Driven accident-free for 60 years – and now dad should hang up the car key? We asked psychologists and traffic experts how we master this difficult conversation with parents.
“I’m 80, so I can also drive 80!”, laughs Renate and storms through the 60s zone unperturbed. We too have to smile – until we think uneasily of our children, who could run in front of Renate’s car. And to our parents, with whom we finally have to talk about this tricky subject, because these hair-raising driving mistakes have been happening to them lately.
But how big is the problem of “seniors at the wheel” really? At least the topic is enough that RTL has already been able to turn off two seasons of the documentary series “Alt & Abfahr”. Here we get to know pensioners like Renate, who take part in road traffic more badly than right, but have at least agreed to take a driving test. And headlines like “Pensioner turns on the B464” or “Pensioner mixes up gas and brake” seem to be piling up lately.
If older people are involved in accidents, they are usually to blame
One thing is certain: there are more seniors in Germany than ever before and they are more mobile than ever. But unlike in Spain or Norway, no tests are required in Auto Deutschland to check driving ability in old age. But the fact is also: Older drivers are less likely to be involved in accidents than young ones, as determined by the Federal Statistical Office. This is mainly due to the fact that they drive less because they no longer have to go to work or because they don’t even own a vehicle. However, if there are accidents with drivers over the age of 65, they are usually to blame. Most common causes: disregarded right of way, unauthorized turning, blind reversing.
Nevertheless, it would be wrong to label seniors at the wheel as a general danger. Age-related deficits in mobility, reaction speed or vision creep in, but these can be compensated for in part by routine, says Andreas Hölzel from ADAC – especially in comparison with novice drivers who often speed, jostle or get behind the wheel under the influence of alcohol. Psychologist Claudia Hillmer also warns against denying older people their ability to drive:
“We’re very quick to assume that old people can’t drive anymore. We should be looking more at the 18-22 year old, testosterone-driven boys, or at the cell-phone daddling that runs through all age groups. “
With their many years of experience, the parents then also like to argue in family disputes about their ability to drive: “I drove accident-free for 60 years – what should happen?”
The topic is fuel for families
But what do we do when we notice that our parents’ ability to drive is actually declining because they lose orientation in stressful situations, no longer look over their shoulder because of arthrosis, or their eyesight is dwindling? What if minor damage has already occurred and we are worried that father or mother could cause an accident with serious consequences?
The subject is highly sensitive: Parents quickly feel disenfranchised when their children tell them to hang up the car keys. Especially since it is not easy for most seniors anyway to experience that mobility, speed or memory are decreasing. In addition, driving a car means freedom and independence more than ever, especially in old age – because you can no longer walk so well or can no longer carry your groceries. In this phase of life, owning a vehicle is often more than just comfortable.
“You can’t forbid parents to drive”
All of this should be clear to you before you talk to your parents, says psychologist Andrea vorm Walde. And you should also check your own attitude beforehand:
“I have to realize that I can’t control my parents and that I have no right to ban them from driving. I have to think about that before I speak up.”
In addition, we should not forget that elderly parents are also grown-up, independent people. If you treat them like children and don’t treat them as equals, you will reap resistance or retreat.
It is important to start a conversation with this awareness and trust that it will eventually have an effect. Because it probably won’t end in the father or mother saying: “You’re right, I’m selling the car.” Changes that affect your own autonomy, flexibility and freedom take time, knows Claudia Hillmer. That’s why you shouldn’t just throw your own point of view at your parents’ feet, along the lines of: “You’re 84, you can’t drive anymore.” Because in such a statement there is a hard judgement. “What we like to do is to collect arguments for our point of view, but not to look at what it means for the other person,” says Hillmer. The key, however, is to empathize with others.
If nothing helps: involve others
Instead of judging the parents, as with any conflict, it’s more effective to send I-messages like, “Dad, there were these situations I’ve been through with you behind the wheel where I felt like it was borderline . How did you do with that?” Addressed in this way, the other person feels taken seriously. If parents then express concern that they won’t be able to cope with their everyday life without a car, they should look for solutions together instead of saying: “Then you’ll just call a taxi, you have enough money.”
If all else fails, you can try to involve other family members. “The more, the better,” says Andreas Hölzel, “then perhaps the urgency and necessity will become clear.” If the parents remain unreasonable, it can also help to involve outsiders such as the family doctor, ophthalmologist or a traffic doctor who can explain to the father or mother what deficits exist.Because the assessment of a neutral, qualified person is often more easily accepted than that of people close to you. And if all these talks don’t work, you can always say, “I think you should have your driving skills checked by a driving instructor.”
Checklist: How can I tell if my parents’ ability to drive is decreasing?
- Is insecure even in familiar surroundings
- Does not adapt to the flow of traffic, drives conspicuously slowly and unsafely or too fast and too closely
- Does not drive with foresight and does not seem to notice other road users and oncoming traffic
- Takes a long time to understand signs, traffic lights and general rules of right of way
- Has coordination and motor problems when turning, turning and parking
- Doesn’t stay in lane reliably, ignores blind spot checks when turning or overtaking, has trouble looking over his shoulder
- Noticing critical situations too late, is sometimes overwhelmed in complex situations
- Often on the brakes
- Car and garage have increased scratches and scratches
(Source: German Seniors League)
info: The German Road Safety Council (DVR), ADAC, DEKRA and TÜV offer programs for seniors and driving fitness checks with specially trained driving instructors. The “Deutsche Seniorenliga” has a lot of information and the free brochures “Tips for older drivers” and “Frankly said” to download. The latter addresses the conversation about the sensitive topic (www.deutsche-seniorenliga.de). You can also turn to traffic physicians who are trained to check people’s fitness to drive.
TV tip: “Alt & Abfahr” on Sundays at 4:45 p.m. on RTL, all episodes on RTL+