Top Swiss diplomat Heidi Tagliavini has already sat at the negotiating table with Putin. She knows why a joke can often work wonders when you’re stressed out.
Brigitte: Ms. Tagliavini, how does a good discussion work?
Heidi Tagliavini: When you sit at a table with warring factions – shooting at night, negotiations again during the day – all those involved feel very strong emotions. During my first peacekeeping mission in Chechnya in 1995, I sometimes thought someone would pull out a gun and start shooting wildly. We couldn’t control the delegations that took part in the negotiations, we weren’t armed. But there was one Russian negotiator who never seemed to lose his cool. In moments of greatest stress, this elderly, slightly portly gentleman would sit back comfortably and smile quietly, saying, “You all look like this joke to me.” Then he told it. Everyone had to laugh a lot. After that the tension was gone and we took a coffee break.
Can’t believe a joke took all the pressure off?
It was the relativizing power of the joke, but also the fact that this man was so self-possessed that he didn’t get carried away by the tense mood in the room.
They usually sat alone among men at the negotiating table. Difficult?
Oh yes, I had to fight for my place as a woman in every mission for 20 years. Of course, I was often unsure. But over time I have learned to acquire an arsenal of techniques. For example, interrupting an accusatory monologue by calling the speaker by name loudly and clearly several times. But then you have to know exactly what to say and without hesitation prescribe rules of speech.
What are good speaking rules?
No verbal attacks. No nasty insinuations or meanness. Second important rule: No monologues, it’s over after three minutes at the latest. Anyone who does not respect this will be banned from sitting at the table.
What else have you learned?
As a woman, I sometimes also used charm as a weapon. It’s crazy, but even in a group of macho military men, it makes an impact. And it was an advantage that I don’t have a loud voice: there were no microphones, so you had to listen carefully to me. Of course, that only works if you are recognised, have solid expertise and make concrete peace proposals: you have to offer the parties something.
How do you manage to rely on charm in such a constellation?
What very few people do in conflict: look the other person in the eye and don’t forget to smile. I’ve always taken that to heart. You should keep your own feelings to yourself and never let hostility or hatred show through. That’s why I’ve always tried to perceive everyone who was sitting there a priori as a human being and to convey this feeling to them. Even if he was such a nasty opponent. I imagined that he had a family, that people around him had died, that he was worried about someone. In all the conflicts that I have accompanied, humanity has played a role, despite all the irreconcilability.
What if someone just plain blatantly lies?
So I asked: “Are you absolutely sure that’s exactly what happened?” If you do that two or three times slowly, questioningly, it gets put into perspective pretty quickly.
We know from your biography that as a young girl you had trouble withstanding strife. Nevertheless, you became a diplomat. What has changed about you?
Maybe not that much. I don’t consider the longing for harmony, which often drives us women, to be a bad quality. It motivated me not to let go in conflicts. But to continue, to get the parties out of mutual rejection as much as possible. Especially in very shattered conditions, in which the opponents are still very combative, but at the same time are fed up with always having to position themselves as the enemy. Because one thing is clear: as soon as there are no more negotiations, the smallest skirmish can lead to escalation.
Women are often the target of anger and derogatory behavior. How could we face this better?
I, too, was sometimes at a loss as to how to deal with bold, misogynist statements. That’s why I sometimes didn’t react at all – and thus won more. I never raised my voice either. The woman is hysterical, they would have said, we can’t work with her.
The angry hissing back is useless?
No.
Their disciplining effect was Heidi Tagliavini consciously when a general complained that he couldn’t swear as roughly in her presence as he would like.