We’ve always wanted to unlock the secret of true love and a lasting couple. What if the formula was only based on 3 elements? At least that’s what the psychologist Robert Sternberg sought to show through his “triangular theory of love”. We tell you everything about these 3 pillars.
In the field of love, the number “three” has always fascinated. “Triangle Method” to seduce the desired being, love triangle where the feelings of three people are intertwined, threesomes for a spicy sex life, or even “Golden Trio” to reach the climax… The adage “never two without three” has never been truer than in love. Lately, another theory involving the number three is making a lot of noise: it is the “triangular theory of love”. According to its creator, it would be the secret of a perfect love and long term relationships. Conceptualized by the psychologist Robert J. Sternberg in 1986, this triangular theory states that the success of a relationship is based on three pillars of love: thecommitmentI’privacythere passion. But what exactly do they correspond to, according to the psychologist?
– I’commitment refers to conscious choice to love his or her partner and the will to maintain this love proven over the years.
– I’privacy means the feeling of closenessTHE link and the connection that unites the two lovebirds. It is she who is at the origin of the warmth and sweetness that emanate from the romantic relationship.
– There passion encompasses thephysical attractionI’sexual attractionthe need to act on these impulses and all the emotions that fuel desire and sex.
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Three variable pillars that give rise to lasting love
Thus, according to Sternberg, to give their couple every chance of functioning and lasting, the lovers must combine these 3 data. If Robert Sternberg did not specify in what proportion each of the components of the triangle should be present, he nevertheless assured that without these – or at least, without one of them – love is much less likely to last. Worse still, it is even doomed to failure and will never evolve into the solid couple. To understand it, just have the image in mind: a triangle collapses when one of its angles no longer exists.
However, it is not not necessary that the 3 pillars are equal and equivalent : they just have to be present. A study conducted by Polish researchers has shown that even if “those levels of the components of love (= the pillars, editor’s note) differ according to the duration of the relationship”, the love is nevertheless durable and the triangular theory remains valid; since the 3 elements continue to express themselves within the couple. One can suppose for example that in the first 6 months of the idyll, the passion and the intimacy take the top on the commitment. After 4 years of relationship, it is on the contrary the commitment which could be stronger than the intimacy or the passion. However, all these variations do not call into question the durability of the relationship guaranteed by the triangular theory: indeed, to pursue the extended metaphor, if the triangle is not equilateral but retains its three sides, it remains a triangle.
Despite the fact that the models of couples and the ways of loving have diversified over the years; 40 years later, the triangular theory of love remains true: this is what the study mentioned above has proven. Conducted in 2020 by researchers from the University of Wroclaw, in nearly 25 different countries and on nearly 11,000 people, it showed that the relevance of the triangular theory transcends decades and borders.
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What future for the couple if a pillar is missing?
When one or more of these 3 elements is absent from the romantic relationship, they do not give rise to the same type of love:
– As the name suggests, thePassionate love includes only passion and forgets the other two pillars
– I’empty love only counts the commitment: it is a romantic relationship where passion and intimacy have deteriorated over time
– I’romantic love holds both passion and intimacy, but lacks commitment
– I’companion love : passion is absent, but the other two elements (intimacy and commitment) are very pronounced
– I’beast love combines passion and commitment, but lacks intimacy. It is above all the passion that carries this type of love.
It may seem simplistic to reduce lasting love to these 3 variables. However, they should be taken as a base, not as a whole: these three criteria are necessary conditions, but not sufficient. As a specialist in romantic relationships reminds our colleagues from shapeshared values, respect, healthy communication or compassion, are also important in the success of a romantic relationship.
Open-minded and in love with life, Emilie likes to decipher the new phenomena that shape society and relationships today. Her passion for the human being motivates her to write…