Fear of commitment: where does it come from and how to fight it? : Current Woman The MAG

How can we be afraid of commitment?

What is the fear of engagement? We speak of "fear of commitment" when, within the framework of the couple in particular, one of the two partners (man or woman) fears to invest in the relationship: he / she refuses to introduce his / her partner to his / her parents, he / she does not want to commit to long-term projects (getting married, having children, living together, going on vacation as a couple …), he / she does not wish to confide about of himself / herself, he / she finds that the relationship "goes too fast" …

Fear of commitment: where does it come from? " There is no one and only reason for the fear of commitment: it is, in most cases, a bundle of incidents that are grafted on a fertile ground for this fear "explains Jean-Michel Jakobowicz, hypnotherapist and couple specialist.

" Often, these incidents go back to childhood: it can be a question of scenes felt as violent between the parents, of a breakup or a divorced pain of parents, friendships, personal love breaks or experienced by relatives … These events, at the time felt as major (although often forgotten later), can leave traces in the subconscious of the child. "

Result? The child / adolescent develops (consciously or not) a form of anxiety linked to the fear of suffering. " This fear assumes that no matter what happens, any romantic relationship is doomed to fail. Hence the question: "is it worth it to suffer for a moment of fleeting happiness?" And the answer is often no. "adds the hypnotherapist.

In addition, the fear of commitment is also often linked to the fear of losing some form of freedom. " More insidiously, there is also this desire to leave the most doors open, says the specialist. There is in this non-choice an illusory desire for perfection which also generates anxiety.. "

How to behave in front of a man / a woman who is afraid of the commitment?

First thing to know: it is extremely difficult to bring back a woman / a man who is afraid of commitment to reason! " Fear goes well beyond the realm of logical reasoning: that of commitment is no exception, underlines Jean-Michel Jakobowicz. Trying to reason with a person who is afraid of commitment is like saying to a person who is afraid of heights or spiders "come on, don't worry, it's not dangerous"! "

Great declarations of love are also unnecessary, if not counterproductive … " Eternal love oaths are not enough to overcome this fear, because they are exactly what the person who is afraid of commitment expects to receive, explains the hypnotherapist. Indeed: this person is convinced that the words of his / her partner are hollow and are only empty words intended to deceive his vigilance … The risk is to reinforce his fear. "

Most of the work must therefore be done by the person who shares the life of the commitment phobic: " you have to ask yourself “Can I live with someone who won't or may not be able to engage with me?”, “Am I capable or am I do you want to be patient while waiting for my companion to overcome his fear? ": it is a real reflection to carry out "advises the specialist.

Fear of commitment, can it be cured?

Good news : yes, the fear of commitment can be treated! Jean-Michel Jakobowicz recommends real therapy, not only " words like "Don't worry, you'll be fine! ""

It can be question of a psychoanalysis (it is however long and expensive), of a couple's therapy, of Bach flowers (a natural approach without side effects and totally adapted to the emotional state of the person who suffers from this attachment problem) or even … hypnosis. "It is a therapy which I have frequently seen the positive effects on problems of engagement, affirms the hypnotherapist. The advantage of this approach is that the treatment is relatively fast. Indeed a few sessions are enough to be report on the effectiveness of the method. "

Thanks to Jean-Michel Jakobowicz, hypnotherapist in Geneva: his website. He is the author of Succeed in your love life with self-hypnosis (ed. Leduc.S).

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