… they need love and understanding from their parents. And strategies to appeal to others better. Ef author Franziska Brod has it.
Toby holds out his middle finger in the air. Almost looks like he'll be in touch. But he shows the teacher the "finger finger". The class giggles. He dares something! Yesterday Toby got up in the middle of the dictation and opened the window: "Matthis farted." The teacher is annoyed, the classmates admire Toby. He just doesn't have a boyfriend. Toby is nine. He was an outsider from the start, says his mother. Even in kindergarten. Why doesn't he find a connection? She does not know. Good friends, that's what most parents want for their child. Friends to play, laugh, whisper. Friends to plot pranks with and share secrets with. But what if a child doesn't make friends? Children want to belong. They do almost anything for that. Some play the class clown, others swing themselves up to be the leader. Mostly by children who are also on the sidelines and happy to finally belong. It is not uncommon for a clique of outsiders to harass other children.
Outsiders are difficult and exhausting. And they are at risk. They often get sick, suffer from depression and loss of appetite, from headaches and stomach aches. They have nightmares and fear of school, are distracted and lethargic, or restless and impulsive. They tend to have accidents and "consolation", injure themselves and toy with the idea of wanting to die. (Experts recommend taking any utterance in this direction very seriously.) There are various explanations for why children become outsiders. Appearances such as physical abnormalities, disabilities, clothing and status symbols play a role. However, this should not be overestimated. There are enough children with disabilities, with asthma and acne, with glasses, stupid pants and without a cell phone who still have friends. Behavior is more important: Over-anxious and over-adapted children are more likely to be marginalized than self-confident and physically fit children. Children who are excluded are burdened with a vague feeling of shame and guilt: "Somehow I'm 'wrong'. Otherwise, the others would like me." Therefore, they urgently need the feeling of being "right" and every conceivable support so that they can get along better in the group.
This is how it works:
- Be loving and patient, even if it can be difficult at times. Give a child who is playing king and who appears to be more adult than it is, tasks that require responsibility, skill, expertise. Then it gets the feeling that it has really achieved something and does not have to constantly be in the limelight.
- Many class clowns are creative and imaginative. Pick up talent. If your child messes around, try: "I think we can use some fun now. Do you have a suggestion?" If possible, offer varied, challenging occupations. Laugh together! Little clowns are often very sensitive or have hidden grief. Happiness and understanding are the best medicine.
- Fidgety children are sometimes given the label "hyperactive" a little too quickly. A lot of exercise in the fresh air usually helps, alternating with games that follow the rules: rubber twist, badminton, table tennis. Responsible occupation with animals and plants is optimal for such children because they are physically and emotionally occupied and can relax intellectually. Even five-year-olds can plant bulbs, gather leaves, collect apples and walnuts, and pull weeds.
Important for all children without friends:
1. Teach your child how to resolve conflicts. The basic principle "What you don't want someone to do to you …" already understands it with five. Talk to him about the fact that every child …
- wants to win, but only one thing can win;
- Wants to be a leader and only one can be a leader;
- want to get to it first and only one can be first;
- wants the largest piece of chocolate, but only gets one.
2. Look out for one understandable language. Avoid baby language and terms that are only understood in the family. Important: speech development disorders must be treated!
3. Do not give your child a special role at home: If you let him win constantly while playing, you always give him the largest piece of cake, if you make a huge hoopla about every little scratch, it will fall from the clouds when it finds out how it is outside.
4. Look around the new kindergarten, the new school. What do the other children look like? Don't send your child in a dress when everyone is wearing jeans.
5. Show your child how to make contact: introduce them, ask questions, ask for help, suggest games. "My name is Moritz. What's your name? Can I play with you?" Or: "I'm new. Will you show me the gym?"
6. Practice bathing in the crowd together. Some children have trouble getting by in crowds. Goes to the swimming pool and playground regularly. Here your child will experience how to move around in a noisy crowd.
7th Encourage activities that build a sense of community. Circus or theater projects are ideal because everyone can contribute their skills.
8. Encourage your child to become one hobby to search. Own interests strengthen self-confidence. Status symbols such as smartphones, expensive bikes and fashionable clothing, on the other hand, do not compensate for a lack of recognition.
This article originally appeared on Eltern.de.