With the “Faces of Moms*” campaign, Nicole Noller and Natalie Stanczak have created a platform on which mothers can make honest statements. They always answer three questions: What is your biggest challenge? What’s your biggest fuck up? what would help you The two founders want to make the diversity of motherhood visible and the structural disadvantages that caregivers experience. Their goal is a community that stands up for each other.
The “Faces of Moms*” campaign started on Instagram and has more than 13,000 followers there. There is also the podcast of the same name with the claim “How are you really?” and the book Bis Einem wert!, which portrays mothers who question the status quo and describe their daily struggles. Whether Mom of Color, Muslima, DJane, main breadwinner or full-time mother, they all give insights into their everyday life and inspire in their own way.
The two founders each have two children themselves. Nicole Noller, 37, is an event manager and works as a permanent senior project manager. Natalie Stanczak, 38, is a sociologist and freelance photographer at Sandbag Photography. She loves to document everyday life in families. With the project “Faces of Moms*” she combined both passions. In the interview, she speaks on behalf of the founding duo about the findings after more than 500 interviews, about wow moments and her next vision.
BRIGITTE: “Faces of Moms*” was created in 2020 during the first Corona year, in which families and especially mothers reached their limits. How did the idea come about?
I am a sociologist, structural inequality has been part of my work since my studies. Nicole and I have been friends for 20 years, we experienced the process of becoming a mother together. We were the pregnant women, the breastfeeding women, we stayed at home with the kids, we went part-time. And asked ourselves why we don’t manage to juggle our wage work, the children, the household, our partnerships and ourselves.
Then the pandemic came, our infrastructure collapsed and we realized that many families felt the same way. The pandemic was like a magnifying glass, showing how natural it was for politics and society for women to do most of the care work. Suddenly there was room for the topic, and the media and science took it up. Many noticed that the personal situation was not an isolated case, but a mass phenomenon. Something was very wrong – and it wasn’t because of us mothers and care givers.
In your first podcast episode, Nicole reports on a key moment in her Pekip course. The director asked, “How are you?” All responded without addressing the real challenges. The reaction of the course management: “And now again – how are you really?” An intensive exchange ensued. Is that what “Faces of Moms*” wants?
Indeed. Our campaign tries to make the life realities of mothers and carers visible in all the facets that care work entails. Honest statements are rare in the context of mothers. When someone says: “I can’t do it anymore!”, the phrase “Our mothers did it too and they didn’t have it so well” often follows. It resonates with the assessment that one should not complain. We mothers compare ourselves to each other because of the myth of good motherhood and too high social expectations.
Through “Faces of Moms*” we see that honest communication is possible. This is good for many, especially to understand that it is not an individual failure, but that parenting is made more difficult by structural components. When I feel alone and read another mother’s statement on my cell phone at 3 a.m., describing her biggest fuck-up, I realize: I’m not an isolated case. This can be extremely helpful and connect.
Portraits of honest mothers
Statements about the biggest fuck
How did you get started?
It took a weekend and then we had the logo, the campaign name and the interview questions. At first we asked all our girlfriends to participate. After just a few weeks, we noticed that our campaign and the topic were being well received. The striking statements in connection with the personal photos were well received. They provoked both outrage and approval, definitely emotions.
Just three months after we started, our current publisher wrote to us asking if we wanted to make a book out of it. So, while we were building our Instagram campaign, we were already working on the book. Later, the idea came up to integrate panel discussions and an exhibition with my photographic work as part of our readings in order to work through the topic in different ways.
Do you want to be some kind of lobby for mothers?
We try to make visible what is invisible to the majority of society. Politicians and journalists must continue our work and conduct a discourse on how we can change structures in solidarity. We don’t want to go into politics. We want to be the disruptive ones, set impulses. We are aware that we are among the privileged few who were able to devote time to such a voluntary project without running into financial difficulties.
Our strength is community building. At our panel discussions and exhibitions, mothers and caregivers have the opportunity to make their voices heard. We don’t want to be anyone’s voice. Everyone has their own voice and we want to provide the platform for that. We must be aware that not every caregiver can speak publicly about their discrimination, as this can also lead to stigmatization. Therefore there is the possibility of anonymous interviews.
