Anyone who has been in a relationship with a man as a woman knows that this can be quite frustrating! Attila Albert, his relationship coach and man, reveals how we can avoid unnecessary frustration.
Women, in particular, are often willing to give a lot for a relationship: to be understanding and helpful to their partner – even if they are perhaps the wrong person. In their precious free time, some also work with dedication as volunteer psychiatrists and therapists. Specialization: complicated guys. So you invest a lot of time and effort – and in the end your partner stays as it was. It makes sense to try to understand the other person, to maintain the relationship. But there are limits. And both sides have to do their part. Here are 5 tips that can help you see your partner as an equal adult. Not as someone you need to save, heal, or change first.
5 tips to avoid disappointments in the relationship
1. Don't become a hobby psychiatrist
It has become popular to explain conspicuous behavior with psychiatric self-diagnosis: is he possibly a narcissist, border liner or psychopath? Possible. Perhaps it is just a problematic character. A professional would have to question and assess him for a serious diagnosis. Everything else is guesswork. Men you can only explain to yourself with psychiatric diagnoses should be recommended to an expert. Otherwise: Don't even bother with it, you're wasting your time!
2. Don't apologize for any behavior
© Attila Albert
Some understanding women found that her husband was very ready for a relationship, marriage, and children – just with someone else. That he could very well be charming – as soon as his boss sat next to it. All the nice excuses that had been laid out seemed to be of limited scope. It is true: each partner has its own peculiarities that you can accept in a relationship with loving patience. But there must be a minimum level of communication, commitment and behavior.
3. Mind reading is not your job
Some consider men's heads to be crystal balls and want to keep peering in: what thoughts could you read out, what hidden desires can be found and fulfilled? Problematic relationships arouse the wrong ambition: "My partner does not speak to me! It can only mean that we understand each other without words." However, autism is a disease. Not a lifestyle that you should strive for enthusiastically. You are not there to constantly anticipate each other's needs.
4. Talk to him, not about him
Many talk to all kinds of people about their partner's soul life – just not with him. Does mom confirm that he's behaving inappropriately? What does the little sister and best Facebook friend say? A conversation with a trusted person can be helpful. In general, you should discuss relationship problems with your partner. Can you even talk to each other: let each other speak, listen, react appropriately? If not, the whole relationship has little future.
5. Help when needed, but not constantly
If you actually would like to work as a therapist or social worker, you should do appropriate further training and then have yourself paid for each interview. Or alternatively look for a volunteer position in which you can help others. A relationship is the wrong place for long-term help: constant one-sidedness brings the partnership into difficulties, overloads you and incapacitates your partner. You should end a relationship that is only based on pity – and then remain loosely known at best.
Each of these five basic rules helps you to restore the balance between taking and giving. You are responsible for yourself and no longer exhaust yourself with transforming another adult or pushing for something. Example: If your partner has been finding new explanations for ten years why he cannot move in with you. You waste your time. Better devote your strength to your own activities. So you are an attractive, independent partner who is interesting for someone who shares your basic ideas and has similar goals as you.
You can find more tips and wisdom from Attila Albert in his book "I'm not going to take part anymore" (192 pages, 16.99 euros), published by Graefe and Unzer.