Anything but romantic, but necessary. Couples should talk about money before they get into an argument.
In many relationships there are always arguments about finances. For 39 percent of all couples, dealing with money is even the number one issue, according to a recent survey. In an interview with the news agency spot on news, author Michael Mary explains how couples should manage their finances.
Don't hide the subject of money
According to Mary, when it comes to finances, the partners don't have to quarrel – on the contrary. "The right way of dealing with money strengthens a couple relationship," explains the author. A dispute occurs "whenever the partners tacitly assume that they mean a monetary issue in the same way." It is only in the dispute that it becomes apparent that they have understood the topic differently.
Mary illustrates this with an example: One partner gives the other 5,000 euros to buy a car and demands the costs back a few months later. It turns out that the money was meant as borrowed money, but the partner understood it as a gift.
"The partners have to find their way of dealing with money. Unfortunately, many couples avoid the topic because they believe that talking about money will damage love," explains Mary. It is important to clearly address needs and expectations. How a couple ultimately regulates their finances depends on the respective couple. "There are only perfect strategies in theory. In practice, two individuals meet, that is, two different people who lead an individualized relationship. Basically, this relationship should determine how money is handled."
Why money is not always money
In certain situations couples should keep a record of their finances. Mary distinguishes between "cool, warm, and hot money in relationships". Especially with so-called cool money, the expert recommends creating facts – right up to notarial certification. "Cool money is money that is used in partnership matters. The rent, the household costs, the house or the condominium. This is about equalization of benefits and this has to be negotiated with a cool head and contracts – mostly even notarial contracts – come, otherwise someone will look into the tube at some point. "
The situation is different with warm money, which Mary also calls friend money. He understands this to mean costs that one party incurs in order to do the other good, for example by inviting them to go on vacation. "This is about benevolence and participation, the money serves the happiness and well-being of the other. You make agreements here and never invest more money than you can easily handle in the event of a loss."
The hot money, which is about gifts, is even more unconditional, explains Mary: "For this money, neither performance compensation nor benevolence can be expected. The money evaporates, it is sacrificed to love." The author has a simple rule of thumb for presents: "You should never give more than you can handle." Gifts only served the partner's well-being secondarily; primarily, they express love for the partner, explains Mary. "You give out of your own need, not because your partner needs something."
Amicable and professional way of dealing with money
In both friendships and partnerships, money should by no means be viewed as business, warns Mary. The saying "friendship ends when there is money" is what he considers "nonsense" in this form. The author believes that borrowing money from a friend or partner and charging interest for it is the wrong approach because it undermines the level of friendship: "It becomes a business, that is, a deal between strangers."
Michael Mary is a TV couple counselor and e-learning instructor. In his book "Die Liebe und das Liebe Geld" he gives tips on dealing with money in partnerships.