Here are 9 things no one talks about about sex after 70 (but you absolutely need to know)

Do seniors still have sex? This is a question that many of us ask ourselves. And for good reason, both taboo and mysterious, the sexuality of those over 60 and 70 is not often discussed (or even completely marginalized) in society, even if morals are evolving. However, 4 in 10 people aged 65 to 80 are still sexually active, according to a study conducted in 2018 by the National Poll on Healthy Aging.

So this has led to a complete lack of knowledge about it. And the first victims are seniors themselves, who are not informed about the changes and challenges they may face regarding sex as they age. “Overall, increased awareness, education and open dialogue can help take away the mystery and promote healthier attitudes towards sexuality among people over 60 and 70”estimates Shannon Chavez, American psychologist and sexologist, with the HuffPost. Here are 9 things to know about senior sexuality.

1. The need to feel wanted doesn’t go away

“I can only speak for my wife and I, but I think one of the most important things that isn’t talked about is the need for sex and physical pleasure – to be desired, to have want, to have that feeling of giving and receiving a physical and emotional discharge – which never goes away,” said Frank, 76, who lives in the Texas area and has been married for almost 53 years.

“There are some things to fix, of course: erectile dysfunction, extreme dryness, pain and restricted positions. But solutions exist”he assures, before concluding: “I think the biggest problem is that the stigma of old age, gray hair or baldness, saggy breasts and buttocks, means there is no longer a need for sex. But that’s it. opposite !”

2. Frequency decreases, but quality increases (often)

“I think the most surprising thing about sex after 70 is that, for many people, it has the potential to be better than it has ever been.”reveals Jess O’Reilly, sexologist and host of the podcast Sex With Dr. “Many of my clients in their 70s (and 80s) report that while the frequency of sex generally decreases with age, its quality improves.”she continues.

Sometimes this is linked to what is called sexual dysfunction, which leads them to discover new paths to pleasure. “For example, if penetration is painful or uncomfortable, they often learn to explore and enjoy the pleasure of the whole body”explains the expert. “In cases of erection problems, many people may discover that hands, tongue, lips, toys and skin can provide intense pleasure and orgasms in the absence of a penile erection”.

3. Erectile dysfunction does not necessarily end sex life

“I have been dealing with erectile dysfunction for over 20 years. My wife has never been able to orgasm with it. [pénétration du pénis]but now she has at least two or three, and often more, compared to “confides Norm, 71, resident of southeast Michigan. “I think you could call it advanced foreplay: I use my mouth, hands and legs to stimulate her”.

4. Aging can cause physical problems, but there are solutions

“Aging can cause physical changes that are not necessarily barriers to sexuality. Changes in physical comfort and mobility, such as arthritis, joint pain or mobility limitations, can be easily addressed using products such as pillows for support, trying different less physically demanding sexual positions, or using lubricants to reduce discomfort”indicates to HuffPost Shannon Chavez. “This contributes to a more pleasurable and satisfying sexual experience.”

“In addition, being open to new experiences and adapting to the changing needs of one’s body can help older adults continue to engage in pleasurable sexual activities. In older age, sexuality is less efficient and adapts more to experiences that provide pleasure and connection”she concludes.

5. Sexual creativity develops with experience

“Just because our body gets tired doesn’t mean our mind gets tired. The spirit of adventure and imagination develops with experience. I may be different from others, but I give myself permission to explore and be interested in various activities even more than when I was younger”admits David Daniel, a septuagenarian living in Iowa.

“When you reach the end of your life, you realize that rules no longer matter as much, including in bed. No one will give you a disapproving look and no one will discourage you from doing something you want to do because no one cares”he adds.

6. It can be painful, especially for women

“The aging process, but also all the medications that accompany it, have a significant impact on sexual functioning and satisfaction. As we age, we often experience changes in our sexual behavior, desire, arousal and sexual well-being in generalsays Rachel Needle, psychologist and co-director of the Institutes of Modern Sex Therapy.

Some of the biological changes we experience as we age involve hormones, such as menopause. “This happens because the body stops producing estrogen. However, the reduction in estrogen production results in vaginal dryness, reduced lubrication and loss of elasticity of the vaginal tissues”says the specialist. “This often leads to discomfort or even pain during sex. But long-acting vaginal lubricant and moisturizers can help.”.

7. Sometimes it’s more the emotional connection that matters

“Emotional connection and intimacy remains a priority, but sexuality itself becomes less and less so with age”assures Shannon Chavez. “It’s less about sexual scripts and sexual acts and more about the kind of connection and intimacy that can be gained from experiences together. Sex is less driven by the desire to look good, to please only to one’s partner, to feel obliged or to accomplish a task, but rather with the intention of feeling good together and enjoying the experience”, she also advances.

8. Sexual desire is not always “supposed” to be spontaneous, especially as we age.

“Some data suggests that very few women commonly experience sexual desire after menopause. One study found that 24% of women never experience desire and 41% rarely experience it. In contrast, 91% of them experience excitement (and pleasure)”, explains Jess O’Reilly. It is therefore not necessary to experience spontaneous desire to enjoy sex. “If you’re not in the mood, you can be in the mood with fantasies, conversations, touch or something else.”.

9. It’s all about managing your expectations

“According to Reddit and other online forums, some people have sex several times a day. I told the people on Reddit that my wife and I have sex every Friday,” assumes Norm. “We tell everyone who wants to see us on Friday that we already have an engagement. Our family knows that Friday is our relaxation day and never bothers us.

“Could we make love more often? Maybe, but it’s very exhausting and just talking about it during the week is enough for us to keep it exciting. We kiss a lot during the week, just to be close,” admits the Michigan resident.