me as people and not you and me as a man or woman, because men and women usually divide it up like that. It is always good to be aware that decisions have consequences. If a woman only takes one year of parental leave and then works part-time for many years, this leads, for example, to poorer career opportunities, lower pension points and a tax disadvantage for the woman. Unfortunately, we are currently still living in structures that are hostile to women.
So you have to work fifty-fifty to make it fair? Or can these structures be balanced out at home?
Yes, you can partially compensate for that. And you should definitely do this if, above all, a partner takes over the unpaid care work at home, which currently still mostly applies to the woman in the house. Unfortunately, financial dependency quickly leads to emotional dependency, and that doesn't feel good for either side. Wouldn't it be much better to clarify and divide up the financial issues and household responsibilities in a marriage in such a way that both of them could look after themselves independently of each other? Also and especially in old age? I think that if you can freely choose each other again and again, without fear, then at some point alone with a mini pension or standing in front of a dirty sink without cleaning experience, that has something magical.
That means the good old marriage contract could be more romantic than we think?
Definitely! It is never wrong for love when both are aware and also contractually record what they are doing for each other and how the financial means and the tasks can be distributed fairly. Prevention is the best remedy for frustration in old age.
How can I tell that my relationship is somehow not quite fair?
Anger is always a very good indicator. If I am subliminally or openly angry at my partner, then it usually has to do with an imbalance in everyday life. For some, it's not anger at all, but rather the feeling of not being able to get everything under one roof. Many of the women who come to me want everything, and most importantly, everything at the same time. They want to be Bullerbü mothers, have a career, give full power everywhere and then stay in a good mood. Women are under enormous social pressure.
So women want too much?
Yes, that's a good thing. But please also what you really want from the bottom of your heart. I think that women have learned to expect what belongs to the role as a woman. And so it happens that many women want too much at the same time and therefore run the risk of burning out or becoming dissatisfied. Care work, for example, taking care of children, household chores, relationships and so on, takes a lot of time, is monotonous and is often a bit boring. To do this work, it takes an almost meditative attitude. Anyone who tries to clear out the dishwasher while quickly typing an email can quickly burn out. Especially when political framework conditions make it difficult for both partners to be compatible and parenthood equally. Of course you can expect a lot from life, but you also have to see the limits of feasibility and appreciate all this unpaid work you do more and share it fairly. It is important to be aware of what you are doing every day.
Unpaid.
Correct, unpaid outside of the job. In order to make visible what many women are doing with all this care work, I worked with Dr. Florian Ruland developed the care calculator, a tool with which you can calculate what you would actually have earned if all this overtime were paid.
Then to write the partner an invoice?
(laughs) Well, that's not how the computer is meant. Rather, it should help to create awareness and yes, sometimes to talk about money. Because let's be realistic, every third marriage is divorced. Even with couples for whom money is hardly an issue in the relationship, there will be a rude awakening at the latest when they break up, when one has earned well while the other has his back. You can prevent this rude awakening by talking about tax advantages, retirement provisions and the value of unpaid activities in the family and, in the best case, finding fair solutions. The care calculator is intended to stimulate this.
Is the pandemic really a good time for such topics? It's all exhausting enough …
That's true. And that's exactly why it's not a bad time, but the perfect time. In these times, all the everyday little injustices come to the fore even more than usual, because the family microcosm is a much larger part of our lives than usual. There are also tasks such as homeschooling, daily cooking and all-day childcare. A conversation about the division of tasks, about privileges or unpaid and paid work can do something wonderful, namely appreciation and gratitude.
So it's not all about money at all?
It's about an attitude. If both partners know and appreciate what the other is doing and openly show their gratitude to each other, then a nurturing environment is created in which everyone grows well and in which the children also learn to be loving with one another. An honest thank you pays into the emotional account and that is just as important as the account in the bank.
© Johanna Fröhlich Zapata
Johanna Fröhlich Zapata, 32 years old, is a medical anthropologist, therapist and Berliner by choice. She founded Everyday Feminism® to accompany women on their way to an equal everyday life. With a scientifically based coaching concept and individual solutions for a carefree and happy life.