Like to be the center of attention or make great speeches – I was never the type. From (self-) experience I know: Big events are horrible to me, and more than ten people at once become too much for me. And now I, the introvert, stand here – atypically at the center of a huge party that I also organized myself. I have invited my circle of friends and acquaintances, which has grown amazingly since the divorce, to tell them how important they are to me. I am happy and totally surprised by myself: Pleasant, Karina!
Get out of the comfort zone
I've been a different person many times than I thought. It's starting to be fun. Man is a creature of habit, nobody likes to change and, if he does, rarely voluntarily. Most are happy to have found an identity and a few suitable jobs and people after puberty and the search for meaningful confusion in young adult life. On the other hand, to really change fundamentally makes you scared of shit – you can't do that in a weekend seminar, even if people like to say so today. For a long time, you oscillate ambiguously between expectation of profit and fear of loss. It is not a beautiful place, the uncomfortable passage room between the personality that you were but no longer want to be; and the one you want to be but just don't know how and when. Only that it has to be now, that's for sure.
The pursuit of security is not just the uncool desire for convenience. Security is the stable sub-floor, the deepest layer in the pyramid of human needs. The longing for it is anchored in the human brain as a means of survival and at least has developed us from drafty caves to our lockable, heated apartments with WLAN. But for the further development of our personality we have to get out of the comfort zone, which is our biggest problem zone. The Viennese psychotherapist Katja Beran says: "The brain is a philistine and the sentence, We have always done it like this' his mantra."
But modern brain research knows that even in old age, it is possible to effect remodeling processes in the brain. Change happens when the goals are in line with your own inner values and desires: I have to FEEL the intention of my change with every fiber, not just think. Heart in combination with head – then very massive changes can be made. The emotions activate the emotional centers in the brain, thereby releasing neuroplastic messenger substances, and this is the only way to enable nerve cell remodeling processes that have been linked through learned experiences.
Decisions and consistent actions
So the strongest drive for change is strong feelings: either you have to be very desperate to escape the emergency situation as quickly as possible – or you develop a precise vision of a happier, nicer version of your life and take the necessary steps with anticipation. The more precise, splendid and true-to-life you dream of your castle in the air, the sooner you will actually realize it and yourself as a resident.
A new life begins as soon as a person acts differently in the long term and thinks as usual. It is our decisions and consistent actions that make us different. "That's how I am" makes you old. Especially from the mid-40s, when women give up the familiar, familiar roles as mother, daughter, career woman and family carer more or less voluntarily, their personality is destabilized again. Abysses can open up – or open up completely new worlds. To discover them, Katja Beran recommends asking yourself the following questions: What other options are there? What roles do I want to live? What else could be? And what helps me with that? What resources do I have? What have I successfully used in the past? "For me, change always means getting out of a tight space and creating space," says the therapist. "There is not only black or white, but an abundance of options. After a major change, you often have the feeling that life is colorful again!"
My personal recipe for happiness is to be less and less afraid than to be curious about what I could be at best. The more you trust yourself, the more new things you can do. The most important question of all can only be answered by yourself: Do I long for change? Do I want to experience all possibilities, all facets that my existence could hold for me here – and also take excitement and risks? Then I will get closer to what I mean at best. On the other hand, am I trying to change, modify, modestly, discipline in order to meet the expectations of others and thereby gain recognition? This is also understandable, because secure attachment is another basic human need. But in the worst case, you keep feeding your wrong picture and alienating yourself.
Decision for or against living conditions
Unfortunately, only children are constantly asked what they want to be when they grow up. This mainly means the choice of profession, but there is always a "Who do you want to be, what kind of person do you want to be?" Who is officially of age then should make a decision and stay with it if necessary. That makes people more predictable for society. But there are also unwanted changes. Life often plays different roles than you thought. For example: the unemployed. The divorced. The sick. The single parent. The widowed. To live like this – no, I could never do that, one believes as an outsider. And if there is no other option, it can until the next role change. "I am made up of pieces of all the places I have ever been and all the people I have ever loved. I am sewn together with lyrics, book quotes, adventures, late night conversations, moonlight and the smell of coffee," like the poet Brooke Hampton put it.
No matter where and how old I am – I can decide for or against living conditions at any time. You have to take away the intellectual freedom. Neuroscientist Dr. Joe Dispenza, author of the books "You are the placebo" and "Superhuman", says: "When we are 35 years old, we are 95 percent made up of a memorized combination of behavior patterns, unconscious habits, hardened attitudes, beliefs and perceptions that work like a computer program. Not so long ago, science wanted us to believe that we were doomed to live according to our genes and how we were conditioned, and that we had to accept these limitations. But what I have learned over the past 20 years about the brain and its influence on our behavior gives me a lot of hope for us humans and our opportunity to change. "
So, do what you want, what you really, really want! Just do me a favor: don't become one of those hard-working acquaintances who keep whining about their lousy lives, blaming others for it and constantly asking everyone what they could do about it. After an hour, you are completely exhausted from thinking, suggestions and planning – and the professional victim is fed up with satisfied and imaginary possibilities to let everything go on just as badly as before. Please folks, just stay the way you are – but stay away from me if possible. I decided not to be the type to listen to this any longer.
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