Falling in love is only a phase. Couple advisor Florian Klampfer advises you to stay tuned – to find out more about yourself than about your partner.
Everyone is in love, what is so great about it?
Yes, we really bathe in this feeling. Surrender to a state where we don't question what it really has to do with the partner or whether we just fell in love with love. Some people stay in this feeling for months. Fine – but you live in an illusion, because the really exciting only begins afterwards.
And that would be?
The differentiation. In the first infatuation there is no you or me. In the transition phase to love, I perceive myself again and begin to perceive my partner as well. Then it becomes clear: Oh, we have different needs!
Sounds like gossip.
Many shy away from this step, because it will be exhausting. Because you would have to look deeper into how to manage on a new level. In extreme cases, this leads to separation at that point. Or the second differentiation follows: What am I looking for in your relationship with you? What did I see in you unconsciously and want to integrate it for me?
Do you initially only see what you want to see in the other?
It is not just an illusion, but it is reduced to what we like to hear from each other. It gets exciting as soon as we recognize things in the other that we reject. There is a hot trace in it.
Which leads where?
It indicates something in us that we do not want to admit. Already the language shows that you are so sluggish. You are sloppy A clear attribution: YOU are … But if something about the other annoys me excessively, it has to do with me, otherwise I would not be so annoyed. For years I have not understood why lazy people drive me crazy. Until I realized that there was a longing in me not to do anything – I never ventured, but projected the lazy part onto others.
How unmasking!
But even more: With this knowledge, we could manage not to separate ourselves from him because of disturbing characteristics of the partner. So instead of saying "You are so boring", I ask myself where is the boring part in me that I never want to allow.
Can couples do this mirroring alone or better with a therapist?
Therapists can open up a room and incite them to speak: what I reject from you, what I want to integrate? Getting involved remains the task of the couple. In psychology there is the concept of "heart coherence": the willingness to open the heart and to let in everything that I refuse from the partner. This does not mean that I have to find all its quirks good. Rather, I look at them Quirks: Which of these triggers something?
What if you realize that you already know the disruptive quality of ex-loved ones?
Perhaps this is an invitation to ask the questions: What of my personality is sacred to me? What am I no longer for sale? Then you can consider whether you want to invite the new partner as a Zen master to try it out every day. Whether that is enough to form a relationship is a completely different question.
With the view you could almost lose the joy of being in love …
But not! Imagine you receive a package that you have not ordered. But your name is on it and the postman looks charming and personable. Are you accepting the package?
I think so.
The same applies to the lessons in life – they often come in an unexpected form. The nice postman helps us to get involved in things we don't feel like doing. He becomes a development aid at this point. His friendliness helps us to accept unpleasant messages.
What about those who fall in love very often and quickly?
With this variant you can ask yourself: Am I afraid of new experiences? Do I want to put my life energy into an eternal test stage?
I summarize: Falling in love is an illusion and hopefully only a phase – before it gets tiring. Do you find a nice ending?
The point of falling in love is that life automatically gives me lessons like this: Who am I attracted to? And what do I do with it? Falling in love is a decision.
Florian Klampfer is a couple therapist and works in Berlin. More information at: beratungspraxis-klampfer.de
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