here is THE lesson that parents of high-achieving children teach them daily

Like Pierre Bourdieu, a good number of sociologists have strived to prove the existence of a social determinism which would condemn children from disadvantaged backgrounds to fail. If there is any truth, it is not just thesocial origin and/or the financial resources parents who have their role to play. It is above all the education provided by their various authority figures (teachers, parents, coaches, etc.) which can promote their success.

Here, we are not only talking about the transmission of school concepts, we are also talking about life lessons. They do not only serve the accumulation of knowledge, but forge a state of mind which fuels hope, “positively” shapes the way of seeing and makes this vision favorable to success. In this sense, there is a particular lesson that allows children to be ultra efficient and brilliant at school: learning to fail. Indeed, teaching your child to failwithout ever judging or reprimanding him, it is in reality him learn to challenge yourself and to develop a “Growth Mindset”* that is crucial to your success. It is Justin Sung, a learning coach who supports children of all ages, who affirms this to our colleagues at Fatherly**. Decryption.

How do repeated failures lead children to success?

• Normalize failure to cultivate a Growth Mindset that promotes academic success

When you teach your child daily to challenge themselves and to fail, we normalize failure in his way of thinking. Through experiences and failed challenges, he realizes that the first failure is never set in stone for eternity, that it is not as dramatic as he thought and that he can ultimately overcome it either :

1. moving on;
2. by passing it on the second try, with hard work.

He then understands that his efforts, his practice and his involvement in given tasks can allow him to progressimprove their skills and turn the first failure into success : this is what we call Growth Mindset (“growth mindset” in French).

This state of mind, highlighted by Carol Dweck at the beginning of the millennium, shapes individuals so that they are hardworking, perseverant, tenacious and involved in the challenges given to them; so many qualities essential to success in an academic or professional environment.

People who are endowed with it do not give up at the first difficulty they encounter, continuing to persist even in tasks that seem impossible to them at first glance, have the perseverance necessary for academic success. He also learns that he is capable of accomplishing things that seemed impossible to him and/or that he has already failed at once, which helps to strengthen his self-esteem. In the future, he will feel capable of accomplishing anything.

• Get rid of your fear of failure and the self-sabotage that goes with it

At the same time, allowing the child to fail without judging or punishing him for his failures allows him to have less afraid of failing a challenge. Indeed, he knows that in the past, he has already failed, that he was not reprimanded, that he got up and was able to attempt the failed challenge again: he will be less afraid of to embark on a challenge or challenge considered difficult in the future. When he doesn’t get started at all, he condemns himself to only one result: failure. Conversely, when he embarks on an exercise that he believes to be impossible, two outcomes are available to him: failure or success. And the more he tries, the more likely he is to fail or succeed.

It is often an excessive fear of failure (also called “atychiphobia”) that pushes him not to try his luck: he avoids at all costs all situations where he is likely to fail. As a result, he never succeeds, which further fuels his lack of self-confidence and his abilities… A real vicious circle which prevents him from having virtual failures (which is what he is looking for), but which above all prevents you from having success in practice and in real life. A real self sabotage which can be avoided by regularly teaching him to fail.

How can we challenge it in an appropriate way to promote academic success?

Obviously, the coach specifies that this learning to fail must not be done randomly and that certain basics must be respected.

• The challenges must be within his reach

Justin Sung specifies that the challenges to which the child is subjected must be adapted to their level and age : “In order to cultivate a growth mindset and cultivate their talents, a child must face an appropriate challenge.” If it is too difficult to do and that, despite numerous attempts, the child never manages to overcome it, he risks becoming discouraged and his self-esteem will be damaged. Parents should therefore not project too high educational expectations on the latter. Obviously, these expectations should not be too low either: we risk underestimating our abilities and triggering a Golem effect detrimental to our success…

Easy to say, but not easy to apply, you might say. So how do we know if the challenge is suitable for our beloved child? The learning coach explains that the appropriate challenge “must be at a level of difficulty where they will definitely fail on the first try. We want to normalize that challenges are challenges, because they are difficult. And the difficulty means that they fail.”

• Let the child choose his or her challenges

As with any activity, the child must be given a minimum of autonomy to foster their independence and self-confidence. Thus, the learning coach also recommends letting him choose his own challenges: after all, he knows better than anyone what he feels capable of doing, right?
He explains the process as follows:

“I recommend that parents not tell their child what is too hard or too difficult. I would recommend that the child try to figure out what challenge will suit them best, give it a try. If it fails the first time, try a second time. If he’s not making much progress, move to a simpler version, but let the child choose his path.”

• Guide him in achieving his challenge

Teaching him to fail also involves him make comments on his way of doing things, to highlight what sinned or what worked. In this sense, Justin Sung advises parents toevaluate the child’s performance based on the processand not on the result obtained.

“Feedback should be almost exclusively process-based, to the extent that the success or failure of the challenge is almost independent. Questions like ‘What was your approach?’ or ‘Why did you choose this approach?’ should be used instead of result-oriented questions like ‘What grade did you get?’”.

Thus, during a mathematics exercise, it is the reasoning that should count, and not the result of the given equation. If the steps and calculation formulas follow each other logically, but the result is not good, we consider that the kid has still succeeded in the exercise.

Freelance journalist

Open-minded and in love with life, Emilie likes to decipher the new phenomena that shape society and relationships today. Her passion for human beings motivates her to write…