How do you deal with people who constantly whining, but resistant to advice are? Our writer learned: There are a few simple strategies.
Two hours, three disasters and five problems I sit across from my girlfriend B. We haven’t seen each other for a long time, apparently I’ve missed a lot. B., which I secretly call “the Western Wall”, manages to tell her life as a Greek tragedy every time. Adversaries lurk everywhere: scheming colleagues, her loveless husband, her mother, the guy who snatched her parking space. But as soon as I say something about it, I end up on the list of complaints: It wouldn’t be that easy after all! Some sympathy would be nice, no one can help her anyway, and … at some point I don’t try anymore. I’m exhausted and frustrated because all of my listening, empathizing and thinking bounces off her. I keep hoping that we can discuss their problems, at best solve them – and finally talk about something else. About me and my life, for example.
Attention by whining…
B. is an HRC, a “Help Rejecting Complainer”. The US psychologist Jerome Frank coined the term in 1952 to describe those among his patients who were resistant to therapy. Every conversation with such people is a problem conversation. They ask for help, but reject any advice and react insulted to aggressive, the more one suggests. You have a “Yes, but” for every solution – and a new problem.
“Chronic whiners have learned in the course of their formative history that they reliably receive attention and affection through complaints and nagging, and they absolutely want to maintain this state,” confirms the Viennese psychotherapist Katja Gley. B. also presents her worries to me like a treasure that is burdensome but precious at the same time. She won’t let that go, but encourages me to keep trying. This impossible task makes contact with an HRC so toxic: “With every rejection of a suggestion, HRCs feel more powerful and grandiose, while their interlocutor feels worse, because getting angry with a person in need, a poor victim of circumstances, is not nice,” Gley said.
What can you do if the relationship is still important to you? Well, ever since I learned the term HRC, I’ve been trying not to take B. and her problems personally. I prefer to ask myself why I reflexively jump into the role of rescuer every time. Where does this mandate come from, only being able to be happy without any problems when everyone else is? The answer is: from the family, as with many other behaviors. Women who were born in the 1960s and 1970s grew up with parents who were traumatized by war. They have been conditioned to cheer up, comfort, and be there for often dismissive caregivers, rather than the other way around. Behavior designed to secure the relationship that is vital for children to survive.
Questions instead of advice can help
So I have to work on not wanting to relieve B. of her personal responsibility anymore. For example, a miracle cure for whining is to listen for a while and then instead of asking for advice, ask “So what are you going to do to solve the problem? Do you have an idea yet?” This interrupts the victim’s self-hypnosis. If the HRC responds If you react stubbornly and want to continue whining, you can unmovedly distract (“Is the weather not bad today?”) and move on to the next topic.Similarly effective: limit the time frame for conversations (“Unfortunately I only have an hour”).
It can also help to say openly: “I care a lot about you, so it bothers me that you never seem to be doing well.” Some people have no idea how negative they come across and that this is not a normal culture of conversation. Or what alternative themes might be. They learned it in their parents’ house or environment, chronic complaining is their communicative mother tongue. To a “How are you?” the victim competition starts, still having it a little harder than others.
This so-called “one-downment” is a typical feature of the HRC – and not only pulls him down, but also his counterpart. Therapist Katja Gley: “Through our mirror neurons we can empathize. But that also means that the constant negative vibes are increasingly being transferred to us and our mood. Listening to whining becomes chronic. Corresponding networks are formed in the brain, which not only sets the HRC itself, but also those around it, are under stress and harmful to their health, namely the health of everyone involved.”
In the case of HRC relationship stress, only couple therapy and open communication usually help
HRC are therefore particularly exhausting as relationship partners. They avoid clear questions or requests, you could get a no to that. They prefer to try to manipulate their loved ones: the HRC wants physical closeness, attention, a long back massage. But women in particular often do not dare to demand this. So they keep whining about the terrible back pain they have – hoping that their husband will then offer to massage their backs himself. However, he can’t read minds and suggests that she see an orthopedist, do acupuncture or do yoga. She becomes more and more annoyed that the supposedly uncomprehending partner does not come up with the only right solution for her, and in the future she acts even more manipulative and passive-aggressive. A vicious circle that can often only be stopped through couples therapy and learning to communicate openly.
Of course, there are also male HRCs. They whine less, complain more openly and angrily, like every evening, how crappy the work was again, what an idiot the boss, how unbearable the overall situation. But under no circumstances does he want to hear from his wife that he should finally change companies, reorient himself professionally, negotiate different conditions, join the works council. Then the aggression spills over to them: “What do YOU know about my work?” She should just feel sorry for him and spoil him!
To be on the safe side, I checked how much HRC I have in myself. In fact, I often complain to my friend A. about problems falling asleep. I countered every piece of advice she gave: turn off the cell phone an hour in advance and leave it in the living room overnight? Yes, but if one of the kids texts me and needs help? Or if I want to listen to a podcast to help me fall asleep? Then A. suggested a warm bath with lavender and warm milk with honey. Nah, I hate full baths, really bad for the circulatory system. And milk? All those calories before you fall asleep… Oh god, this needs to stop right now. I’m going to try these tips now. And thank A. for that at our next meeting.
Tips for dealing with HRC
1. Recognize the whiner: Does this person complain and nag every time, all the time? Do their problems never become less, at most different? Do you feel exhausted, frustrated and aggressive after meetings? Then it is most likely an HRC.
2. Has the whining only been going on for a while? Then gently point out to the person that you care about them, that you would like to help them, but that you feel overwhelmed. Also mention the possibility that depression could be behind the negative world and self-image and that she should get professional help if necessary.
3. Paradoxical intervention. You simply agree with HRC on everything and confirm him in his suffering: “Yes, you have it really difficult, it’s really unfair, yes, your life is really bad … oh, how mean.” At best, the angry answer comes at some point: “Well, it’s not THAT bad!” Win-win: This even makes the HRC feel better about itself.
4. The Gray Stone. Let the cascades of grief run off you like water on a stone. Don’t waste energy on advice that will be thrown out anyway. Respond monotonously with “Hmm…aha…oh”. Without emotional sympathy, chances are the HRC will find a more caring victim for their complaints.
5. Feel into yourself. If you only meet the HRC out of habit or are related to him, but don’t feel any bond, can’t have an open conversation about it and suffer from his behavior: Yes, you can also “terminate” a friendship or even a relationship. Nobody has to sacrifice themselves as an emotional dumping ground.