First day
I am preparing for a very big upheaval. In a few weeks, our surrogate mother is due to give birth to our baby boy whom we are expecting with my partner. We have devoted a lot of our time to it for five years. I’m afraid of feeling swallowed up, of having no more time for myself, of becoming a prisoner. I look for spaces of freedom, excitement.
This long-distance pregnancy worries me. We are far away, we don’t really know the process of surrogacy, we are all alone in our experience. Our entourage does not support us too much. I’m also happy with this life ahead, but I’m superstitious so I don’t leave too much room for happiness, I’m afraid it’s going to mess up. Everything is mixed up, I need to escape.
There’s this stuffy party we’re invited to. Cocktails, petit fours, incredible buffet, only beautiful and very well-dressed people looking at each other. I hesitate to go there, I want to drink and dance, but not in a space where everyone is going to make me feel that nothing is right, that my hair is doing its life without me and my dark circles deepen. My companion insists, I agree to go, and I tell myself that it does not matter, that I will go dancing after, during one of my nocturnal trips.
I often go on night outings. In general, at the start, there is a conventional dinner that is not very funny, with friends that I know well but without surprises, without adrenaline, without adventure. I start stomping under the table, I have to escape. When the boring guests go to bed, my evening begins. It’s my valve. I walk very quickly and alone in the streets of Paris. My crossings are solitary, no comrade who complains because I wander around too much.
“He is very knowledgeable. Our eyes are electric. I try not to watch it, because I think it hurts my spouse.”
I go to gay bars. I talk to people I don’t know, we don’t give each other our first names, we don’t give each other our professions, we don’t care, we are far from our social status of the day, we talk about the alcohol we drink , music playing in the background. It’s the antithesis of what I saw two hours earlier. It’s a life drive, not really sexual, a shovel or two, but that’s it. I feel like family in these gay places, we understand each other without speaking, which is not the case with straight dinners.
At the chic evening where I’m with my companion, I’m already thinking about that, about my next escape. We land in a sumptuous VIP area. The number of gays per square meter is very high. I feel badly dressed, especially compared to this man – his name is Gabriel, I’ll find out later. He is very knowledgeable. Our eyes are electric. I try not to watch it, because I think it hurts my spouse. I don’t like it when he does that with me, so I try not to, we’re not a free couple.
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