"Going out with your ex is like swallowing your vomit." We've all heard that old, trashy adage. But what is it in reality? Getting back together with your ex, good or bad idea?
Do you know the "recoupling"? This anglicism refers to giving each other a chance as a couple. Getting back together with your ex, you have to admit, the idea can be tempting. So tempting that 37% of couples decide to give themselves a chance after a first breakup. They are not always successful since only 12% of them succeed in consolidating their relationship. Can you form a happy and lasting couple after tearing apart?
But why do we go back to our ex?
Among the many arguments that circulate, there is the idea that the ex is a comfortable, energy-efficient solution: we already know it, with all its faults, its qualities, its little quirks that annoy us or charm us . A well-known ground which conditions this return to the past, therefore. For Véronique Kohn, psychotherapist specializing in romantic relationships, the reasons are also biological. “In any relationship, there are moments that have been essential, nurturing. When the ex moves away from our lives, there is a biological and chemical phenomenon that causes the brain to bring us back to those times, to those good memories. Bad memories are zapped ”, explains the specialist. Indeed, according to the various researches done in this area, memory sorts our memories, reducing those that hurt us. This is probably the reason why we forget the many arguments and especially remember our dream week in Puglia.
What if the Prince Charming myth skewed our view of love, causing us to fall back into our ex's arms? “The romantic ideal is extremely common, with both women and men. Our time has been sociologically embedded in this romantic myth since the 19th century, and it is difficult to deconstruct it ”, Véronique Kohn analysis. Except that by overly idealizing and dreaming about love as it is presented to us in fairy tales and romantic comedies, we come to forget the realism and the everyday life which is not always all rosy. "The couple is not that amazing, otherwise there wouldn't be so many divorces! This is the reality ", says Véronique Kohn ironically.
Feelings present or loneliness?
Sometimes our feelings are not very clear. Behind the sentimental impulse hides other things, as Véronique Kohn points out: "Emotional deprivation reminds us of the lack of a child who receives the safety and protection of his parents". Not to mention the current health context, not really conducive to meetings. In need of love, the temptation to call your ex back has never been stronger than now. That's what prompted 28-year-old Léa * to dial her ex's number. “During the first confinement, I felt a lot of nostalgia. I wanted to know if he was okay. But above all, I believe that I needed to discuss everything and nothing, to remember certain moments … ", she tells us. Delving into the past can be a source of comfort and should not make us feel guilty at a time of uncertainty. “Our exchanges lasted a few weeks, then nothing. It made us both good I think, then each one resumed the course of his life ", adds the young woman.
According to an article published in 2019 on the American site Psychology Today, which compiles a compilation of studies on "recurring relationships" (understand by that, the back and forth between the phases of separation and reconciliation), nostalgia and worrying about our partner would be enough to renew the love story. Loneliness too. "In some people there is a growing panic, which is called 'loneliness-distress'", notes Véronique Kohn. It is a real anguish at the idea of being alone, a feeling of abandonment, of inner emptiness, as the psychoanalyst Catherine Audibert defines it in her work "The inability to be alone" ( ed. Payot). "To overcome this loneliness, we will run on the strategy of recovery, specifies the specialist in romantic relations Véronique Kohn. We prefer to get our ex back at all costs rather than doing a job of mourning, which is a work of tolerance for lack ”.
"Recoupling": to separate to better meet?
But then, is "recoupling" doomed? Not necessarily, according to our expert. "Getting back together with your ex may be a good idea, if and only if the two partners have been able to bring awareness and clarity to the motivations for the separation", she warns, however. It is imperative to start afresh on a new, healthier basis. "The two partners have to agree to put energy at the service of the couple, to change the bases that were not healthy, otherwise it does not work". Marine *, 30, has reunited with her ex after a one-year separation. "We fought over and over, every day, about anything", she tells us. But the real root of the problem is that Marine is already imagining herself with children and that Leo * is not ready. During this year of breakup, Leo regains his self-confidence with the help of a shrink and Marine learns not to put so much pressure on herself. "I realized that I let myself be carried away more by social injunctions than by the desire to be a mother, even if it is something that I want in the near future", she confides. Every injury needs to be healed before giving yourself a second chance so that you don't make the same mistakes again.
“To overcome obstacles, everyone has to question their share of responsibility. We are jointly responsible for being in the wall: there is not one who has done everything wrong and the other just ", assures Véronique Kohn. Marine admits: “It wasn't all easy, we have to meet again, win back, seduce each other a second time in the end, but we feel stronger, we came out of this separation grown up, and above all, we communicate a lot more. We read everywhere that this is the key to a lasting relationship, it sure is true! "
If going back to square one in love is far from a guarantee of happy ending, that decision is up to you. And what will happen?
* All first names have been changed
For further :
“Think before you get a divorce! ", Sylvie Angel, (ed. Odile Jacob)
" We stop ? We continue ? Take stock of the couple ", Robert Neuburger (ed. Payot)