Fears in children? Is that still normal or is it already sick? – Expert clarifies

BARBARA.de: Hello Ms. Haupt, not only we adults suffer from the current situation, these are also special times for our children. Anxiety is a big issue, but how do children develop anxiety?

Juliane Haupt: Several factors play a role here. Age in particular has a great influence, because depending on how old they are, children have to master different developmental tasks and fears can develop from this. For example, babies enter the foreign phase when they are around eight months old. Normally these phases grow together on their own and the fears also decrease again. But if it isn't caught well, it can solidify. Another factor is the child's temperament, i.e. what character traits it has – is it rather insecure, sensitive or shy? And of course the parenting behavior of the parents also plays a role. So depending on how the child is genetically structured and how the parents deal with it, fears can develop. For example, if parents are very anxious or have an anxiety disorder themselves, the children are also at increased risk of developing anxiety.

Because the children then copy it?

I agree. Because parents naturally serve as models and role models, but on the other hand, the genetic factors also have an effect here. Children of very cautious parents are of course also more cautious and may not immediately rush into new situations with courage. In school, these are often the quiet children who are more reserved, therefore do not interfere in the classroom and do their tasks reliably. These children are of course experienced by parents and teachers as pleasant and their behavior is praised and positively confirmed, so that the children are less encouraged to try something again or to try new things. This in turn meets with understanding from the parents and so the behavior is maintained in the child. It usually starts very small. For example, the child does not want to go into the forest because they could get their shoes dirty. A fear could develop from this.

Phew, but then you have to be so careful what you say yourself …

… especially how you react as an adult. A situation that probably all parents are familiar with: the child approaches the road on the balance bike and we parents usually call from behind: “Stop! Stand still! ”. The child senses through the parental emotions that this is a moment of shock and learns from it.

It is very difficult for many children to name their feelings. For example, at the age of eight, my daughter can often not express what exactly she is afraid of. How can you help?

Talk about it together, name and sort feelings. Children often have no words for what they are feeling. There are also great children's books with which you can give the feeling a name or assign a picture. But I wouldn't dramatize it or stir up fears by confirming, for example: “Yes, I'm also totally afraid of Corona.” Parents give their children support, security and orientation. When they notice that mom and dad are anxious, it adds to the uncertainty and worry.

But how do you know if a child is developing an anxiety disorder?

We often see the following symptoms in (elementary school) children:

In this situation in particular, it is difficult to determine whether it is a depression, anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Because many children, but also adults, currently lack perspective and it is difficult to remain optimistic or hopeful. Therefore, one should be careful with hasty diagnoses. The focus should always be on helping – a diagnosis should not be a justification. Fears are natural and protect us. Therefore, one should keep an eye on such symptoms and keep talking and then, when things calm down again and normality returns, see what is left of the fears.

But how do I know if my fears are still within limits or if a therapist should be consulted?

When the child no longer does things because they perceive situations as threatening and when the parents are under pressure because they have arguments every day, e.g. because the child is supposed to get up, go to school or not be without their parents at all would like to. But: Now with Corona, more children are showing such behavior. I don't mean to say that suddenly all children have an anxiety disorder.

That is very reassuring!

Yes, I know that from my children too. And now we spend so much time together that the children are used to being around a lot more. We are much more present in the life of our children than other caregivers such as teachers, friends, trainers. So almost everything is only exchanged and discussed with the parents. But if we didn't have a pandemic now, such behavior would be conspicuous. Then you should look back at age. In elementary school, for example, questions like: Do the other children like me? Am i good enough This can also lead to fears, such as speaking in front of the class, being rejected by others of the same age or getting into embarrassing situations. It is always good to take countermeasures a little by encouraging the child and giving them the tools of the trade in dealing with other children – this can also be practiced in small role-plays at home, as well as critical situations, but also explaining that everyone is afraid at some point has that the fears pass and it's not bad at all to feel that way.

