How can we restore tenderness to our relationship?

Very present in the beginnings of a romantic relationship, gestures of tenderness tend to diminish over time. How to reintroduce these moments of bodily exchange? Advice from our expert.

Twice a month, Soazic de Castelnerac, creator of the Save Your Love Date notebooks and author of “Viens on s’aime” at Albin Michel, answers a question from our community about her relationship. Today, it is Inès, 38, who needs advice: after 11 years of marriage and 3 children, she feels that there is no more tenderness in her relationship. She teams up with her husband to ensure their dense daily life, but regrets that he no longer has little attentions for her. Soazic de Castelnerac answers him.

I would already like to recall what tenderness is, and why it is essential to us. tenderness is a set of behaviors that we have for each other, it expresses desire, secures, reassures, soothes. Contrary to popular belief, it is not necessarily linked to sexuality. Touch is essential, but it is also the care that we will bring to the other, the way in which we will address him in words, attitude, look. Its benefits are innumerable, we all need fill our emotional reservoir, de feel surrounded by love to move forward. Our body has this memory. When you see two people kissing in the street, hugging each other tenderly, instantly it does something to you, doesn’t it?

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Give and receive

I come to my answer to Inès. Yes, tenderness can fade over time: we tell ourselves that it’s reserved for young lovers, that we’ve passed the age of languorous kisses or clenched hands in the street. We also give tenderness and we receive it from our children so we can feel fulfilled and this can push us to give it less space in our couple. To begin with, I advise him to start with small keys, to go spontaneously towards him. A kiss when you meet in the evening, a caress on the neck, a little message to wish you a good day. You will observe how these little tokens of attention are received. In general, the other will appreciate these gestures and return them in return. It is just as essential to give tenderness as to receive it.

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Start by setting small goals, without judging yourself

If you feel he is not receptive then it is important that you have a conversation, no need to get overly dramatic, just tell him that you feel there is less of tenderness between you and that you miss it. Ask him if he perceives the same thing on his side, normally you will agree on this question. Discuss together your needs and the moments of sweetness that you would like to create to reconnect, tenderly with each other.. An exercise that I advise is to remember the gestures of tenderness that we loved when we were young lovers. Was it like having small dates like bubbles of intimacy, holding hands when we were walking, falling asleep hugged. Return to the source of his couple, remember the lovers we were is very interesting and you can tell him that you would like to relive this tenderness of the beginnings. This discussion for two is a starting point towards a virtuous circle of tenderness and attention. Reciprocity is necessary for tenderness to endure within the couple.

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Ten tender gestures to live every day

  • Kiss you like it’s the first and the last time.
  • Take your hand when you’re on the go.
  • Kick him under the table during a dinner with friends.
  • Take the time to look at her when she is busy with something else.
  • Caress his neck as he passes behind him.
  • Smiling at him insistently like that, for no reason.
  • Place a kiss on her forehead.
  • Take you in your arms.
  • Invite her into the shower.
  • Lay your head on his shoulder when you sit side by side.

Come, we love each other!, €16.90, available on the website Save your love date

Editorial Director

Candice Satara directs the women’s editorial staff. Its mission: to support journalists in the production of relevant content on sites and social platforms. For 20 years, aufeminin has had the mission…

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