She worked in a brothel for two years and wrote a book about it. We spoke to Ilan Stephani about how she became a whore — and why she didn’t want to be a whore anymore.
She is very different from what you imagine a whore to be: a girl next door from a good family with top grades who has never been involved with drugs. Nevertheless, Ilan Stephani worked in a Berlin brothel for two years. Voluntarily because she didn’t want to be a boring student. Now she has written a book about it. In an interview with Barbara.de, she talks about why she feels sorry for men, why she never found sex with strangers disgusting and at some point she no longer wanted to be a whore.
BARBARA: How did you come to work in the whorehouse?
Ilan Stephani: I was a feminist at school and I was very sure that prostitution is patriarchal violence, a bought rape. That’s why I was against it. During this time I also read several of the writings of Alice Schwarzer of the whore organization Hydra. When I moved to Berlin I was curious to get to know the “enemy”. I was surprised there: at first I thought there weren’t any prostitutes present, but I just didn’t recognize them because they were all just like me.
Why did you want to try it yourself?
I just really like being in contact with people. As a daughter from a good family, I was tempted to break the cage, I wanted to break out. I had good grades, I studied philosophy and cultural studies, but I didn’t want this ready-made path for me. I didn’t want to be a boring student. The puff was an opportunity for me to get to know other facets of myself. I put up with a lot for my curiosity.
But why did it have to be paid sex to break out? There could have been other options…
I think a lot of people want to rebel. For example, I’ve never had anything to do with drugs, it didn’t interest me. I, on the other hand, have been with women a lot who have thought about what they can do to shock. My friends weren’t that surprised either, but rather interested when I told them about it.
“I never saw myself as a fallen girl”
Didn’t you ever find it strange to sleep with complete strangers?
no, I’m sorry (she laughs), I’m often asked that, but I never found it strange or gross. I’ve never felt like a fallen girl either. I chose it myself.
You write in your book that the majority of men were very nice to you?
Yes, it was, and it’s important for me to say that. The stereotype is that suitors are monsters. But I really haven’t experienced that. Men who go to the whorehouse don’t all want to do something cruel, they’re just looking for contact, just like outside.
You write that men can only feel sorry for you. Why?
In our society, men and women generally don’t learn what good sex is. You are very tense. I also experienced that in the brothel, that the men don’t dare to make loud noises, that they can’t relax, that you can laugh sometimes. Sex is a secret and very serious matter. Men suffer greatly when women are suspicious because there has been violence against women ever since patriarchy existed. I think men really want to make women happy with their penises. It’s a misunderstanding: Basically, women and men go well together and it’s exactly this confirmation that men look for in prostitutes.
“Prostitution is a dead end”
But the prostitute is just pretending…
Yes, of course this is not a solution, but a dead end, because the prostitute only confirms it because she is paid for it. That’s why men leave more frustrated than they came. You’re just a little sedated after orgasm. They notice less how clueless, helpless and unhappy they are.
Are German men unhappier than others?
No, this is a Western cultural phenomenon. Any society that thinks that things in life can be bought, learned in a weekend, or gotten at the whorehouse are basically unhappy. All affluent societies are naive on this point. All races that are more in tune with nature have a better hand. You need patience for love and good sex. We need more humility and practice for a few years. I also criticize the consumer attitude that you have to go somewhere quickly for someone to jerk you off. It’s all about money.
Speaking of money, do men actually often pay to talk mostly?
I’ve talked to everyone, everyone, everyone, the conversation and social interaction has been an integral part of me. Not many really want to talk, but they also want to talk. It doesn’t always have to be penetration. A lot of things went differently than you would imagine. It’s not just about the customer shagging the whore.
“I only worked with women who were whores by choice”
How did your parents actually react when you told them about your job?
They were amazed and worried, they had many questions. I explained a lot to them so they could calm down after they found out. But they made it clear very quickly that I am and will remain their daughter – and can live as I want.
You could choose it yourself. It’s not like that for all women…
Of course there is also forced prostitution. I find the idea of women who are forced to have contact with ten or fifteen men a day who could take a close look and help is horrifying. Who could go to the police and save women’s lives, but who are cowards and prefer to look the other way. Those are two different things for me though. I myself have only worked with women who were whores by choice. I had absolutely no contact with women who are forced into prostitution. The housekeepers in our brothel took great care and protected us.
For the most part, your experience has been positive. But not only. What bad experiences have you had?
Yes, there were several negative encounters. One was particularly bad because the man was just an asshole and took advantage of it to take women by surprise. He grabbed me brutally. The problem was that I didn’t say stop in time either, because I didn’t learn how to do it as a child. We need to teach our daughters to say ‘no’. And that’s before we teach him to look good and be sexy. It’s important for women to be able to set boundaries sexually. We all have to rethink. Women should decouple their self-esteem from how they come across to men. Men are fixated on sex instead of loving it. They are much more weepy than women, they are intimidated and overwhelmed more easily. They want sex to validate them, not challenge them. women are braver. They just have to learn that if they fight back, they’re equal to men. Also physically.
You never felt like a victim?
no The man was only accompanied by women in our whorehouse. We could always refuse if we didn’t like someone. In our brothel, the man had to let the women take the lead, he tended to follow me as a whore. Of course there were also moments of uncertainty just before I saw a new customer for the first time – it could have been my neighbor. But I never really worried.
Why did you finally quit?
Because I had a sexual arousal experience at a women’s workshop where we explored the G-spot. After that I knew I couldn’t go back to the whorehouse. Then I stopped very quickly. Today I am a physical therapist and I work especially with women.
© Ilan Stephani / Private
Ilan Stephani was born in Berlin in 1986 and grew up in Lower Saxony. During her studies, she discovered through the prostitute organization Hydra the possibility of gaining sexual experiences outside of her middle-class origins. Today she works as a physical therapist and author. Her book “Lovely and expensive. What I learned about life in the whorehouse” was published by Ecowin Verlag and costs 20 euros.
Photo: PR