The return to everyday school life will be a challenge again …

Because they are so young, children can adapt quickly, relearn quickly and also unlearn things. Nevertheless, we therapists see the danger that many children will initially have difficulties finding their way back into a structured everyday life with performance demands and that social phobias may develop as a result. So be really afraid to go out, speak in front of groups – even small talk has become difficult because you are more reluctant to approach others again. Today's communication options, which often replace conversations in personal contact, can also contribute to this. For many young people it is actually a problem to call somewhere, for example to make an appointment with the doctor, simply because they are no longer used to doing this. It will probably be something like that when schools start up again. Here, too, the children first have to get along again.

How can we as parents support this?

As a reference person, it is very important to convey security and orientation, even if we have to do without a lot because of Corona. Of course, that also does a lot to us adults. To be strong for the children is certainly not easy, but we just have to be. Unfortunately, we hardly have any strategies that we can fall back on – our grandparents might have had that – but of course we are partly helpless. Therefore we should do what we have always done: maintain structures and usual daily routines. So eat together, carry out activities together, encourage the children to participate and not to throw everything overboard and to live the day completely without a plan or structure. This makes you dissatisfied and lethargic and, in the worst case, sick. At the same time, there should ideally also be clear demarcations between necessary (domestic) tasks and leisure and relaxation.

What should teachers do?

Feedback is incredibly important, especially because the teaching concepts are so different. However, the students need feedback from us adults so that they don't feel left alone. But there is also no comparison with peers. Many think: Only I feel so bad, only I have to do all of this. But that is precisely why the exchange options via digital channels are of course very valuable. Unfortunately, not all children have the opportunity to use these offers because there is no technical equipment at home. The children definitely need to come into more contact with each other and that is difficult. Even phone calls by the teachers with parents are helpful and supportive here.

Death also plays a major role at the moment and even younger children are grappling with these issues. Is that normal at that age?

Yes, this is definitely age-appropriate and has less to do with Corona. Children deal with “taboo” topics such as death or sexuality at an early age. You should simply accompany this and explain it in a child-friendly manner. It's just part of life. With Corona it is of course very frightening, especially if it happens in the immediate vicinity, but of course that does not mean that the children are automatically afraid that everyone will die and the world will end.

How do you explain death in a child-friendly manner?

Of course, that also depends on age. At elementary school age you can already explain that most people die because they are older and perhaps have illnesses. But also make it clear that you take care of yourself, that we eat healthily, that we exercise regularly and that we go out into the fresh air. We have good conditions to live here and don't have to worry too much about it. It also always helps to consult children's books on the subject if you are looking for the right words yourself. Of course, you can also orientate yourself on religions and show the child various explanations, even if you may not believe in them yourself. Then the child can choose what he himself finds comforting. In the end, it's usually not about a cruel death, but about saying goodbye, even if the beloved pet dies, for example. That hurts and then you can be sad and cry. This is what our children should learn. It becomes pathological when it says: “Something can happen to me at any time, that's why I won't leave the house.” “Or I'm afraid for my parents and always have to take care of them and that's why I no longer go to school.” You should then actually seek help.

How can we further strengthen the resilience of our children – especially in times like this?

The basis for the well-being of our children is our own well-being. This means that when parents are stressed or have financial worries, their own resources have already been used up to such an extent that there can be arguments and, in the worst case, fights. Adults should see what helps to relax the situation and that can then also be, for example, using emergency care. Especially when our nerves are on edge, we shouldn't hesitate to get help in advice centers to avoid worse things. Small things also help to maintain everyday structures, distribute tasks such as taking out garbage, setting the table, etc. and small experiences of success, for example playing Uno. So basically stay active and talk, but also explain the world when questions arise and keep in touch with friends and grandparents. Ultimately: we adults have to give the children orientation so that they remain able to act, everyday structures are important as well as talking about feelings and beautiful experiences. What also helps is to think and talk about the norms and values ​​of our life, because that is something that you can always orientate yourself on when there are difficult times in life.

Juliane Haupt is a qualified social pedagogue and child and adolescent psychotherapist. She works as deputy Outpatient management in the training institute of the KJP Hamburg and the psychotherapy center Spaldingstrasse.