Do you want this rose Think about it carefully … In the rush of love, the fuses can blow. So better not to make any decisions. Tina, 28, now knows that too.
"Actually, I am very skeptical of many things."
Summer 2017. I was on vacation in Romania with a friend. I met Adrian at a beach party. He was on a home visit, his family comes from there. I noticed him straight away – a tall guy, long curly hair, very charming. From then on we saw each other every day and did a lot together. I found him exceptionally attentive, which was especially evident on our departure day. Due to a misunderstanding, my girlfriend and I had difficulty getting to the airport, everything was very hectic – but Adrian stayed calm, organized a car, it was only because of him that we got our flight on time. He made me feel like everything was going to be fine. That was not a matter of course for me. Nevertheless, I did not expect that this holiday flirt could become more. But before his return flight to Canada, where he actually lives, he visited me in Germany. I was flattered that he was doing his best for me, that he really wanted to see me again.
The one?
He signaled that he had serious intentions, that I was "the one". So much affection does something to you. He got me with it. In my previous relationship I was cheated several times, maybe that's why I got involved with Adrian so quickly because he suggested this security to me. He wanted to spend every minute with me, no matter how. We skyped all the time, and later he invested a lot of money in flights so that we could meet. The first tension came when I told him that he didn't have to keep giving me presents. For example, when I mentioned that I needed new shoes, a package with new shoes came a few days later. At first I thought that was cute, but he showered me with it. When I said that, he insisted that I keep it. This intrusive manner should have been a warning sign to me.
The next step
After three months of long-distance relationship, I flew to him in Toronto for the first time – actually just to visit him. He had planned a surprise, invited me on a trip to a beautiful hotel by Niagara Falls. When we were standing by the falls, he suddenly asked me if I wanted to be his wife. I was taken by surprise, I hadn't expected that at all. But I was also overjoyed, after all, at that point in time I still thought he was my dream man. I know how cheesy that sounds, but I was in love. Today I would say: totally blinded. I actually said yes without even thinking about it. We even got married on the same day. When I called my mother, she was shocked: "That's not your style, Tina." She knows that I'm actually not the type of person who quickly plunges into something, but instead gives me time to make decisions and am very skeptical of many things. But in this case I thought: Dare something, it feels right!
The first warning signs
After my return to Germany, Adrian and I continued to have a long-distance relationship, seeing each other about every two months. But he grew impatient and kept coming back to the subject of me coming to him in Canada. And he was extremely jealous when I met friends. I ignored all the red flags, thought that everything would be okay once I was with him in Canada. I was really good at making things nice to myself.
Mine too I didn't hear my best friend, she told me very clearly that she had a bad feeling. She found Adrian arrogant. When he was visiting and we were visiting friends, he wanted to go home early. If friends were with us, he asked them to leave early. But I didn't even notice it that way back then. After only a year of relationship, I quit my apartment, sold all the furniture, my car – and flew to Canada with my hangover in my luggage. At first things went well between us, it was nice that we were finally together without leaving again. I finished my distance learning course and tried to get a work permit. Since we wanted to celebrate our wedding later, once in Canada with his family, once in Germany with mine, I began with the preparations. I had already bought my wedding dress in Germany.
Suddenly…
Soon the mood changed. He made a very good job as a craftsman and was able to finance both of us, but I didn't want to be dependent on him. But he kept putting off the paperwork that he had to fill out for my work permit, and I gradually realized that he didn't want me to go to work. So he had more control over me: I couldn't make any new contacts or cheat, which was his great, unfounded fear. There were also problems with his family, they were disappointed that I did not want to get married in church. That this was so important had never been mentioned before. I always had the feeling that Adrian wanted to push me into a form that didn't suit me. In front of his friends, he was always the model husband, but when we were alone he was nasty: "Don't get on my nerves" or "Today I like you even less than usual" were sentences like that. If I confronted him with this disparity, he said I was losing realism. He started terrorizing me about little things, like washing his socks the wrong way or not cooking the rice like his mother did. It was totally crazy. He continued to express his affection with material things, but all love and tenderness between us was gone. Because he treated me so badly, of course I didn't want to sleep with him anymore. But he still got it through. I don't know why I didn't go there.
The next level
Then it started with drugs. At first he only cooked on weekends, soon more often. Around $ 800 a month was spent on his consumption. When he was intoxicated he became more aggressive, smashed doors, threw things at me. I was scared of him but didn't know where to go. When he had a bad day, he would take my car keys and cell phone with him in the morning. I lived like a prisoner, totally degraded, and depressed. For the last three months before leaving him, I couldn't get out of bed in the morning, lost ten pounds, and had thoughts of suicide. There wasn't a day that I didn't cry. But I couldn't give up the hope that he could become the man I fell in love with at the beginning. I didn't understand how someone could disguise or change himself like that. Add to this anger and shame that the marriage for which I had given up so much should have failed so early. Today I know that I let go far too late.
In autumn last year he said: "The next time you fly to Germany, you will stay there too." That was almost relieving, but it did not bring any ease, the mood was still tense. A few weeks later I caught the cat and packed as many things as I could. We were silent on the drive to the airport. I wanted to hug him one last time, he just said that I died for him.
A new beginning?
The new beginning in Germany was difficult. My self-esteem was in the basement, it felt like my whole life was in a mess. How could I have been so fooled? Helped my family and friends to stick with me. For the time being, I lived with my mother again. Fortunately, I got my old job back at a clinic. A few months ago Adrian wrote that he missed me and wanted to try again. There's no going back for me, I want a divorce. I recently got a new partner. He doesn't always have an easy time with me because I have phases when everything catches up with me. I am thinking about going into therapy.
When I recently put the pictures of my wedding dress on Ebay, I cried. The old feelings came up: In this dress I wanted to marry the man I loved. But this man doesn't even exist.
Tina N. does not want to do anything in the future that does not correspond to their nature. And Adrian is only called that in this text.
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