Mom’s happiness through sperm donation – and then comes the pandemic. We talked to Single Mom by Choice Hanna Schiller about her everyday life as a single mother, how fair the measures are for single parents and why she gets nervous when her son asks about dad.
How high is your personal stress level right now?
I’m almost paralyzed right now, to be honest. I don’t really notice the stress anymore. But of course, the moment my son wants to play with me and I have to block for all the work, it makes me sad and I am frustrated. My son does a lot to keep my stress level low, he plays great alone and shows understanding. But it just can’t be that a child has to make sure that mom is fine. I have to work to make money, and I’m still in the final stages of my second book. The stress level is 9.5.
This feeling “I have to get through everything now so that we can get through this crisis reasonably well” is simply stressful and exhausting. This mental fuck-up, when you talk badly about the situation to yourself and don’t admit to being overburdened and annoyed, only makes the pressure even greater.
Childhood sick days, corona money, daycare emergency care: is the corona policy fair for single parents?
On the one hand, I would like that as a single parent you: r basically have the opportunity to get a place in emergency care. In Lower Saxony I only have this right at the moment because I can prove that the situation is really threatening due to a drop in income or a possible threat of dismissal. It would be important that you as a parent do not first have to prove how bad you are, but that the situation of single parents and of course the children is classified as worthy of support from the outset.
Childhood sick days are well thought out, but in many cases the financial losses are so great that you simply cannot afford to do without the working day. Do you make the high bureaucratic effort or do you just prefer to work normally? I have tried very often to put my productive work hours into the night. Of course, it only works for a short time before you collapse completely from exhaustion. The child bonus is, and this applies to everyone, a drop in the ocean. It is scornful that the state has declared this measure to be great support.
The remarkable thing is that despite all these adverse circumstances, the issue of solo motherhood is just gaining momentum. Many who were still struggling whether they should do it or not, now decide to do it. And despite all the circumstances, I want to plan my way into self-employment now more than ever. Right now I am very grateful for an understanding employer who has made so much possible for me, but I just notice that my heart’s concern is solo motherhood.
Mother’s happiness through sperm donation: Hanna and her four-year-old son get along wonderfully on their own – even in times of a pandemic.
© Wanja Chelmis
We are currently offering very popular workshops on the subject of money for solo moms. The subject of finance is a very delicate one for parents anyway. But especially when you face the adventure all by yourself.
“A certain naivety is useful”
In which situations do you most want someone to support you 24/7?
Yes, but it’s more about normal everyday situations in which I could use two helping hands. My son is four now and has a really strong will. Every now and then we get into situations in which I run out of patience. I’m in a hurry, often because I don’t plan perfectly myself and have too much on my mind, and then the little man dawdles around with a calm mind. It would be great to have a partner who can jump in, put on clothes, tie shoes, pack a backpack and take the child to daycare. These perfectly normal daily life things. In an emotional way, so as a support for me, not necessarily at all, no.
I am fortunate that my parents and a good friend support me as best they can. You take my son with you, keep him busy with great things and deliberately leave me out. That gives me little space and breaks that are important. I honestly couldn’t have a guy around me for 24 hours either. That’s definitely great for a lot of people, but for me? No thanks, that would be pure horror! (laughs)
Have you always been aware of this burden?
Back when I was considering becoming a solo mom, my naivety must have protected me a bit. I just didn’t think about this situation, what it is like to have to look after my child 24/7 and in a national crisis on top of that. A certain naivety is useful because if you don’t have it, you may never start making the dream a reality. So I’m glad I felt and decided that way.
“I don’t have a master plan yet”
Does it happen more often as you get older that your son asks about dad?
Yes, absolutely. He asks now and then. Once we got into a situation with my good buddy, who looks after him and plays with him, and he relaxed and asked if that was his dad now. There are always very relaxed moments, in the evening while cuddling in bed, for example. These situations hit me, knowing full well that these questions will come. I am not afraid of the question itself, but rather of conveying it to him incorrectly, of unsettling him, instead of giving security and clarification. We are totally good the way we are, we are a family. But there is still a slight resistance in me to bring the subject closer to him.
I talk to other women about it a lot. Some of them think it sounds hard to say he doesn’t have a dad, but a biological father. In addition, it is unnecessarily complicated to explain the difference. But this path suits us. My son knows the fathers of other children, he is confronted with them. And I don’t want to give him the impression that his father is waiting for him somewhere and will soon be going to the playground with him too. It is easy for him to say that he doesn’t have a dad, that’s not a problem for him. At the age of four he simply wants to understand the world and organize it for himself, which is absolutely understandable. I’m still happy when the subject is quickly baked off for him. I don’t have a master plan for the interview yet.
Interestingly, for my son, his half-siblings are much more exciting than the question about his dad. He has already met three half-siblings personally and was very happy about them. A pair of twins and a sister. The joy on all sides was really great, we all – mothers and children – see it as a great enrichment. We mums want to give the children the chance to get to know their roots, to form a small community for life when they feel like it.