Experts reveal
What wives complain about most in therapy sessions
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Partners have to work constantly on a marriage – and hardly any relationship can do without quarrels and compromises. However, some problems are more serious than others. The following four reasons ensure that wives seek advice from experts.
By the time a couple decides to go to therapy, according to one study on average two to three years. Before that, most people try to solve their problems on their own, which often doesn’t work or even makes the problem bigger. The last step for many is joint couples therapy – or to go into therapy alone to talk about the problems with a neutral person and maybe find a solution. According to experts, these four topics come up particularly frequently.
1. Marriage is boring
Until the end of our days. A promise that many associate with marriage. But the more days go by, the more the lovers often become blunted. patterns repeat themselves. Partners sometimes make less effort. The real problem: Well-functioning marriages are those in which the partners know that they have to keep working on themselves and the partnership, regardless of the relationship label.
The reason: Every relationship needs new experiences that keep it alive and make the lovers have fun. If the husband doesn’t feel like doing or making a change, the wife is usually the one looking for a common hobby or other activity. Life coach Jean Walters advises in an article for the online magazine YourTango: “Take time to look for a hobby that aligns with both partners’ values and interests and can become a fun activity.” This keeps the marriage interesting and gives it new meaning.
2. “I feel ignored”
As psychologist Patricia O’Gorman explains, many wives blame their husbands for marriage failures. He watches sports programs non-stop, only ever plays poker or works longer hours. The real problem women see is usually loneliness or a feeling of being lost, which in turn leads to anger, the expert said. The women would then often do more with friends or keep their house sparkling clean to create a feeling of control in other areas of life. Many of these wives would also accuse their husbands of being dismissive in conversation, in an attempt to create some sort of connection.
According to O’Gorman, however, it’s more important to look not only at the relationship, but also at yourself. Is there perhaps also a lack of a relationship with one’s own self? In a marriage, many women lose their identity. Their desires, needs, dreams, opportunities often put them aside for marriage or family. Women who lose themselves in the role of wife and do everything for the perfect house, the perfect marriage, the perfect children would often find themselves in this situation. Self-love and reflection, as well as professional help, can help.
3. “My husband doesn’t really know me”
According to couples counselor Judy Tiesel-Jensen, many women feel that their husbands are not really listening or paying attention to them. It could be something she recently shared with him or a moment when she was obviously stressed, excited, or sad from her point of view—and he didn’t notice. He also does not take note of external changes such as a new outfit or a new hairstyle. The feeling becomes particularly strong when the husband behaves less indifferently towards friends or family members. While helping his sister chop wood, he ignores her desire to vacuum. The wives affected often feel taken for granted and not valued. Of course, this also affects her. His detachment makes her lose interest and he wonders what has become of their love life. “It quickly turns into a negative spiral, which is driven forward with anger and mutual respect that continues to dissolve,” said Tiesel-Jensen. “The sooner this spiral is broken, the better the chances for the relationship.”
4. Sex life does not meet needs
According to family therapist Vikki Stark, many couples don’t take their sexual issues seriously enough, she explains on Psychology Today. If life gets in the way, the baby is small or the work is too stressful, but above all both partners still feel like each other, the couple should sit up and take notice. According to the expert, there are often blame and quarrels instead of clarifying discussions. Therapy is also difficult because many people do not dare to discuss the very intimate topic in front of a stranger – or they do not believe that someone can help them. Still others hoped it was just a phase or that talking about it might make it worse. “Most marriage counselors know that avoidance is the biggest problem,” Stark explains. “Many couples don’t know how to talk about painful or sensitive topics, so years go by with the topic being sidestepped.” The expert recommends an annual ritual in which couples take time to answer the following questions:
- Can you speak openly and honestly with each other?
- Are you both happy with the way your finances are organized?
- Does your sex life meet your needs?
- Do you feel like you both contribute equally to the household?
- If you have children: Do you have the same views on bringing them up?
And if things get heated and not very constructive: seek professional support. No matter which part in the marriage it is that makes one of you unhappy. It can be very pleasant to discuss the feelings together with a neutral person and this can also be done individually before you face the topic together.
Sources used: Psychology Today, YourTango, GoodTherapy