Gottmann constant: Happy couples follow the 5: 1 rule

There are dozens of rules and tips for relationship happiness – the 5: 1 rule known as Gottmann's constant is not only super practical, but also psychologically sound. You can read what is behind it here.

Every partnership has its positive and negative sides. Sometimes we float on cloud nine and our everyday life for two (plus kids if necessary) is characterized by harmony, love and intimacy. Sometimes it feels like our relationship is a minefield that we walk through with the feeling that only one wrong step could mean the end.

The American psychologist John Gottmann has kindly researched for decades how we can pave a safe way through this course of minefield and cloud nine and how we have the best chances of long-term functioning relationships. In fact, the scientist has found an amazingly simple rule that everything seems to boil down to: The 5: 1 rule, also known as Gottmann's constant.

What does the 5: 1 rule mean?

The 5: 1 rule states:

  • To compensate for a negative interaction with your partner, you need to have at least five positive interactions with them in proportion.

That means, if we pimp our sweetheart, for example, or let him wait or otherwise injure or insult him, we should make sure that afterwards, firstly, we caress his arm, secondly, give him a compliment, thirdly, give him a kiss, fourthly, cook something delicious and then fifth, listening to him patiently and understandingly while he is eating, so that he notices that we are there for him. If everything has arrived as we meant it, our sluggishness is forgiven and forgotten and our relationship is back in balance.

Granted, that sounds almost too banal and mathematical to be true, but Gottmann didn't just come up with this formula. In his experiments, the psychologist tested and observed numerous couples, including in conflict situations, and the rule was repeatedly confirmed: in stable-happy relationships the ratio of positive to negative interactions was at least 5: 1, in unstable-unhappy partnerships it was negative points of contact relatively more.

What does the 5: 1 rule mean for us?

On the one hand, we can now derive an instruction for our own behavior from this rule: If we hurt our treasure, it cannot be eliminated with a simple apology, at least not sustainably. We have to work harder and he has to be ready to acknowledge our efforts and see them positively, otherwise it won't do anything. Therefore, from now on, we might prefer to think a moment longer from the start about whether an injury really has to be or whether it could be avoided, instead of shooting immediately.

On the other hand, we can use the rule to reflect on our relationship and to check its stability: Do we have fewer than five positive interactions for one negative interaction? Then maybe we should work on our partnership if we want to keep it going forever. Or do we meet the constant or even deliver? In that case, we can start planning how we want to grow old together.