No injunctions, punishments or sanctions: only a good dose of collaboration and understanding. In this style of education, children are understood in their emotions, respected as adults, and in charge of certain decisions. What is Gentle Parenting, which promises to raise confident, independent and happy children?
In the Manichean and idyllic world of children, parents should all be excessively kind. A parenting style promises to bring to life their idealistic vision of the family: the “Gentle parenting”. Also called “gentle parenting” Or “kind parenting” in French, this gentle style is attracting more and more moms and dads. Its popularity comes from the fact that it is a reflection of our society: a constant call for kindness and positivity, even in parenthood. Facing authoritarian style, severe, dominating tiger parents; we then oppose a more understanding, collaborative and participatory style. Parental authority is no longer exercised vertically but horizontally; and the child remains framed by limits well fixed. .
Globally, “the idea behind ‘gentle parenting’ is to approach children with respect and empathy, to offer them choices rather than imposing demands on them, to give space to their feelings and emotions”explains a parenting expert in the columns of The Cut.* And if this educational style is familiar to you, it is because it actually encompasses an infinity of similar and popular parenting: “Respectful parenting”, “Mindful parenting”, “Intentional parenting”, or even “Peaceful parenting.”** We enlighten you.
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Gentle parenting is based on empathy and understanding of the child
When the child adopts problematic behavior (does something stupid, breaks a rule, or disrespects us), gentle parenting invites us to try to understand it rather than trying to correct it. Thus, it is necessary find out what is behind this behavior instead of trying to rectify the situation. How does he feel to get to this point? What is he trying to tell us by acting like this? What are his deep feelings? His real motivations? Indeed, in certain cases, the child who disobeys does not do it just for pleasure: he feels uneasy deep and tries to get our attention.
Scenario: When it’s time to go to school, your child throws a tantrum and screams throughout the house. Right away, you can’t figure out why. But with a little hindsight, you realize that he is crying because he fear of separation. It’s his first time back, he’s not used to leaving you for so long during the day. Rather than telling him to stop crying, forcing him to calm down so you can leave the house and not be late, you try to understand him, identify the reason for his grief, and then comfort him appropriately. and explain the situation to him. In doing so, you show compassionyou validate their emotions, you put yourself in their shoes and you create a real connection.
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Leave the choice, rather than imposing your will
Another principle of gentle parenting is to leave the choice to the child, rather than imposing his will. If the latter wants something that you do not want to give him, instead of telling him “no”it is advisable to propose alternatives so that he participates in decision-making.
Scenario : It’s time for dinner. Your child wants to eat a piece of chocolate cake that you baked for a snack. Rather than refusing his offer directly, you could offer to eat it for dessert, or for breakfast the next day.
This possibility of choosing among several options could evoke the laxity of the permissive style. However, the room for maneuver is regulated, and limits are set by the parents in this freedom granted: the child has the choice, of course, but we have chosen in advance the different alternatives proposed.
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No verbal injunctions
In addition to the substance of the interaction, the form is just as important. In Gentle parenting, no room for verbal injunctions : orders are replaced by suggestions, proposals, questions. The wording of sentences is conditional or interrogative, never imperative.
Instead of exclaiming “Put on your coat!”we would rather say: “What is happening ? Don’t you want to put on your coat?” We can also use a sentence that describes the problem and shows that we understand how he feels: “You don’t want to put on your coat because it’s hot at home. But we’re going out soon and it’s cold outside.”
Certain words or phrases are also not recommended: “No”, “do not do”, “you can not” and especially “We”… We’ll explain why.
A parenting style where the child is treated as an equal
In the implementation of education, the use of the pronoun “We” can take on a disdainful appearance: “we don’t hit people”, “we wait until the other person has finished speaking before expressing themselves”... Now, in Gentle parenting, the parent respects and addresses the child as if he were an adult. The use of “We”, “it’s condescending”according to a parenting coach.**
“Children notice that we don’t speak like that to adults” and by this turn of phrase “they understand that we think that they do not deserve the same respect that we give to adults”, he explains.
Freelance journalist
Open-minded and in love with life, Emilie likes to decipher the new phenomena that shape society and relationships today. Her passion for human beings motivates her to write…