Is networking as important a part of the campaign as the honest statements?
Yes. Many write to us that they have met interesting people through us with whom they are now exchanging ideas. This happens online as well as offline. In autumn we had an event in Stuttgart, where the speaker and author Anna Mendel, who writes a lot about caring parenthood, was present. A caring mother from our community traveled an extra hour from Mannheim to see and meet Anna. That was a real wow moment for us.
What is your vision for “Faces of Moms*” to create such wow moments?
Every event feels like empowerment. We are now friends with some of the people we interviewed for our book. We would like to enable more such connections. Our dream is our own “Faces of Moms*” festival.
That sounds exciting. Is this already being implemented?
It’s just an idea. I like to bring forth new visions, which are often reality checked by Nicole. Nicole works as a project manager. She is very knowledgeable about all organizational things. That’s why we complement each other so well. Unfortunately, we can’t hold a festival at the moment, but let’s see what will happen.
How much time are you putting into the campaign?
Two to three hours a week. In addition, there is our monthly podcast, which takes around three hours to complete. I am self-employed as a photographer and can organize my time flexibly, Nicole is heavily involved in her wage work. Sometimes we don’t even manage to make a phone appointment with each other. We are getting more and more email inquiries from people who want to get involved or cooperate with us. That’s so nice, but it also creates pressure because we don’t always respond promptly to inquiries.
What has changed for you personally as a result of “Faces of Moms*”?
Reading the many aspects of discrimination is painful. I often feel powerless. But at the same time, the pain is also necessary to get thinking. Above all, to question one’s own position in this society. At home, over dinner, we have discussions that we didn’t have before. This is also painful for our partners because we are breaking up the family image that we have all internalized and that we thought family should be like this. I’m glad that I can talk to my partner about such topics. That is not a matter of course.
Are you concerned with a more equal family model?
We do not advocate the 50:50 model. Our message is: Every reality of life is as it is. No rating, no tips. It is about raising awareness of structural inequality and creating awareness of the value of care work. I myself live with my partner neither the classic model nor 50:50. It is important for us that it feels fair. Negotiations are always necessary for this. We want to encourage this. It’s not about the best family model, but about the structural aspect that people with children are systematically disadvantaged in this society. Why is that? We want to talk about that.
How is the exchange in your community?
We are open to criticism and constantly reflecting. Our community has a very appreciative approach. We are very grateful. She reminds us to question terminology ourselves. Some time ago, a trans parent gave us the important impetus that our campaign name “Faces of Moms” excludes parents, since not every care person is a mother. Since then we have used the asterisk to indicate that we understand motherhood as a political category.
Before this interview, we were wondering if we wanted to appear in the “strong women” section. “Inspiring Women” would be a more appropriate name. We think all people have something strong in them. Even this well-intentioned category is discriminatory in some ways. We would never speak of “strong men” or “power men”.
You have already conducted 541 interviews. Can you name a finding – what is the biggest fuck-up for mothers and caregivers?
It’s hard to find a common denominator. Each caregiver has different opportunities, capacities, privileges, each* is affected differently by discrimination. We can’t compare ourselves. But the financial aspect is an important issue for everyone. The financial dependency in the partnership, no financial compensation for single and caring parents and the power imbalance that arises as a result. Many are afraid of poverty in old age and would like care work to be remunerated.
The second conclusion is that parents lack real-life community. Parenting is often lonely. If the framework breaks down, for example because the day care center closes, this network is missing. There is no neighbor who takes the child in for a moment. Or the child would not allow it at all because it is not used to it.
what would help
From a financial point of view, a basic income and the payment of care work as the basis of our society. A breaking down of gender roles and corresponding expectations. It would be important to break with outdated laws and redefine the concept of motherhood and parenthood so that it also includes caregivers who are not biological mothers. In our togetherness, there is not even a need for more empathy. Above all, it requires listening, without judgement. Especially from people who are not affected by this topic.
Thank you for the interview!