Her mother, 93, lives in a completely old house. And don’t want to see that there are better alternatives. So does the “dear daughter” have no choice but to continue being a part-time nurse (and annoyed full-time)?
Earlier on the phone I jumped in shock. “Well, I’d like to be 97!” my mother said cheerfully at the end of our conversation. Spontaneously I thought: Oh God! ANOTHER 4 YEARS? I can’t survive this! A minute later I was ashamed of that thought and felt terrible. The worst, meanest daughter in the world.
But she was also the most frustrated: because before that, Mama had whined for half an hour about everything that was hurting her, how joyless and sleepless she always was, how crazy her blood pressure was and how bad the weather was. The people and the world are getting worse and worse, and none of the neighbors make time for them. She’s not one to whine, but NO ONE cares about her!
I knew all of this for a long time, because yesterday she had said the same thing. And the day before yesterday too. The last ten years, actually, since my father died, leaving her alone in the utterly decrepit cottage in the country he built for them both when we were kids from the big family home. The cottage is so small and has no retreatthat unfortunately you could not accommodate a nice nurse there with her.
Several weekends on the air mattress
My sisters and I live in cities a hundred miles away and had repeatedly asked, begged, or even tried to persuade our mother to give up the little house and move to a nice retirement home within walking distance of one of ours. There she would have speeches, good food, service and entertainment, and we, who “on the side” were all still busy with full-time jobs and families and friends, could be more carefree. Just visit our mother in the afternoon, drink coffee, stroll around and then leave again. That’s what a lot of friends do with their elderly parents – I envy them a lot. Because my sisters and I take turns spending very long weekends on an air mattress at our mother’s cottage to bring her life, company and food into the house. It doesn’t matter when you drive again with a sore back – it’s always too early for them and you always feel inadequate.
After all, she is now as secure as possible at home. She has the emergency call service of the Johanniter, the nursing service comes by 24/7 three times a day to check on her, to check her tablet intake and whether she is eating and drinking enough. She also has a domestic help and a gardener. That’s all we can do — other than moving in with her yourself and keeping her company as she grows old and angry about being old.
With all love, that’s too much to ask! Legal applies: Nobody should be forced to care for relatives and nobody has to be cared for by relatives against their will. What is not in the legal code, however, are the moral (self-)obligations and a family history that keeps us all captive in our intended roles.
She determined what we had to do and not do
To paraphrase an old KISS hit: I was made for loving you. On the other hand, as a traumatized war child, our mother was not made to love back. Instead, she determined what we were to do (career, marry) and not (grieve or embarrass her). Even today she keeps saying that “people” would have so many children “because they bring so much love, warmth and joy into the house!”. I don’t know how many times I’ve angrily replied to her that it should be the other way around, that parents should give their children warmth and love, rather than nurturing babies as emotional farm animals and ever-available trusted home therapists. Because she never wanted to go to real therapists, despite repeated advice from her doctors: “Why should I tell a complete stranger something about myself?!” After all, she had us, her daughters, for that. So with every phone call you listen to her problems and then give her half an hour of courage that you lack afterwards.
The coolness with which I now acknowledge her suffering in herself and the world sometimes frightens me, because I have a different image of myself – that of an empathetic and caring woman, mother, daughter and friend. I would have loved to have planned a happy retirement together with her and my sister. But even after her husband’s death, she refused to talk about it.
I’ve been up all night on Internet forums on the subject of caring for elderly parents. And I learned a few things that I never thought of and would rather not have known: That as a proxy you don’t have the power to enforce what you think is best for your mother – but that this document makes you an (un)willing accomplice to all your wishes, whims, ideas and dislikes. My mother thinks it is her right that we children are always on “standby” for her and make decisions in her interest “in an emergency” – but of course nothing that she doesn’t want herself!
Do I have to fulfill my mother’s wish? The lawyer says yes
That seems to be the rule rather than the exception. Another daughter in the online forum wrote desperately: “Do I really have to find a new cardiologist for my slightly demented mother, even though it’s almost impossible – just because she suddenly rejected the old one, with whom we were completely satisfied for ten years?” I spontaneously thought, please, that would be totally crazy. But the lawyer’s technical comment below: “Yes, even if you don’t think it makes sense, you have to do everything you can, your mother’s wish comes first.” Wow. And what about the wishes and possibilities of others?
Incidentally, it is not only felt that there are significantly more daughters than sons who take care of their parents, but also statistically. They “can do it better”, have been hardened by being a mother themselves and are generally better trained to put their own lives, their plans and dreams on the back burner for the good of the family. But at least I’m in my mid-50s now! Now that I’ve just got my kids out of the house, for the first time in 25 years, single parenting would feel a bit “responsible.” I need it badly! I also want to travel and not have to report for two weeks, I just want to be able to forget my mother – who is old but basically healthy – and enjoy life. But with a clear conscience! So couldn’t Mom please please move to a nice home?
“In principle, it is not legally permissible to prevent a person from staying in a certain area, e.g. their own home, against their will, i.e. without their consent. Anyone who acts against the natural will of the person may be guilty of punishable for deprivation of liberty”, informs pflegeberatung.de. “Compulsory admission to an old people’s or nursing home can only take place with the approval of the care court. The decision as to whether a person is transferred to the home can in principle not be made by relatives or doctors”.
Supervision is a full-time job that can and may be outsourced
And so the years go by. In the meantime I have learned that this “authority” completely disempowers me. This does not help to decide and act for you after consultation and to the best of my knowledge and conscience, but obliges me to rack my brains constantly, how to realize their wish or command to leave their absolutely zero age-appropriate house “first with their feet first” despite all the care they need.
Care is not a simple “duty of love”: Just know all the appointments, applications and assessments for care levels, rights, organize the appropriate care service: This is a completely non-specialist full-time job that you can and may actually outsource. We’re not the youngest anymore. There is no guarantee for anyone to live, love and laugh for 97 years.
At least there is one good thing about the situation – for my children: under no circumstances will I later expect them to feel responsible for my care and my daily well-being. At the moment I am planning a flat share on Crete with my best friends. Who knows how old and how weird we might get! I’ll organize myself away in time. And I’m really happy when my children come to visit me.