A miracle cure that frees us from lovesickness in no time – that's it! Unfortunately, we cannot serve with it right now, but we do offer alternative therapy. Recommended by the psychologist!
We all deal with it differently when our hearts are broken and we mourn. Some plunge and distract themselves, others withdraw and need time for themselves. But even though our coping strategies are different, what we go through after a breakup is similar to all of us – and, according to psychologist Guy Winch, it's the same as addiction.
Love works like a drug
"Studies have shown that withdrawal of romantic love activates the same mechanisms in our brains that are activated when addicts do without substances like cocaine or opioids," Winch said on a Ted Talk. A relationship acts like a drug on us, especially the sides of it that make us happy: affection, closeness, familiarity, sex … If all of this suddenly disappears, our brain breaks down an essential and dominant source of joy – and our first impulse is often the attempt to somehow compensate for it.
Some people help themselves with celebrations, others with dating or chocolate and many look for their substitute happiness in beautiful memories of their time together with the partner or by keeping in touch with him, be it only on Facebook or Instagram. According to Winch, however, this is precisely the biggest mistake that we can make, as it endlessly prolongs the withdrawal and makes it difficult for our broken heart to recover – after all, it is no easier for alcoholics to get away from alcohol if they do it every two days sniffing vodka … "Addicts know that they are sick. They know when to take their dose. People with broken hearts do not know," said the psychologist. "That is why it is so difficult to heal a broken heart."
After separation, only cold withdrawal helps
According to Winch, the following four points are central to a successful deprivation of love.
1. Realistically look at partners instead of idealizing them
Especially when we feel lonely and miss our ex, we tend to only see the beautiful and positive that we had about him. But that only makes the loss more painful for us. Winch advises to specifically recall negative things in the case of nostalgic tendencies. B. how we argued about trifles or the like.
2. Accept separation instead of analyzing
As tempting as it may be to take the separation apart and try to explain it, it does not help us even if we find a reason. Instead of bothering with what was, we should rather get involved with what is and will be, the psychologist advises. Because we can no longer change the past, but we can change the future.
3. Try to let go
Honestly: Who has never thought after a separation that there might be a way back and you could get back with the ex? However, according to Winch, we should fight such thoughts consistently, because they prevent us from letting go. "Accept that it's over. Otherwise your brain will cling to hope and throw you back," says the psychologist. "Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken."
4. Fill in gaps caused by the separation
So that we do not fall into a continuing depression, our brain needs new sources of happiness as soon as possible after a separation – it is important to fill the gaps that have arisen from the relationship. Winch explains: "The gaps in your identity, you have to rebuild who you are, what your goal in life is, fill the gaps in your social life, the lack of activities and even the empty spaces on the wall where your pictures hung." To do this, however, we have to look ahead and engage with something new instead of hanging on to the past. "Avoid the behaviors that cause your ex to play the leading role in your future – even though he shouldn't even be a supporting actor anymore," says Winch. This is the only way we can have a happy ending.